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[Thimble Theatre of the Absurd]
Many comic fans may be aware that in early 1999, E.C. Segar’s two most-beloved characters, Popeye and Olive Oyl, were married after a nearly sixty-year courtship. The blessed event was chronicled (by a very talented team of creators) in a comic book, “The Wedding of Popeye and Olive Oyl.”

Unfortunately, shortly afterwards, there appeared to be icebergs in the otherwise calm waters of the famous sailor’s life…

NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY AT THE HOUSE OF MANDRAKE THE MAGICIAN…

MANDRAKE: Miss Olive, I do hate to bring this to your attention, but I’m afraid your husband has had too much to drink. Some of the other party guests are complaining.

TARZAN: It’s true. He offered to fight me over a shrimp puff and then, he made a crude suggestion to Jane. At least, I THINK he did. What IS a “belaying pin,” anyway?

OLIVE: Oh, oh! Lord Greystoke, I’m so SOOOoooOOOOrrry! You know how those sailor men can be! Say, YOU’ve certainly got an awful lot of muscles, and I can’t help but notice that your forearms are natcherly-shaped, mmmm-hhhmmm?

MANDRAKE(Whispering to Tarzan…) : Careful, old man…I heard from Alley Oop that she’s a woman of loose character, and her husband is beastly jealous!

TARZAN (Whispering to Mandrake…): She looks like a jungle vine wearing a dress…

OLIVE (Fluttering her eyes…: OH, you’re both such GENTLEMEN, and so handsome! Why, I feel so…safe around the two of you!

MANDRAKE: Er…Really, Miss Oyl, surely, your husband could use some assistance?

OLIVE: Darn. DARN DARN DARN! You never want me to have ANY fun. I hate this party! It’s UGLY! I don’t know why all the other parties are so lovely and I have to be here at this UGLY party with YOU! HMPH!

MANDRAKE: But, Miss Oyl! We’ve only just met this evening!

OLIVE: U. G. L. Y! You think because you have a MOUSTACHE you can tell me what to think!

MANDRAKE (Gesturing hypnotically…): TULS, ENOGEB!

MANDRAKE: I taught that trick to Zatara, you know.

POOF!

TARZAN: Good show, Mandrake! You’ve made the lady vanish! I wish you could teach that to my Waziri warriors.

MANDRAKE: Oh, yes, I also have an African assistant. He’s a prince in his own country, but he comes here to drive my car and press my suit and such. Splendid fellow, really, for an uncivilized brute.

LITTLE NEMO: how ever oh ever shall I prevail against the monsters attacking from above? …surely these are not my bedsheets.

TARZAN: That child annoys me. Behold, the Ghost-Who-Walks approaches! Hail, Phantom!

THE PHANTOM: Hello, Lord Greystoke! Greetings, Mandrake! Was that the wife of the sailor man I saw with you moments ago?

MANDRAKE: It was indeed, Phantom!

THE PHANTOM: Not much meat on her, but a tasty ride nonetheless, I say!

TARZAN: Phantom! Surely, you don’t mean that you and she…

THE PHANTOM: Oh, YES! BIG party at the Skull Cave THAT night! Ask Buck Rogers…he went back for seconds!

LITTLE NEMO: …oh, miss, its my sheets I have soiled them as I dreamt I was in a river of lollipops.

MANDRAKE: But, Ye Gods, Man…She’s the SAILOR’S wife! You know how he gets when he’s drunk!

THE PHANTOM: Ah, but you should have seen her in her naked glory. She looked like a pink jungle vine.

[The Phantom]

TARZAN: Haha! That is just what I said, Ghost-Who-Walks!

PHANTOM: Like a two-by-four with two gumdrops glued on!

MANDRAKE: I knew it was a mistake to invite them.

LITTLE NEMO: …and where is my Mama with my break-fast? …naked, too, did I see her, the Oyl woman….like a jungle vine did she appear to me…Oh! I have fallen! Oh!

Olive re-appears in another room in Mandrake’s house, where she is accosted by J. Wellington Wimpy in a dark corner, away from the party-goers.

WIMPY: And as I have stated, I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a dippy skwishy bang bang today, you sumptuous tart!

OLIVE: Oh, Wimpy! You make me feel like a genuine womanly woman!

Suddenly, a mighty hand ( with a deformedly-large, anchor-tattooed forearm attached) clamps down viciously on Wimpy’s shoulder.

POPEYE: AVAST, ya swab! That’s me WIFE yer gropeskin’! Why I oughtta bust yez right in th’ MUSH!

WIMPY (Nervously…): Why, er, uh, Popeye! You’ve obviously mistaken this situation for something indecent! Why, I was simply…uh…I dropped my wallet, yes, that’s it, I dropped my wallet, and I was feeling her…was ASKING her, if she’s had sex with me…SEEN it!

Olive’s father, Cole Oyl, appears through the crowd of puzzled party-goers…

COLE (Angry at Wimpy…): Touching my daughter’s Yummies! You owe me an APOLOGY!

OLIVE: Oh, for once, stand UP to him, Wimpy! He’s just a big PHOOEY!

POPEYE: Oh, a Phooey, is I? Shut upsk and belay that talks, woman! Yer a natcheral disgrace! I is DISGUSTIPATED! Plus, yer getting a great big FAT ASS!

