Riverdale…good God, you used to be such a beautiful place. I had so many wonderful dreams about
My name is Betty Cooper. Last year, I was an
Since the government sealed off all access to
So why don’t I? You guessed it: I’m still in love
But last night…I had a revelation. I know what to do
We need to get the band back together.
POP’S CHOKLIT SHOPPE
A burnt-out wreck; one of the saddest sights in
BETTY: But Jughead…! We NEED you! Without your
JUGHEAD: You know, it’s totally surprising what you
BETTY: Listen, Jughead…Forsythe, I mean…
JUGHEAD: Don’t call me that! Unless you have a rat!
BETTY: Okay…Jughead, listen. This town is DYING.
BETTY: It looks like a stewpot with a foot in it…
JUGHEAD: It’s a rabbit. Sometimes, when you skin a rabbit, it looks like a foot.
BETTY: That’s a foot. Where’s Pop Tate, by the way?
JUGHEAD: I can’t think with you nagging me all the time!
BETTY: Jughead, please, listen to me. I’m getting the Archies back together. We had a number one hit…that’s bigger than the Partridge family and the Brady Kids together. If we can play one last time, I KNOW it’ll bring joy and hope to the hearts of everyone in town, and we might just all learn a valuable lesson, like we used to at the end of every episode. And maybe the government will lift the ban on imported goods…that’d mean beef, Jughead…real, juicy, cornfed beef.
JUGHEAD: Damn you, foul temptress! Just let me pack
We barely made it out of that block alive…it seems Jughead’s dog and former best friend Hot Dog had gone feral and was leader of a pack of wild scavenger hounds. They had us cornered and things looked pretty grim, until Jughead bravely sacrificed his foot stew.
Next stop, Reggie’s headquarters in the Admin offices at Riverdale High…
REGGIE: Betty, dear Betty. So nice to see you. And you’ve brought Butthead.
JUGHEAD: DON’T CALL ME THAT!
REGGIE: Can I offer you something? I have half an apple…I could get you an ounce or two of Pepsi, I think…We have a six-pack of Surge, but oddly, no one will drink that stuff no matter how thirsty they get.
JUGHEAD: Do you have any rat? An ounce or two of rat?
BETTY: We’re not here for that, Reggie. Are you in or not? And how’d you get the eyepatch?
REGGIE: I got in a knife fight with Ms. Grundy. Old bag packs a surprising wallop! Look, I haven’t picked up a bass in months, and the New Riverdale Militia is taking up SO much of my time, what with training, Reggie Appreciation Day, public executions and whatnot. Really, I’d like to help, but…
JUGHEAD: Let him answer the rat question!
REGGIE: Anyway, aren’t the Pussycats available? Certainly Josie’d be glad to pitch in at this dark hour…
BETTY: Josie and the Pussycats are in outer space and you KNOW it, Reggie! Look, if you ever cared about me — if you ever had any feelings for me at all, you’d do this. I knew you BEFORE you became a Neo-Nazi, Reggie, and I know that somewhere, deep down, underneath all those SS symbols, there’s a rockin’ musician dying to get out and pump up the jams one…last…time!
REGGIE: …I never could resist you, Betty. I know you always loved Archie more, but…All right, you got me. I’ll play.
JUGHEAD: Hey! Ms. Grundy’s kinda HOT in that Eva Braun outfit!
Lodgeville was easy to get into…we just told the guards that we were the caterers and they sent us right on through. Not much has changed at the Lodge mansion, except that they’ve re-legalized slavery, to the surprise of no one. There was an odd moment when Mr. Lodge tried to sign us all into indentured servitude, and then we finally got a chance to explain the situation to Veronica.
VERONICA: …Betty, dear, I’m sorry, but of course I can’t play. Daddy’s got me so frightfully busy these days, with the cotillions and debutante balls. It’s just out of the question, I’m afraid.
