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Up Your Arsenal: The 15 Most Gratifying Bedroom Weapons

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Up Your Arsenal: The 15 Most Gratifying Bedroom Weapons

The world of comic books is full of weapons with all manner of power sets and abilities. You can’t throw a rock without hitting a universe-destroying device. Superheroes and supervillians have to constantly be on the look out for a weapon capable of wiping out reality. On the other side of the coin, you also have more grounded weapons, like Batarangs and boxing glove arrows, that while deadly, won’t be destroying a continent anytime soon. Yet while these weapons might be nothing but trouble in a super-powered battle, the bedroom is a whole other matter! Wouldn’t it be fabulous if Thanos gave up his quest for universal dominion with the Infinity Gauntlet and instead decided to use it for raunchier exploits?

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Getting wild and crazy in the sheets can sometimes be a difficult matter; occasionally you need to spice things up. When the regular go-to instruments and ways of approaching things stop working…well, they say necessity is the mother of invention. With all the incredible superhero-related weapons floating about, the limits for sexy fun are boundless; just try not to destroy the universe in a big bang. Here at CBR we’re taking a gander at 15 comic book weapons and devices we wouldn’t mind using in the bedroom!

15. THE INFINITY GAUNTLET

The Infinity Gauntlet is by far none one of the strongest weapons in the Marvel Universe, or any universe for that matter. In the hands of someone like the Mad Titan Thanos, all of reality is but a plaything, ready to be used and abused at a moment’s notice. With six gems in all, each Infinity Stone has access to its own unique and incredible power. To those lacking in a strong willpower, it’d be simple to wipe out the universe and not even know you’ve done it.

In the bedroom, there are just as many possibilities. Luckily, as opposed to something like the Cosmic Cube where it’s all or nothing, you don’t have to access all of the Infinity Gauntlet’s incredible power. Take a gem or two out, or maybe just use one, but there are no limits. Go get creative!

14. GREEN LANTERN RING

Green Lantern John Stewart

Typically described as the most powerful weapon in the universe, a Green Lantern ring is limited in scope only by the wearer’s imagination and willpower. If you’ve got the will, then nothing is beyond you. When someone like Hal Jordan or John Stewart wields a Green Power Ring, they end up creating ridiculously awesome constructs, fighting evil with a trinket that’s literally fueled by will and creativity.

For our purposes, you won’t be fighting supervillians; we’re engaging in a whole other battle. Rest assured, you’ll need just as much imagination and willpower as you would fighting Sinestro. When it comes to the bedroom and a Power Ring, any object you can think of will blink into shiny green existence. Preferably only to be used by those who like to get wild and freaky, use caution. You don’t suddenly want to bring a jumbo jet crashing down on you.

13. DEADPOOL’S TELEPORTER

Okay, maybe teleportation devices aren’t reserved to Deadpool alone, but just imagine the story you can share about how you acquired it from the Merc With A Mouth. All things considered, if you explained to Wade Wilson why you wanted to use his personal teleportation device, chances are he’d give you a pat on the back and send you on your merry way, teleporter in hand.

Anyway, having a teleporter would be something of a madhouse in the bedroom. It’s one thing to hook up with someone like Nightcrawler who knows what they’re doing, but…oh who are we kidding. It’d be barrels of fun! One second you’re there, the next, y’all are on the other side of the house. It really takes the musical lyrics “to the window, to the wall” from Lil Jon’s “Get Low” to a whole other level.

12. CATWOMAN’S WHIP

Arguably the simplest item here, but one that’s used and can be found in the real world, whips aren’t for the faint of heart. The idea is, if whips are good enough for Catwoman and all the bed-related shenanigans she gets up to with Batman, then it ought to be good enough for you. Heck, it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to believe her whip is actually superior to most other whips you’ll come by.

While a whip won’t allow you to reshape reality or transform into a glamour model, it will force to examine your physical limits. Some people are totally into chains and whips, so hopefully you’re one of those people. If not, then on the plus side, it’s pretty clear you’re dating Catwoman, as that’s the only way you’d get exposed to her whip in the bedroom.

