Whenever a new work written by Grant Morrison is released, there are usually two very extreme reactions to it; either it’s a staggering work of kinetic genius, or it’s a bunch of incomprehensible, pretentious gobbledygook. So, a critic taking the second opinion isn’t usually such an Earth shattering thing (unless he’s Greg Burgas or something and has invectives and other metaphorical feces hurled at him). Except for the fact that this time, it was Grant Morrison himself.Morrison was heavily critical of the latest issue All Star Superman, released last week, and spoke his mind in a press release sent exclusively to Comics Should Be Good and other Morrison fan sites*.
“To be honest, I just couldn’t make heads or tails of it,” Morrison said. “I think it was all just gibberish. Weirdness for weirdness’s sake, you know? I mean, there were some nice ideas, but I just don’t think it was much of a story. I mean, Elliot Maggin did this kind of stuff much better in half the space Frank and I are taking.”
“I mean,” he continued “did I really need to take two issues for a Bizarro World story? And did those two issues need to take so long? With Batman running late too? I am such a prima-donna! I’m really killing the comics industry,” he said, without a hint of irony. “I should buckle down and hit my deadlines more, even if it means sacking Frank (Quitely) in favor of Tom Grinderburg or Ron Wilson.”
Morrison went on to further savage his long time collaborative partner.
“And another thing! I just realized that all of Frank’s critics were totally right. He really does suck! He should learn to draw more like a real comics artist, a Mike Turner, a Greg Land, or a similar craftsman. I just don’t think his Lois Lane shows enough thong, you know? And he has not once directly traced a layout from an old Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. What the hell is he doing during all that time it takes to get an issue out, growing roses?” Then there was some screed about Latina hookers, Christopher Reeve being a pussy, and how we should all buy full runs of Lab Rats and masturbate on them. It was weird.
When John Byrne was contacted and asked why he was impersonating Grant Morrison, he sent an invective filled letter about the aforementioned topics . I could go in to more, but I just came up with the Byrne impersonating Morrison angle, and I’m just gonna plow ahead with the other jokes I had planned and kind of ignore it.
Anyway, Morrison’s scathing review led to an agry rebuttle from his fan base.
“Morrison is an idiot for not appreciating the greatness of Morrison,” blogger Joe Rice said. “He is a total fucking idiot with objectively bad taste.”
“If Grant Morrison can’t see how great his work with Frank Quitely, he must be retarded or something,” Alex Cox, proprietor of Rocketship and avowed Morrison fan/mental capacity evaluator added.
Scientists argue that if this kind of criticism of Morrison’s criticism of his work continues, the world could implode via a series of events that can only be described in fiddly technobabble that sounds cool but may or may not be utter bullshit, eventually causing a giant black hole of irony to consume all life in its path.
“That thing about only being describe it via fiddly technobabble? That’s feeding the irony blackhole. It’s all kind of confusing, but there are some cool ideas in there,” a scientist said.**
Morrison’s critics of his criticism of himself are unswayed, however.
“I don’t care if it brings about the end of the world,” Rice said. “If I can’t berate people for not sharing my taste, how can life possibly be worth living anyway?”
*- Well, everyone else thinks we are, right?
**- I assume he was a scientist. He had a labcoat and a beaker. He could have just been a vagrant or one of those scientist impersonators. Or a mass hallucination.
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