BETTY: I see. I should have known you’d only care about yourself, even in a crisis when the whole town is suffering. Well, let’s go, Jughead. I guess we’ll find Archie without Veronica.
VERONICA: ARCHIE?! You’re looking for ARCH…I mean, well, I’ve reconsidered. I’ll go with you, of COURSE I will! Let me just fetch a few things for the trip. Reggie, be a dear and carry my bags…?
JUGHEAD: Man, I just lost another tooth, and my hair is falling out in clumps!
REGGIE: I don’t get it. I mean, what IS it with Archie? He’s broke, not that bright, has bad hair, a crap car, is terrified of commitment, wears ridiculous clothes, and yet, you girls would do ANTYHING for him!
VERONICA and BETTY: sigh…!
JUGHEAD: Stupid rats with their lack of nutritional components!
It turned out Archie wasn’t as hard to find as I’d feared. He was working in Moosedale. We were kind of shocked and surprised to see Moose dressed like a seventies-style pimp, ala Huggy Bear, though.
MOOSE: Duh, I understand you’d like to rent one of my boys? Everything in No Man’s Land has a, duh, whatchacallit, a PRICE, Betty.
REGGIE: Gee, I knew I should have declared war on Moosedale weeks ago.
MOOSE: Duh, listen, Reggie, I’ll cut you, you dis me again. Stupid Nasty!
VERONICA: That’s ‘Nazi’, Moose. Reggie’s a ‘Nazi’, not a ‘Nasty.’ Where’d you get those darling platform shoes, by the way?
JUGHEAD: What does this job pay, Moose? I know I look a little weird right now, but that’s probably just scurvy, and in a dark alley, who cares anyway?
BETTY: Please, Moose…this is for the whole town. We NEED Archie. Without him, there ARE no Archies!
MOOSE: Duh, okay, but duh. Duh. This one’s on me, guys. For, duh, old time’s sake.
BETTY: (Hugging Moose…) Oh, THANK you Moose!
When Archie came through the door wearing a
REGGIE: I may not have any depth perception now, but isn’t Archie dressed like a girl?
BETTY: Hey, dip****! Over HERE! HELLO! Excuse me,
I waved my hand in front of his face, but it was
ARCHIE: Oh, Veronica!! You don’t know how many times
VERONICA: Oh, really? Well, now that I know you want
BETTY: While *I* can’t bear to think of you with
REGGIE: While *I* would gladly give my LIFE to see
JUGHEAD: While *I* have virtually NO sexual impulses
MOOSE: Man, duh, you guys is pretty screwed up for a kid’s comic, don’t you think?
MOOSE: Seriously, duh, I mean, take a look at the covers to your comics. They’re all about how deceitful Reggie and Veronica are, and what a poonhound Archie is, and how Jughead doesn’t care about anything but food, and how Betty and Veronica look in skimpy bikinis and how they’re supposed to be friends but would kill each other for a man…it’s just weird, duh.
JUGHEAD: It’s not true about me, now that I think about it… I have this wild fantasy, where Cheryl
VERONICA: Ew. How post-apocalyptically common.
ARCHIE: HIT IT, Jughead!
Aw, honey, honey!
They won’t let us leave this town,
And it’s got me missing food…
Aw, bacon, pudding!
Roving gangs of thugs abound
And they cop an attitude
When I kissed you girl, I dreamed I had some food to eat
(Dreamed I had some food to eat…)
Then I just despaired and lost all hope of eating meat
Oh, woah oh oh oh!
Aw, honey honey!
How’d ya make my life so sweet?
Pour a little pork fat on me, honey!
Pour a little ramen on me, baby!
Needless to say, the concert was a big success,
happens at the end of a big crossover. It did seem a
It’s almost bizarre how fast things are going back to the way we were. Almost as if the whole thing never happened.
Jughead seemed to be able to go right back to
And me? Well, Archie and I are married. It turns
But he’s ALL MAN, otherwise, and our life together
|You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the following information.
Archie is TM & © Archie Comics. All Rights Reserved.
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