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[She-Hulk]
RRRRIIIIINNNNGGG!!!!!

FEMALE OPERATOR: Hello, welcome to 1-555-BAD-GIRL, “Where YOUR pleasure is OUR pleasure.” Do you have a VISA card handy, sir?

CALLER: Uh…yes, I do. This is my first time doing this. I’m a little nervous.

FEMALE OPERATOR: Don’t worry, you’re doing fine. I just started myself. Can I have your Visa number, please?

CALLER: Of course-it’s 4012 XXXXXXXXXX.

FEMALE OPERATOR: Very good. And you ARE over 18, right?

CALLER: Oh, yes…definitely. Can we hurry this along? My wife is coming home soon.

FEMALE OPERATOR: It’s your $4.99 a minute, honey. We can do whatever you want.

CALLER: Okay, okay. Well, can you describe yourself?

FEMALE OPERATOR: Sure. Let’s see…I’m seven feet tall…

CALLER: WHAT?

FEMALE OPERATOR: Yep! And I weigh 650 pounds, more or less…

CALLER: …um…HEALTHY girl, aren’t you?

FEMALE OPERATOR: You have NO IDEA. Also, I have green skin. You like green skin, baby?

CALLER: Uh…I guess so…Hey, are you the She-Hulk?

FEMALE OPERATOR: We’re not supposed to use real names, here, baby. Why don’t you call me…say, “Lola?”

CALLER: You ARE the She-Hulk!!!

FEMALE OPERATOR: Look, keep it down, will you? The manager’s already on my back about doing Avengers business in between calls…

CALLER: Wow! The She-Hulk! What are YOU doing working at one of these phone lines?

FEMALE OPERATOR: Well, truthfully, the lawyer gig isn’t paying like it used to, and the Avengers stipend only goes so far when everything you wear has to be custom-fitted, you know. I have expensive tastes.

CALLER: I can’t believe I’m talking to the She-Hulk. Wow!

FEMALE OPERATOR: Look, didn’t you call here for a REASON? What’s your name?

CALLER: Um…call me “Rob.”

FEMALE OPERATOR: All right, “Rob”…what can I do for you?

CALLER: Well…I HAVE been a bad boy.

FEMALE OPERATOR: What?

CALLER: Yes. Nothing less than a stern punishment will do for me, since I’ve been so VERY naughty and all.

FEMALE OPERATOR: I don’t get it. What is it exactly that you DID?

CALLER: Well, I spoke out of turn. And I fed myself without permission. Does that displease you, Mistress!

FEMALE OPERATOR…OH!! I get it now! You’re one of those little MASOCHIST weasels, right? Why didn’t you just SAY so?

CALLER: Please don’t be mad at me, Mistress!

FEMALE OPERATOR: Got it, got it…Okay, let’s see. Yes, I’m VERY displeased. You CERTAINLY have been a very bad boy, Rob, and it’s obvious, at least to me, that a firm warning isn’t going to be NEARLY good enough to teach you a lesson.

CALLER: Oh! I AGREE! I really am, as you previously stated, a weasel.

FEMALE OPERATOR: Hmmm…now let’s see. What could I DO to you that would be punishment enough to make good and sure you REALLY learned your lesson…?

CALLER: **slobber drool**

FEMALE OPERATOR: I know! I could HIT YOU IN THE FACE!

CALLER: What?

FEMALE OPERATOR: Yeah! Listen, I can crush bricks in my grip. If I were to hit you in the face, even just a little tap, it’d vaporize your entire head. It’d just be a big nothing where your head used to be!

CALLER: Uh…

FEMALE OPERATOR: Does that get you hot, baby? How about if I was to kick you in the ass? See, if I was to kick you, most likely my foot would go right through you and bisect you completely, leaving two bloody Rob halves. Do you like that? Of course, you COULD wear armor, and then what would happen is you’d fly, oh, maybe a quarter mile or so, and land SPLAT just a big mess. Bet you wouldn’t displease your “Mistress” again after THAT!

