There is an old world curse that begins, “May you live in interesting times.” Who could have known it was referring to 2016? This year has been dangerously fascinating, and if things get any more intriguing before the final ball drops, we may not be able to handle it. Future temporal tourists will no doubt find our particular slice of history marked with a big red X in their brochures: Not Recommended. Once we cross the threshold into 2017, there will be one important question we must answer if we are to survive, “What do we do now?”
Folks, I don’t have the answer, but don’t despair — there is one man who does, and his name is Doom. That’s right, Victor Von Doom, the king of Latveria, the one the lamestream media have unkindly labeled “Doctor Doom.” In these strange and unstable times, we need a leader with a strong, ironclad fist to punch the future into submission, and he’s the only man that can do the job. Doom is not some cackling madman thirsting for ultimate power; he only wants to rule the world because he knows he can do a better job.
There is no questioning Doom’s brilliance. His armor is the envy of Tony Stark, a blend of magic and technology that makes him one of the most formidable one-man forces in the world. In addition to an army of robots, some so lifelike they can fool people that have known him for decades, Doom has an inter dimensional gateway, as well as control over practical time travel, a feat which continues to elude the so-called “Mister Fantastic,” Reed Richards. When Latveria was decimated during one of his longer absences, Doom used his time platform to retcon it back to life. Doom’s mastery extends beyond the sciences into the arcane arts as well, his talents rivaled only by Stephen Strange. He personally dueled a lower demon of Hell for the soul of his beloved mother and won. In a world filled with threats ranging from the mechanical to the mystical, there is no individual more qualified to defend us from them than Victor Von Doom.
Doom is a man of action. He does not waste time on frivolous debate nor effort on regrets when something must be done, and he is nigh unstoppable when determined. He has single-handedly defeated the Avengers on numerous occasions (only in defense of himself or the Latverian people, of course) and has stood up to alien despots, bloodthirsty monsters, demon warlords and even insane gods.. Wakanda, a nation that had defied every would-be conqueror in its history, fell before Doom. He stopped an invasion of “evil” versions of Reed Richards from another universe, built a universe of his own, and after he died Doom literally fought his way out of Hell in a suit of demonhide armor to return to his throne. Doom fears no challenge, which is good, because it looks like 2017 will have a steady supply.
Where there is chaos, Doom brings order. After losing his mother to the murderous whim of a mad tyrant, he built a suit of armor and single-handedly overthrew his oppressors and freed a country. When Tony Stark did that, they called him a hero. Doom turned a third-world nation into a paradise free of poverty and crime, as well as one of the foremost technological and military powers on the globe, but Reed Richards and his cronies in the Avengers have always painted Doom with a villainous brush. Perhaps because if they weren’t so busy interfering with his work, he might put them all out of a job. When Doom was able to harness and amplify the mind control powers of the Purple Man, he actually took over the world, and it wasn’t that bad. Everyone was well cared for and the world was safe and peaceful — so safe and peaceful that Doom grew bored with his hollow victory and abdicated the throne, determined to truly earn it next time.
And Doom has proved himself worthy, time and again. He delivered the daughter of his mortal enemy and remains fiercely protective of her; he sacrificed his life to stop Onslaught; he opened the borders of his country to Atlantean and Asgardian refugees when their homes were destroyed; he has saved not just the world or the universe (though he’s done both), but the entirety of reality. That’s right—we only exist by the grace of Doom. The whole multiverse was collapsing, entire universes crashing together and shattering like glass, and while Earth’s mightiest heroes only managed to save themselves, he saved untold billions and the very fabric of existence. Victor Von Doom built a whole reality in an infinite void at the end of literally everything with a bunch of scraps and a bedazzled glove. And still the arrogant Reed Richards had to tear it all down just to prove he could do it too.
Don’t listen to all those talking heads that tell you he’s some superpowered terrorist guilty of crimes against humanity. That’s just a noisy distraction generated by Richards’ pals in the U.S. government, hoping you won’t notice that they’ve tried to illegally depose Doom and install a puppet regime in Latveria using an unsanctioned superhuman task force (multiple times). Every time Richards and Fury decide to settle a personal score with Doom, it’s the Latverian people who suffer. As if it weren’t bad enough that America has bullied the world economy into shunning Latveria, these honest, hardworking folks have men and women in colorful jumpsuits falling out of the sky to challenge their king to fisticuffs every other week and leave the capital city in ruins. Honestly, who are the real villains here?
If Doom has ever struck terror into the hearts of the American people, it was only because he was trying to protect Latveria. We should all be so lucky to have such a strong and competent leader, revered by his followers and feared by his enemies, watching over us. The universe is an insanely dangerous place, and the future holds threats beyond even our darkest imaginings. Fate may do her worst, but Doom will not flinch.
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