11. WEB-SHOOTERS

2-Webshooters

Spider-Man’s web-shooters are kind of the centerpiece to everything that helps make up the web-slinger and his costume. Without his web-shooters to either travel across the city or fight multiple bad guys at once, Spidey would be in trouble. They have saved him more times than anyone can count and are capable of a variety of features like web-swings, web-hammocks, web-parachutes…the list goes on. The list is also long on inventive ways to use Spider-Man’s web-shooters in bed.

We’re hoping it won’t be too sticky, but at this point, you should be beyond caring about a little discomfort. While the possibilities might not be exactly endless, there’s certainly room for plenty of swinging-related activities…unless of course your room isn’t big enough. No worries, that’s what the rest of the house is for; just don’t be a stickler for having to clean up webs.

10. SUPERBOY’S TIME TELESCOPE

What if you wanted to look ahead to the future in anticipation of a night of things to come? Well, thanks to the Silver Age contraption known as the Time Telescope, a possession of Superboy, one can look ahead to the future without any negative effects to the space-time continuum.

First appearing in Adventure Comics #275, the Time Telescope was a pretty harmless device. Superboy and young Bruce Wayne also failed to see the myriad of ways a literal time machine could help anyone in the future. Yet in the right hands, or the wrong hands, the Time Telescope is a wonderful do-over device. If you’re about to engage in a night of mindless passion then it’s all you need to stay one step ahead. You’ll see what to do and what not to do and no one but you will be none the wiser.

9. THE MOBIUS CHAIR

metron-justice-league

Knowledge is power, and in the bedroom, even more so. The floating chair to the New God Metron, he uses it to roam around the universe in a never-ending search for power and learning. It’s helpful to know what you’re partner is into, it’s even more helpful, albeit somewhat invasive, to know every single thing about them and know exactly what to do in order to leave them overwhelmingly satisfied.

Yet the Mobius Chair can do more than tell you everything; it can travel through time, space and even other dimensions. If things aren’t working out for you, just hop in the chair and time travel back before whatever mistake occurred. Barring that, go take a ride to another reality — you never know who or what you’ll find.

8. THE HELMET OF FATE

Dr Fate

So you’re into magic, huh? You want to impress your lover with some David Blaine-level street magic? Then the Helmet of Fate is for you! Created by the Order of Nabu, the Helmet of Fate is primarily used by the superhero Doctor Fate. Extremely powerful, just putting it on your head allows the wearer to access a tremendous repository of magical knowledge. You don’t just get access to tons of magic, but you get a whole shopping list of superpowers, super strength and flight included!

Aside from the fact you get to dress up in epic cosplay, with a billowing golden cloak and a skintight blue ski suit, you get to pull rabbits and roses out of hats or…wherever. With such a large quantity of magic at your disposal, now’s the time to pull out the stops; go make Criss Angel jealous!

7. BATMAN’S UTILITY BELT

They say Batman is prepared for nearly any opponent he meets, but what if that opponent is in the sheets? Sporting his trusty utility belt (that really defies several laws of physics) wherever he goes, wouldn’t it be wonderful to use some of those nifty little trinkets in the bedroom? Who really knows what’s in the Dark Knight’s utility belt; grappling hooks, batarangs, gas pellets, the list goes on.

Some of those could be used for exceptionally dramatic effect, if you wanted to make a bold and enthusiastic entrance upon your significant other. Why not create a smokescreen, only to rappel down your bedroom wall, and maybe throw a few ninja stars to divert your lover’s attention elsewhere? If Batman is prepared for everything, then surely he must also hold the world’s greatest aphrodisiac in that belt…whatever it is.

6. THE COSMIC CUBE

Red Skull with Cosmic Cube

Like the Infinity Gauntlet, the Cosmic Cube can do practically anything. First introduced back in early issues of Tales of Suspense, the Cosmic Cube was originally used by the Red Skull to try and take over the world. Thanks to Captain America, that didn’t happen. It can rewrite reality, change a person’s history, and do whatever the user dreams. The only catch is that the Cosmic Cube is effectively alive. There are more than just one Cosmic Cubes and they are eggs to cosmic beings who grow into powerful entities.

