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CROSSOVER MADNESS!

[Dark Horse]

The main offices at Dark Horse Comics. Publisher Mike Richardson is at the head of a table littered with Chinese food boxes and notepads. Seated around the table are the key project developers; Randy Stradley, Chris Warner, and David Scroggy.

MIKE: All right, gentlemen. We need some fresh new ideas for our licensed characters, and I DON’T want to hear the same old things, all right? Let’s hear it. Share the brilliance.

RANDY: Okay, how about this? A Terminator/Predator crossover!

MIKE: Interesting…anything fresher?

RANDY: This time, they’re in Elizabethan England, and they meet Jack the Ripper! Sort of a James Cameron FROM HELL?

MIKE: …No, no. What else?

DAVID: How about an ALIENS/TERMINATOR/MASK crossover? The fun of the mask and the terror of the Aliens? Sort of a Jim Carrey/Freddy Krueger thing?

MIKE: No, no. I want something FRESH! FRESH, I say!

RANDY: TERMINATOR/GHOST/PREDATOR?

DAVID: PREDATOR/ALIENS/TERMINATOR/TERMINATOR?

RANDY: ROBOCOP/TERMINATOR/ALIENS/ PREDATOR/TERMINATOR?

DAVID: How about TERMINATOR/TERMINATOR/TERMINATOR/ALIENS? With PREDATOR?

MIKE: No, no, NO! These are all good ideas, but we’ve DONE all these. Don’t you guys have any ideas left that aren’t just the same old thing?

DAVID: Huh?

RANDY: Say that again, slowly. That thing about not being the same old thing. You totally lost me.

MIKE: I’m SAYING we should take a look at some NEW ideas for these characters, instead of just having them bash each other for twelve issues!

RANDY: So, what now…you mean we should do more issues? Like thirteen issues?

DAVID: I think he means putting them in new places, like say, TERMINATOR/ALIENS/PREDATOR/ALIENS GO TO FRANCE.

RANDY: AH! I get it! How about ALIENS/PREDATOR/PREDATOR/GHOST/PREDATOR/ALIENS/TERMINATOR/ALIENS GO TO A PLACE WHERE THEY ALL FIGHT?

DAVID: You are TOTALLY missing the point.

RANDY: (Throws up hands…) I’m lost.

MIKE: No. Look, it’s very simple. I’d just like, for ONCE, to hear an idea for our licensed characters that’s fresh, is that too much to ask?

RANDY: ALIENS/PREDATOR IN THE OLD WEST PUNCHING EACH OTHER!

DAVID: TERMINATOR/ROBOCOP/ALIENS MEET TERMINATOR! IN THE OLD WEST!

MIKE: That’s the kind of thinking that made Pacific Comics the success it is today, Dave.

DAVID: How about we just do sequels to Timecop, Dr. Giggles and Virus?

RANDY: Hahahahaha!

MIKE: Hahahahaha!

DAVID: Hahahah! Dr. Giggles! Hahaahahaa! Yeah, people want more Dr. Giggles! Dr. Giggles fever–catch it!

MIKE: Hahaha…Seriously, though…Chris? You have anything fresh to add?

CHRIS: Well, how about if we do a series that ISN’T a gimmicky crossover? Just take, say, the Aliens, and do a nice series about them, without all this extra clutter?

MIKE: …

CHRIS:…

MIKE: You are SO fired.

CHRIS: But…but…!

MIKE: Clean out your desk, you charlatan! You shame me with your lack of vision! Okay, clearly it’s up to me to make this new project work. It’s obvious we’ve done every conceivable crossover, Batman, Tarzan, Superman, Frankenstein’s Monster, Robocop, Terminator, Aliens, Predator, Darkness, Witchblade, X, Magnus… We’re like the W.W.F of comics. I’d say, let’s do the only crossover left, shall we?

[Aliens vs. Captain Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew]
Enlarge
EARTH-C–LOS ANTELOPES-THE Z-BUILDING

Pig-Iron and Fastback are in the Z-Building’s fantastic gymnasium. Pig-Iron is lifting a barbell with a solid ton of weight on each end. Little Cheese sits on Pig-Iron’s shoulder, as Alley-Kat-Abra and Yankee Poodle watch with only a passing interest.

PIG-IRON: I gotta add more weight. I can’t even feel this no more! Or maybe I should loosen up with some Tae Boa.

FASTBACK: Y’all might want to consider some bearobics.Ah think your Christmas hams are getting’ a mite plump!

