Journey back with us to what is perhaps the most
fondly-remembered time in the history of Comics. A
more innocent, kinder time. Welcome to…
Superman is in a broom closet changing back into his Clark Kent clothes, as Lois Lane bursts in, wearing a lime green outfit with matching pillbox hat. She’s holding a camera and the glare of the flash momentarily obscures her satisfied grin…
LOIS: Aha! This is irrefutable PROOF, Superman! I knew that when you heard about that orphanage fire, that you’d HAVE to go and rescue the children, and so I waited outside this closet until you returned, and now I have PROOF POSITIVE that you’re Daily Planet reporter CLARK KENT!
CLARK: Lois! I…
LOIS: Don’t bother to deny it, Superman! I, Lois Lane, girl reporter for the Daily Planet, now have the world’s greatest secret-SUPERMAN’S SECRET IDENTITY!
CLARK: ** chuckle ** Sorry, Lois! I’m afraid you’ve made a bit of a MISTAKE! See this piece of PAPER I’m taking out of my trouser pocket?
LOIS: Why…it’s an INVITATION! To a COSTUME PARTY!
CLARK KENT: That’s right, Lois! I was simply trying on the COSTUME I plan to wear!
LOIS: SUPERMAN! Of course! THAT’S why you’re wearing that SUPERMAN OUTFIT under your suit! Oh, I’ve been such a little FOOL!
CLARK: ** chuckle ** It’s an honest mistake, Lois! How COULD you know that I’d decided to wear my costume under my work clothes so they didn’t get WRINKLED and I just changed in HERE because the LIGHT is better?
LOIS: DARN! Well, it’s my own fault. How could I POSSIBLY have mistaken YOU for SUPERMAN, Clark? I mean, you’re a nice guy, but you’re NO SUPERMAN!
CLARK: Yes, I am. I’ve been LYING to you, Lois. I AM Superman!
LOIS: What…? But…But you just said that…a costume party…you said…
CLARK: ** chortle ** I’m KIDDING, Lois! Of COURSE I’m not Superman! I’m simply mild-mannered CLARK KENT! This suit is for a COSTUME PARTY!
LOIS: …oh. Yes. Of course…Excuse me, Clark. I’m going to go sit down.
Lois leaves the broom closet, and Clark whistles a merry tune as he casually finishes changing into his Clark Kent clothes…he winks at the audience…
CLARK: Heh…maybe THIS will teach Lois not to be so nosey! Good thing I’ve been carrying around that phoney “invitation” for an event just such as THIS one!
Lois is on a small gunboat, tied to a huge anchor on the main deck as shifty-looking sailors prepare to throw her overboard. She is wearing a lavender dress with yet another matching pillbox hat.
PIRATE #1: Arrr! First we threw that milquetoast KENT overboard, and now it’s YOUR turn, you snoopy REPORTER for the DAILY PLANET!
LOIS: Oh, no! Poor CLARK! ** choke! **
PIRATE #2: Maybe you should be a’worryin’ about YOURSELF, Missy!
Suddenly, a blue streak appears from the sky…
SUPERMAN: I’ll UNTIE you in a MOMENT, Lois! But first, I’ll take care of THESE fellows!
One of the pirates fires a harpoon rifle at Superman, who quickly takes the harpoon’s attached line and wraps it around the entire gang…
LOIS: Aha! This PROVES that you’re Clark Kent, Superman! There’s no one around for MILES! The only people on this boat who AREN’T PIRATES were Clark and me, and now CLARK’S gone and YOU’RE here!
SUPERMAN: ** chortle ** I’m afraid not, Lois! For you see, I CAN’T be Clark Kent, because…
A dripping-wet Clark Kent climbs the boarding ladder out of the water and onto the main deck, an errant strand of seaweed on his shoulder…
CLARK KENT: I’m Clark Kent!
LOIS: …What? But…I thought that… I mean…
SUPERMAN: ** snicker! ** I saw Clark fall into the water, Lois, and I remembered that he was a strong swimmer, back from when we were the same age inSmallville! So, I left him to swim, while I came to rescue YOU, Lois!
LOIS: Oh. Okay. My mistake. I thought for sure that…never mind. Sorry. I’m sorry. Could you please untie me now?
SUPERMAN: Oh, Lois! Surely you can’t mean you want me to take time out right now to untie YOU when KENT here could be suffering from PNEUMONIA!
CLARK KENT: ahhhh-CHOOO!!!