CALLER: I think I’ve made a mistake…

FEMALE OPERATOR: Hey! This is EASY! What about THIS? I tear your arms off, I mean I wouldn’t even have to yank very hard, and then I start BEATING you with your own arms. THEN I’d twist your head ALL THE WAY AROUND! You’d LIKE that, wouldn’t you, worm? Would that get you off?

CALLER: Is there someone ELSE there I could talk to?

FEMALE OPERATOR: What? I thought you guys liked to get abused! What DID you have in mind?

CALLER: I thought, I mean, well, I thought perhaps a little spanking…

FEMALE OPERATOR: Oh, YEAH! I could give you a REAL spanking! See, one slight whack of my hand would certainly fracture your pelvis, SNAP!, and doubtless cause massive internal bleeding…Oh, yeah, baby…you like it? You want more?

CALLER: Please…you’re scaring me.

FEMALE OPERATOR: Ah! You’ve just pressed the button on your touch-tone phone for hot two-girl action!

CALLER: No, I didn’t!

FEMALE OPERATOR: Yes, you did, you weasel! And don’t you even THINK about hanging up. You do NOT want to piss me off! I’d like to introduce you to my friend, Tigra…er, that is, I mean, “LaToya…”

FEMALE OPERATOR #2: Hi, Rob! “Lola” here tells me you like it rough. Is that right, you revolting little piece of ****? Well, here’s what I’D like to do. First, see, I take one of my claws, and I make a small incision along the back of your skull, right along the hairline, and then I lift the flap of skin and pull it up over your head so you couldn’t see…You like that, baby?

CALLER: ack…choke…!

FEMALE OPERATOR: And then I’d do that spanking thing, or maybe I’d just sort of snap your spinal column, and leave you wiggling in the mud!

FEMALE OPERATOR #2: You were right, Jen…this IS fun! What about if I just REACHED into his side and pulled out his kidneys? You know, while he was still alive?

CALLER: (Sounds of weeping…)

FEMALE OPERATOR: OR…! What about THIS: I could see how much of him I can fit in the glove box of my Porsche!

FEMALE OPERATOR #2: I could bite him, just tenderly at first, but then start taking HUGE CHUNKS out!

FEMALE OPERATOR: I could STOMP on him! STOMP STOMP STOMP! Hey, being a dominatrix RULES!

CALLER: Please! Please let me go, you can have my credit card…I won’t tell! Just let me go!

FEMALE OPERATOR #2: You’re done already? Quick little weasel, aren’t you? Say that you’re a quick little weasel or it’s FANG TIME, baby!

FEMALE OPERATOR: That’s what I’ve been calling him! Honest, I called him a weasel right off! HAHAHA! That’s so FUNNY!

FEMALE OPERATOR #2: Oh, you’re KIDDING! Ha! Well, I guess he just sort of gives off a weasel-y vibe, huh, “Lola?”

CALLER: click..!

FEMALE OPERATOR: …Rob?

FEMALE OPERATOR #2: He hung up!

FEMALE OPERATOR: I got his credit card…maybe we should go have lunch on Rob!

FEMALE OPERATOR #2: This is SUCH a great job…!

FEMALE OPERATOR: Yeah, being a sex symbol to geeks is the BEST!

RRIIIINNNNNG!!!

FEMALE OPERATOR: Hang on, Tigra…I have another call. Hello, welcome to 1-555-BAD-GIRL, “Where YOUR pleasure is OUR pleasure.” Do you have a VISA card handy, sir?

CALLER: Yes…

FEMALE OPERATOR: Hey! You’re voice is really familiar. Do I know you?

CALLER: Er…no, I’m certain that you don’t, young lady.

FEMALE OPERATOR #2: I recognize his voice, too! Hey, Reed!

CALLER: …

FEMALE OPERATOR: Why, REED! You BAD BAD BOY! Does SUE know about this?

FEMALE OPERATOR #2: THIS JOB RULES!




You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

She-Hulk and all related characters are TM & © Marvel Comics. All Rights Reserved.

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