PIG IRON: Oh, yeah? Well, c’mere, ya teensy tortoise, and let me lay my dainty pig’s feet on ya fer a minute!

YANKEE POODLE: Oh, but the turtle is right, dahling…you really could use a tripe-o-suction.

ALLEY-KAT-ABRA: I wonder if I could lift that much weight using my ANTric magic?

RUBBERDUCK: Let’s face it…there’s no point in working out right now. I might as well be over in Follywood making another blockbuzzard movie…We haven’t fought a villain in ages!

LITTLE CHEESE: Not since MAD COW. Man, that guy was diseased! I guess we just have the villain community running like three blind…I don’t know. But three blind SOMETHING!

YANKEE POODLE: (to Rubberduck) * snort * …I don’t know, dahling. I saw you in CARIBOUgie Knights— I think I like you better hanging out here than making movies! You haven’t made a good picture since ARMADILLOGEDDON!

ALLEY-KAT-ABRA: Gosh, Y.P.! You’re such a bitch!

YANKEE POODLE: Meow meow, dearie!

Captain Carrot bounds into the room…

CAPTAIN CARROT: All right, quadrupeds! Let’s go…we have an emergency at the Los Alamoose Observatory! Something BIG. To the CARROTMOBILE, everyone!

YANKEE POODLE: Well, my GOODNESS, Captain! Is it a robbery?

CAPTAIN CARROT: No, Y.P. It’s an ALIEN INVASION!

SOON OUR BRAVE FURRY FRIENDS ARRIVE TO FIND the wreckage of A GARGANTUAN SPACECRAFT where the observatory once stood. There are NO OBSERVATORY PERSONNEL ANYWHERE AT THE SCENE!

FASTBACK: Ah did what y’all said and took a peek inside the hatch, Cap, an’ far as ah can tell, it looks like a big hangar bay inside, with these big things that look like eggs, only twenny times bigger!

CAPTAIN CARROT: All right…someone needs to go inside and check these out. We have to assume these creatures are hostile, so…

RUBBERDUCK: Send Pig-Iron! Ham goes well with eggs!

PIG-IRON: Pipe down, Pipsqueak!

CAPTAIN CARROT: No, he’s right. You have the best chance if there’s a sneak attack, Pig-Iron. Take Yankee Poodle as back-up. Be careful, guys!

Soon after Pig-Iron and Yankee Poodle go inside, the remaining members of the Zoo Crew hear their terrible cries from INSIDE the SPACESHIP!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yip yip yip!!!

CAPTAIN CARROT: Pig-Iron! We got here as fast as we could! What happened? What’s that on Yankee Poodle’s FACE? LEAPIN’ LETTUCE!

PIG IRON: No, I think it’s more like some kinda huge leapin’ INSECT! I turned my back for a second, and when I turned back around, this THING was stuck to her head! Oh, by the Great Zookeeper! She ain’t breathin’! I think she’s…I think she’s DEAD, Cap!

CAPTAIN CARROT: Beaver DAMMIT! I TOLD her to wear her Flea & Tick collar!

ALLEY-KAT-ABRA: And look at what she did on the FLOOR! Bad dog! Bad doggie!

CAPTAIN CARROT: All right, quickly, Zoo Crew! Let’s try Cardio-pulminary rhesus-itation! Pig-Iron, you take that thing off her face…carefully! Rubberduck, you open her uniform and I’ll give her mouth-to-muzzle …GO!

RUBBERDUCK: EW!! She has eight nipples! EWW!!!

SUDDENLY, A HIDEOUS, SNARLING ALIEN APPEARS AND GRIPS CAPTAIN CARROT WITH ITS RAZOR-TIPPED PREHENSILE TAIL! IT’S SIX-CLAWED HAND EFFORTLESSLY SMASHES FASTBACK INTO THE BULKHEAD OF THE GREAT SHIP, WHERE HE LIES DREADFULLY STILL!

RUBBERDUCK: That thing WAXED the TURTLE!

LITTLE CHEESE: (Weeping…) Oh, game over! We’re TOAST, man! Oh, man! We’re not gonna make it! Oh, sweet Cheese-us!!!

ALLEY-KAT-ABRA: Pig-Iron! LOOK OUT!

BUT THE WARNING COMES TOO LATE, AS ANOTHER HIDEOUS FACE-HUGGER EJECTS ITSELF FROM ITS EGG TO GLUE ITSELF ONTO THE NOBLE METAL PIG’S HUMBLE MUG…

PIG-IRON: GRmmmMMMPPPHH!!!!

