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THE TROPICANA

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA

The scene is a packed house in the Grand Showroom of the Tropicana Club. At white-linened tables, elderly couples give drink orders to cocktail waitresses with only candlelight to navigate by. There is a respectful hush in the room. From the showroom’s state-of-the-art sound system, the music from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays suddenly. Gently rattling glasses of wine and club soda, as the voice of the announcer is heard…

MC: Ladies and Gentlemen–From her smash engagements on Paradise Island and the Justice League’s Lunar Base, tonight making her Las Vegas debut…please give a warm welcome to tonight’s headliner…WONDER WOMAN!

Riotous applause from the crowd as a solitary spotlight hits the main stage. The music to Bruce Springsteen’s BORN IN THE USA plays loudly in the background as four showgirls dressed in mini-skirt togas with thong bikini underwear and elaborate feathered headdresses wheel a ten foot statue of Wonder Woman out into the spotlight. Suddenly, the statue bursts into pieces and Diana is revealed inside. She raises one hand, and a special red gel spot glints light off of her bracelet. A Glamazon hands her a microphone as two others help her down the steps in the statue’s pedestal. She walks down the steps to the pounding beat as fog covers the stage floor, and a laser light shows strafes the room with color.

WONDER WOMAN:

Born down in Themyscira, man

Made from clay cooked in the island sand–

Mom made me an offer that I couldn’t refuse

So I wasted half my life ridin’ kangaroos…

Got tired of the sister scene

But you can’t disobey when your mom’s the queen,

They had a contest and they said I passed

Now you’ll all live in peace or I will kick your ass,

I was…

BORN out of magic clay, I was

BORN out of magic clay, I was

BORN out of magic clay,

I’m a high-flying princess in the J.L.A!

WONDER WOMAN: Ladies and gentleman, I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being here with me and making my musical dreams come true. It’s so magical to see all of you and get a chance to share this special, special evening. Few people outside of my Amazon sisters know that I’ve always longed for the stage, and now, you people have finally given me that chance…

Suddenly, a crazy man with a bushy mustache comes running down the aisle towards the stage, hollering and throwing confetti from a bucket at the club’s patrons…

WONDER WOMAN: Why, who is that crazy man? Is it ARES?

GLAMAZONS: No, no, no, Diana!

WONDER WOMAN: Is it DR. PSYCHO?

GLAMAZONS: No, no, no, Diana!

WONDER WOMAN: Why, it’s comedy legend RIP TAYLOR, ladies and gentleman!

Crowd roars with applause as Rip Taylor throws confetti everywhere…

RIP TAYLOR: AH HAHAHAHA! Man, this confetti gag NEVER gets old! Diana, I’m here to HELP you in your battle! I want to JOIN the JLA!

WONDER WOMAN: Well, that’s nice, comedy legend Rip Taylor, but…you don’t have any powers!

RIP TAYLOR: Oh yeah? Well, let me tell YOU, Miss Thing-seeing those Glamazons in those skimpy togas is making me GROW as we SPEAK!

Crowd laughs…

HECKLER (From audience): Oh, SURE! Like RIP TAYLOR’S straight! I’m SO sure!

WONDER WOMAN: Well, comedy legend Rip Taylor…you know we fight a LOT of villains in the JLA. It can get pretty dangerous! Like yesterday, we were fighting T.O. Morrow…

RIP TAYLOR: How could you fight tomorrow yesterday?

WONDER WOMAN: No, no, YESTERDAY we were fighting T.O. MORROW, and he had Appellaxians, too…

RIP TAYLOR: I had Appellaxians once. I couldn’t sit down for a WEEK!

HECKLER: Now THAT I believe!

WONDER WOMAN: …And SUDDENLY, I was ambushed by the Cheetah…

RIP TAYLOR: Cheetahs never prosper! (Blows into a noisemaker…)

WONDER WOMAN: All I’m saying to you, Rip Taylor, is…HIT IT!

The band strikes up a pounding version of Y. M.C. A.

WONDER WOMAN:

Young man!

You can beat up on goons, I said

Young man!

You can hang on the moon,

Young man!

We got turned to baboons

There’s no need-for-those– crossovers…!

(Five dancers dresses as the J.L.A. and the real Aquaman come out and begin dancing and singing along, spelling out J.L.A. with their arms…)

ALL:

It’s fun to be in…

MY J.L.A!

It’s fun to be in…

MY J.L.A!

WONDER WOMAN: Young man, young man

Pound on Doomsday and Bane

You can ride in my see-through plane!

ALL: It’s fun to be in

MY J.L.A!

It’s fun to be in…

MY J.L.A…

AQUAMAN (Croaking…)

Young man, young man

They might cut off your hand,

But you’ll get to meet Superman!

HECKLER: Oh, my God! He’s terrible! Send him back to the fish!

WONDER WOMAN: Why, Aquaman! Fancy meeting YOU here in the DESERT!