SUPERMAN: That’s IT, Kent! It’s STRAIGHT to the doctor for YOU, and no arguments! Lois, keep an eye on these PIRATES, would you? The COAST GUARD will be here within the hour to untie you and tow this ship back to Metropolis Harbor! Let’s go, Kent!
LOIS: You’re right, Superman. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Clark. I…I’m just sorry.
CLARK: No harm done, Lois. Just try not to be so IRRESPONSIBLE next time! Aaahhhh-CHOO!
SUPERMAN: Hey, Lois! I was kidding! I AM Clark Kent! This is AQUAMAN in a rubber CLARK KENT mask!
LOIS: What? What? Aquaman?
SUPERMAN: I’m KIDDING, again, Lois! You’re so GULLIBLE, you know that?
LOIS: …Heh. I guess you really FOOLED me that time, Superman…heh…uh…Yes, you fooled me. I’m so stupid. Stupid stupid girl!
Superman takes off towards shore, carrying “Clark”, who pulls off his rubber mask to reveal a head of curly blond locks…
SUPERMAN: Thanks, AQUAMAN! That’s one I OWE you! Maybe THIS will cure Lois of her constant SNOOPING!
AQUAMAN: My PLEASURE, SUPERMAN! It’s a good thing you had this CLARK KENT mask made for EMERGENCIES such as this!
SUPERMAN: HA! When you started SNEEZING, I almost LOST it!
AQUAMAN: Ha! Ha! The look on Lois’ FACE when I came over the RAIL! That was PRICELESS!
AQUAMAN: HA HA HA!
SUPERMAN: HA HA HA!
SUPERMAN: Boy, isn’t it great that we’re finally MARRIED, Lois? Aren’t you GLAD you quit that pesky JOB of yours?
LOIS: Oh, yes. Yes, I’m GLAD I quit that awful, wonderful, glamorous, horrible job I loved so much. I…I…I’m GLAD, like you always tell me! And thanks for throwing away that ugly, beautiful Pulitzer. It really did clash with the draperies on these false windows…and I hated all that wonderful TRAVEL and EXCITEMENT. I’m…I’m just so LUCKY. The…the LUCKIEST girl in the WORLD! ** sob! **
SUPERMAN: …Lois, did you take your MEDICINE today? You sound almost…SAD!
LOIS: Oh, YES, darling! Of COURSE I did! It’s just that…well…
SUPERMAN: (bemused…) Yes…?
LOIS: Oh, Darling, do we HAVE to live here at the North Pole? I miss my friends…I miss PEOPLE! I miss Clark, and Jimmy, and Lucy, and Perry so MUCH!
SUPERMAN: Now, Lois, we’ve DISCUSSED this…If you were to RESUME your previous life, my enemies could STRIKE at me, through YOU. It’s TOO DANGEROUS!
LOIS: But surely, with a disguise…?
LOIS: You could go WITH me…
LOIS: A Justice League escort? Just for a day?
SUPERMAN: DANGER DANGER DANGER!!!
LOIS: Time travel? A robot suit?
SUPERMAN: GO WASH KRYPTO!
Krypto growls menacingly…Lois looks at the snarling super-pup with great trepidation…
SUPERMAN: Lois…there’s something I haven’t TOLD you. There was an INVASION by the KLUXORIANS. Metropolis is GONE and all your friends are DEAD.
LOIS: …what? All my…My sister Lucy? GONE? ** choke! **
SUPERMAN: ** giggle! ** Not REALLY, Lois! I was only TEASING! I was able to OUTWIT the Kluxorions and SAVE Metropolis! Now go wash the dog, you lucky girl!
LOIS: …Oh…Oh thank God. I thought…yes. Yes. Must go wash the dog. Yes. Clean clean clean.
SUPERMAN: …And take another PILL while you’re at it!
LOIS: Yes, a pill would be…nice. Take the dog and wash the pill.
Lois staggers away, dazed, to go run Krypto’s solar bath water, as Superman bends down to scratch Krypto behind the ear…
SUPERMAN: ** winking ** Well, maybe THIS will teach her a lesson about wanting to have human contact! Good boy, good doggie! Who’s my good doggie?
LOIS: Oh! You’re HOME, Dear! That’s nice. I’m baking you that Kandorian cake recipe you like so much. It should be ready shortly!
SUPERMAN: ** snicker ** Eh, pardon me, Lois…But isn’t there something UNUSUAL about your DRESS today, Dear?
LOIS: (Looking down at her pink dress…) But…I thought you LIKED this dress…?