LITTLE CHEESE: Oh, man! We’re totally SHREWed!

RUBBERDUCK: KILL IT, CAP! KILL THE ALIEN BEFORE IT KILLS US ALL!

Captain Carrot struggles mightily against the beast, finally working a hand free to rip the beast’s tail apart…unaware that the beast’s highly corrosive blood will spray all those within spattering distance…

ALLEY-KAT-ABRA: AAAAAAAhhhh! It burns!!!

LITTLE CHEESE:(Retreating within himself…) I’m just a little mouse…he can’t see me…the big monster can’t see me…

THE ENRAGED BEAST RUNS, SPEWING ACID FROM ITS INJURED TAIL, RIGHT TOWARDS THE ELASTIC WATERFOWL, WHO IS PARALYZED WITH TERROR!

CAPTAIN CARROT: R.D.! LOOK OUT!!! IT’S COMING RIGHT FOR YOU!!

ALIEN: Hssssssssssssss!

RUBBERDUCK: Oh, motherduck!

ALIEN: Hsssss!

RUBBERDUCK: Oh…oh.it’s got two mouths…oh, no…

SPLAT!!!

CAPTAIN CARROT: Great Groundhogs! It got Rubberduck! It de-carp-etated him! Everyone’s down but me, and I don’t think I can handle that thing alone!

PIG-IRON: Yer NOT alone, CAP! That face-huggin’ thing fell off my face somehow. I’m with ya, Cap! We’re Earth-C’s last hope…so let’s quit yakkin’ an’ KILL that stinkin’ piece of Shih Tzu!

CAPTAIN CARROT: All right! If we die, we die FIGHTING like ANIMALS!!!

PIG-IRON: OOOIIIIIIIINNNNNNNKKKKK!!!

ALIEN: Hhsssssssssssssssssssss!

CAPTAIN CARROT AND PIG-IRON BRAVELY THROW THEMSELVES AT THE HIDEOUS, ACID-SPEWING CREATURE!!!

AFTER A TREMENDOUS AND VICIOUS COMBAT, A VICTORIOUS BUT SEVERELY BATTLE-SCARRED CAPTAIN CARROT BENDS DOWN TO HOLD THE HEAD OF ALLEY-KAT-ABRA, WHO IS HIDEOUSLY BURNED…

ALLEY-KAT-ABRA: …cap…never got to…find out…if we could…cross-breed…goodbye, cap…I always…lo…*

CAPTAIN CARROT: (Crying…) Catnap in peace, little kitty. May you go to the Zookeeper through a universe of squeaky toys and big balls of yarn…

FASTBACK: Gawrsh, Cap…ah’m sorry to intrude an’ all, but ah need some medical attention right away, and Pig-Iron ain’t lookin’ too good, and ah think Li’l Cheese might need to go to a loon-ey house, or somethin’…

LITTLE CHEESE: Hehehh! That thing put the cat to sleep! Heheheheh! We’ll have to bury her in a cardboard box in the back yard! Heheheheh!

PIG IRON: Urk.

CAPTAIN CARROT: Pig-Iron! What’s the matter?

PIG IRON: It’s my STOMACH! It HURTS! Urk…ulp!

A vicious, blind and bloody snake-like Alien bursts from the mammoth pig’s stomach, killing him instantly as his blood splatters the spaceship floor…

CAPTAIN CARROT and FASTBACK: PIG-IRON!!!

CAPTAIN CARROT: Ugh! Chitluns everywhere!

FASTBACK: Uh…ah’m not as good as y’all with the puns. Maybe somethin’ about bacon or pork chops or somethin’?

ALIEN: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE!

LITTLE CHEESE: hehhehhe…looks like Pork Bellies are rising! Hahahahahahahaha! AHAHAHAHHAHHHHHAHAHHHAHAHAHAAAA!

NEXT WEEK: TERMINATOR VS. SUGAR AND SPIKE!!!

Apologies to Dark Horse Comics, 20th Century Fox, DC
Comics, and ah, hell, apologies to the entire comics
and film communities. But a BIG HUGE YABS thank you
to SCOTT “I’m a GENIUS!” SHAW! – Gail




Art by Scott Shaw! Colored by Jim MacQuarrie and Jonah Weiland.

You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the following information.

Captain Carrot & all related characters are TM & © DC Comics. Aliens is ™ & © Twentieth Century Fox. All Rights Reserved.

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