AQUAMAN (Confused, obviously reading from cue cards…): Uh…Actually, Diana, I often come to visit the grand showroom here at the Tropicana, the full-service casino with the loosest slots in town…er…uh…

WONDER WOMAN: …And don’t forget their world-famous All-you-can-eat seafood buffet, Aquaman!

RIP TAYLOR: How can he FORGET it? He IS the buffet! HAHAHAA!

AQUAMAN (Still reading from cards…): uh…Aquaman chases Rip Taylor off the stage…Oh, right, right. Sorry.

Aquaman chases Rip Taylor off the stage to howls of laughter from the elderly, shrimp cocktail-eating audience…

WONDER WOMAN: Aquaman, maybe this is a good time to let you know…

Strains of “Wind Beneath My Wings” play gently through the sound system…

WONDER WOMAN:

It must have been cold deep in the ocean-

To live up on land was not your way…

You never got asked to come to my island

You never got in my bustier-

AQUAMAN (Off-key…):

It must have been hard to sit beside me…

The smell of the sea can be hard to bear-

But I am a king and you’re a princess, I know it

Please let me see your underwear…

BOTH (To each other):

Did you ever know that you’re my hero

You’re everything I would like to be…

WONDER WOMAN:

I can fly higher than an eagle

AQUAMAN:

I have to use one hand when I pee…

WONDER WOMAN (Going all Mariah Carey…):

Did you ever know that you’re my hero?

You are the reason that I sing

AQUAMAN:

I can swim deeper than a sea bass

BOTH:

Cause you are the wind-

Beneath my…

Wiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggs!

SIEGFRIED (Appearing suddenly, wearing a starfish-shaped hat…): AHA! I um SIEGFRIED! I mean, I um STARRO THE CONQUERER! Und I am here to DESTROY you, you shtupit Joostice Leaguers! Now, face mein deadly Star-beasts!

Four glamazons dressed as starfish come out to menace Diana and Aquaman. One fires a prop gun at Diana, who nimbly deflects the fake bullets. Arthur defeats one of the dancers, but another stabs him with a rubber knife as the audience gasps. He hams it up, enjoying his big scene as he falls to the ground…Diana quickly defeats the remaining beasts and “Starro.”

STARRO: Ack! I um defeated! Come und zee me und Roy at the Palace, Thursday through Sunday!

WONDER WOMAN: Arthur! You’re wounded!

AQUAMAN: Go…go on without me, Diana. I’m…I’m done for.

HECKLER: He’s the worst actor I’ve ever seen! For God’s sake, wasn’t Booster Gold available?

Wonder Woman throws her golden lasso into the air, as the show’s big set piece, a replica of her Invisible Plane, is lowered from the rafters. As she hangs from the plane, holding the wounded Aquaman, the Glamazons change the set below to an Escher-like Paradise Island set. The sounds of Prince’s “Purple Rain” play in the background, as Diana lowers herself and Aquaman to the stage.

WONDER WOMAN:

I never meant to cause you any sorrow

I never meant to see you hurt this way

And now there’s only one thing that can help you

I only want to see you healing from the Purple Ray-

WONDER WOMAN and GLAMAZONS (To Aquaman…):

Purple Ray, Purple Ray

Purple Ray, Purple Ray

Purple Ray, Purple Ray

I only want to see you smiling in the Purple Ray-

(Audience holds up lighters and beings swaying to the music…)

WONDER WOMAN:

I never wanted to be your weekend lover

I want something that goes on and on…

Baby, I could never lose you to another

I only hope that you don’t make me go upstream to spawn–

ALL:

Purple Ray, Purple Ray!

Purple Ray, Purple Ray!

Purple Ray, Purple Ray!

I only want to see you healing from the Purple Ray!

AQUAMAN: Diana? I’m alive! Your ray saved me!

Aquaman embraces Wonder Woman joyously…

WONDER WOMAN: Hey, watch that HOOK, buster!

Audience roars with laughter…

HECKLER: Hey! Goddammit, that doesn’t even make any SENSE! Just a minute ago, she was all over him! This is the worst show I’ve ever SEEN, and I’ve seen SUZANNE SOMMERS!

MAN SEVERELY BEATEN AFTER TROP SHOW

UPI Newswire

(LAS VEGAS, NEVADA) – A man asking to remain anonymous was beaten badly, immediately after attending Wonder Woman’s new song and dance show at the Tropicana Club last evening. Though he declined to identify his attackers, numerous rope marks and small puncture wounds would seem to indicate an unusual method of assault.

When asked from his hospital bed if he had any comment, the man replied, “No comment. Hey, have you seen that Wonder Woman show? It’s a Hell of a thing. She’s like Judy Garland and Whitney Houston rolled into one. She’s boffo. And that Aquaman is…honest, I’m not making this up, he’s great. Who knew he could sing and dance? Oh, Christ, please don’t let them beat me again!”




A big YABS thanks to Kevin Wilson, Rob Harris, and Shade, swell pals all who helped a lot with inspiration and proofing and such. THANKS, GUYS!


You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

Wonder Woman, Aquaman and all related characters are TM & © DC Comics. Tropicana logo is © Aztar Corporation. All Rights Reserved.

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