OLIVE: Oh! You see how he treats me? I’ve gained THREE OUNCES since we got married, and he calls me FAT! PHOOEY! He thinks because he has a tattoo he’s the boss of everything. Phooey!

POPEYE: Izzat a SEA COW I hears callin’? Prolly lookskin’ fer th’ rest o’ th’ herd, I imaginks! Yer a randy doxie and ya knows it! I seen tha’ way ya looks at Tarzank’s loinscloth!

COLE: Calling my daughter fat! You owe me an APOLOGY!

POPEYE: AW, SHADDUP, ya ol’ idjit! Yer own belovesked wife’s a skrumpet, jesk like yer only female daughtersk!

OLIVE: You leave Nana OUT of this, you, you, IMPOTENT BASTARD!

COLE: Calling my wife a skrumpet! Why, you owe me an apology!

POPEYE: Oh, so I’m IMPOTENTSK, am I? Well, that’s rich, comingsk from the biggest, fattest trampsk in th’ funnies! Whyntcha drop anchor on that wide galley ya sit on, fat ass? That TRUNK yer carryin’s getting’ humonstrous!

OLIVE: Yes, IMPOTENT. When I heard about your “one squinky eye,” I thought they meant the one in your HEAD. PHOOEY! And I’ll have you know that I’m still a perfect size zero!

POPEYE: Oh, th’ blubber’s flyin’ now, I sees! I sees it!

JEEP: JEEP!

WIMPY: Perhaps I should leave this family squabble. I hate violence, never touch the stuff. It’s too much like work. Maybe we should get together and have a duck supper. You bring the ducks and the supper…?

JEEP: JEEP!

OLIVE: When I think of how I gave you the flower of my womanhood…!

POPEYE: Oh, yez’ve bin givingsk them weeds away ta every barnacle in th’ port, blow me down!

OLIVE: Blow YOURSELF down, you freak! I’m going back to my Nana!

POPEYE: Whazzat? Hey, yer not seriousk, is ya? I was jest funnin’ with tha’ fat ass bilge! Ya cain’t leavesk, ya gots a responsakabiliky ta yer one and onliest SWEE’PEA!

OLIVE: I’ve HAD it with you, Popeye. I’m LEAVING. Swee’pea is FIFTY YEARS old and still wears a SLEEPER! It’s time he GREW UP! PHOOEY! Goodbye!

POPEYE: But, but…Olivesk! I LOVES ya! I can’t change…I yam what I yam!

OLIVE: You’re UGLY and SHORT and IMPOTENT. I’m going over to BLUTO’S house. He knows how to treat a LADY. Goodbye, FOREVER!

JEEP: JEEP!

POPEYE: **sniff** I am humiligrated! Th’ love of me lifesk sez there’s no oak in me mizzenmast! Bawwwwwwllll! I’m goinsk after her! This is me moment of desperacation! I’m already misskin’ that fat ass o’ hers!

MANDRAKE: There, there, old man! She’s not worth it. Why don’t you go upstairs to my guestroom, and have a nice lie-down, and in the morning, things will look much better?

POPEYE: Getcher hand offa me, ya sissy! The way ya gots that MOUSTACHESK, yer prolly a Frenchy, an’ I HATE FRENCHIES!

BLONDIE: He’s sauced! Don’t let him drive!

BUCK ROGERS: Man, I don’t understand how a hot, fine babe like Olive would end up with a sawed-off shrimp like you, Sailor-man.

POPEYE: Whuzzat? I’ll KILLS ya! Ya ****in’ ****face! ****s ya!

Popeye belts Buck Rogers in the mush, breaking his nose. Blood flies everywhere…

POW!

POPEYE: Not such a loudskmout’ now, is ya, ya pansy spaceskman?! C’mon! I kin lick th’ lotta yas!

BUCK ROGERS: My face! My beautiful, aquiline face!

MANDRAKE: Hurry, Lothar! Get Joe Palooka and Flash Gordon in here, NOW!! Popeye’s drunk and…

POW!

POPEYE: So I’m drunksk, huh, magicks boy? Maybe when ya FINDS yer LIPS ya can call me drunksk AGAIN, huh? And that wuz WIT’OUT SPINACH!

MANDRAKE: TIMMADOG, WO!!! WO!!!

FLASH GORDON: Can’t get a clear shot with my ray gun!

TARZAN (Leaping at Popeye…): KREEGAH BUNDOLO!

POW!

POPEYE: TAKES THAT, MONKEY BOY!

TARZAN: OW! CRAP! OW, DAMN! OWWWWWW!! MY EYE! CRAP!

DAGWOOD: GET HIM! GET THE LITTLE SAILOR BASTARD!!! I’LL BE RIGHT HERE MAKING A SANDWICH!

LITTLE NEMO: oh, please stop fighting, bluto has called and there is a party at his house for the whole gang in honor of miss oyl. …mama, where are my rubbers?

JEEP: JEEP! JEEP! JEEP!




Be sure and order Simpsons #50, featuring the professional comics debut of me, Gail Simone, in this issue of Previews! Also featuring Chuck Dixon, Neil Alsip, Hilary barta, Scott Cunningham, and many others. Just order it, already!

    – Gail

Discuss this column on the You’ll All Be Sorry! Message Board.

Popeye, Olive Oyl, The Phantom are ™ & © King Features Syndicate. All other characters are trademarks of their respective owners.

You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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