If reality-warping is your thing, then why not turn yourselves in runway models or give yourself the ability to fly so that you can do it in the sky? Still, it’s a little weird to think that the Cube you’re using might come back one day as a living organism and remember everything you did in its presence.

5. MOTHER BOX

mother-box

To explain Mother Box simply, think of it like a living computer/smartphone. Every New God has one and it helps each of them with everything from menial daily tasks to bigger things like healing and creating boom tubes. It turns out that Mother Boxes are direct conduits to The Source, the metaphysical force that supplies them with their power and drives the entire universe.

At its crudest, a Mother Box could be the ultimate dating app; no more swiping left or right, it would just know who and what you’re looking for. Anything you use your phone for to hook up with someone, you can do with a Mother Box, but a million fold. Now you can send the ultimate scandalous selfies! Unfortunately, only beings with a connection to The Source can use a Mother Box.

4. GREEN ARROW’S QUIVER

Oliver Queen, the Green Arrow, is the protector of Star City. With his bow and arrow he’s taken down numerous villains and handed out justice plenty of times…but back to that bow and arrow. Like Batman with his utility belt, Green Arrow’s quiver is full of arrows with different capabilities and traits. You have explosive arrows, glue arrows, net arrows, and of course, the famous boxing glove arrow.

There has to be a way to use a combination of all the above in order to create the perfect night in. You know Oliver Queen and Dinah Lance have turned to his quiver when they’re looking to make an evening extra saucy. The good thing is that you don’t even have to be proficient at archery. You just need to know what arrow you’re using, but perhaps guessing is half the fun.

3. THE MIRACLE MACHINE

Debuting back in the early Legion of Super-Heroes comics, the Miracle Machine was a nigh all-powerful device; it was used pretty infrequently due to its immense power. In fact, on account of its incredible powers, several Legion members went insane, including Brainiac 5 and Matter-Eater Lad after he ate it just to stop it. Even so, once Darkseid took over the Earth during Final Crisis, Superman used the machine once more; he was the only one pure enough to make a proper, selfless wish and end Darkseid’s reign of terror.

It’s a mighty weapon and should only be used under the direst of circumstances, unless you’re a risk-taker and have no problem with potentially being driven insane. It’s also pretty big, so finding a way to get it into the house is going to be a chore. Good luck!

2. THOR’S HAMMER

Mjolnir takes down a vampire in Thor 332

Thor’s hammer Mjolnir was created at the behest of the All-Father Odin by the dwarven blacksmiths Eitri, Brok, and Buri. To create the mighty weapon, the three dwarves used a magical forge located in the heart of a star. So intense was the creation process, the Earth was nearly destroyed, the forces required to make the hammer caused the star to explode.

Now there’s a weapon worthy of some bedroom use! Mjolnir doesn’t just rain down lightning from the heavens, though it can do that if you’re going at it in the middle of a heavy metal song, but it can do much more. Aside from the obvious sexy way one can use a hammer, and we’re not judging since it’s your body, it can teleport you to other dimensions or even summon the dead temporarily, if you’re into having dead folks watch you. Let’s just hope you’re worthy!

1. WONDER WOMAN’S LASSO

If you’re using Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth in the bedroom then you’re either a brave soul with no secrets, or you’re probably dating Wonder Woman — there’s no way she’s letting that bad boy go. Regardless, wouldn’t it be hot to get tied up in an indestructible lasso forged by the gods themselves? If you’re an Amazon, then the answer is yes. Early Wonder Woman comics were chock full of Amazons getting lassoed up, sometimes practically begging if they had done something wrong. Who’s to say what’s an appropriate punishment for an Amazon?

The Lasso does more than make people tell the truth; many forget that. It can stretch enough to wrap around the world several times over, catch lightning bolts, and even restore a person’s broken timeline. So if you’re into kinky 50 Shades of Grey shenanigans, go for it! This equipment won’t be breaking anytime soon.

Are there any other weapons you would love to try in bed? Let us know in the comments!

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