SUPERMAN: ** chortle ** I DO, Lois! That is, when it’s not INSIDE-OUT and UPSIDE-DOWN! **snicker! **
LOIS: Inside…? Oh! Heh! Silly me! And LOOK! I’ve got mismatched SHOES on, and I’ve got my PURSE on my HEAD! Heh! It’s this MEDICATION you’ve got me on…I can’t THINK straight! Ha! I look a perfect FOOL!
SUPERMAN: ** snicker! ** You’ve GOT to ADMIT, Lois…That’s pretty FUNNY!
LOIS: (Posing…reaching down and waving her hand through the neckline between her legs… ) Ha ha! Look, Darling! I have an ESCAPE HATCH! Ha Ha! Ha!
SUPERMAN: HAHA! Oh, LOIS! You’re PRICELESS! HAHA!
LOIS: (Begins using the hand sticking out of her upside-down dress to make shadows on the wall…) SEE? It’s a BUNNY RABBIT! Ha ha!! (Closes her fist up tight…) Now it’s LEX LUTHOR! Ha ha!
SUPERMAN: HA HA!!! Do BATMAN! Ha ha!!
LOIS: Heh! Silly silly me!! Oh, and Darling, I washed your COSTUME today, in that DETERGENT you made from the WINDSHIELD WIPER FLUID of the rocket that BROUGHT you here from KRYPTON. And it was the STRANGEST thing! I found a whole HANDFUL of SCALES in your UNDERWEAR. Like…MERMAID scales?
LOIS: I can’t IMAGINE how MERMAID scales got in your UNDERWEAR…it’s the FUNNIEST thing, isn’t it? Ha ha!
SUPERMAN: You know, Lois…I think one of my ENEMIES may be CONTROLLING YOUR MIND, right NOW! Yes, that’s it! BRANIAC is MAKING you see Mermaid scales…Why, I haven’t even SEEN Lori in…hold on a moment…
SUPERMAN: (Suddenly holding a huge green alien-looking fish…) SEE, Lois? I was bringing you FISH for dinner all the way from the water planet WAVEDOR! I know you like FISH, so THAT’s how you found those SCALES! Now, don’t you feel a little SILLY?
LOIS: Now…you didn’t just fly there at superspeed while I BLINKED, did you? What a crazy NOTION!
SUPERMAN: ** cough cough ** Of COURSE I didn’t!
LOIS: Who are you winking at, Dear?
SUPERMAN: Winki…? Oh! Those are the AFTER-EFFECTS of a battle with Mxyzptlk earlier TODAY!
LOIS: Oh, Superman…Darling, I’ve been a FOOL again, haven’t I? And after you brought me this beautiful FISH! Well, of course I’ll cook it right away! I’ll just get my APRON on…would you be a dear and take the Kandorian CAKE out of the SPACE OVEN?
SUPERMAN: With PLEASURE, Mrs. El!
Superman hits the temperature switch on the Space Oven, a faint blip! is heard and he is suddenly bathed in a dim purple light…
SUPERMAN: WHAT? What’s HAPPENING?
LOIS: Oh, dear…Did I accidentally program the SUPERMAN ROBOTS to DISGUISE the PHANTOM ZONE PROJECTOR to look like a Space Oven? Oh, silly ME!
Superman, still in shock, becomes translucent as his physical form becomes intangible…
SUPERMAN: LOIS! What are you DOING? You KNOW there’s no escape from the PHANTOM ZONE!
LOIS: OH, dear! That IS a problem! Well, at least you’ll have that stupid DOG of yours to keep you COMPANY. He went in this MORNING, along with all those cute little PILLS I was SUPPOSED to take!
SUPERMAN: Now, Lois…Just let me out and we’ll FORGET this ever HAPPENED. Don’t make me ANGRY, Lois! LOIS! LET ME OUT!!!
LOIS: I don’t THINK so, Dear. The robots can take care of EARTH while you’re…AWAY. See, you FORGOT…you may be Superman, but I’m LOIS LANE. LOIS LANE. Remember that byline, won’t you? And say hi to General ZOD for me, Darling! Kiss kiss!
Lois reaches up to flick the Phantom Zone Projector off…
SUPERMAN: LOIS! NO!! PLEASE!!
LOIS: If you PROMISE to be nice, I’ll let you out.
SUPERMAN: YES! Yes! I PROMISE! Anything! ANYTHING!!!
LOIS: **chuckle ** Just KIDDING! Wink OFF, you Kryptonian JERK!
Lois casually walks back into her room, whistling, and changes into her warmest arctic Parka…
|You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the following information.|
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