TYLER: This yer first time in the sewer, Kid?
SMITH: NO. I mean, no, of course not. I’ve been on lots of these bug hunts.
TYLER: Yeah, right. Watch yer step there.
SMITH: Hey, don’t give me no grief, awright? I’m cool, okay? I’m not a greenie.
TYLER: Yeah, okay, fine. Greenie.
SMITH: Look, you call me that again and it’s GO time, got it?
TYLER: Calm down, I’m sure yer a real badass.
SMITH: You don’t wanna find out the hard way, old man.
TYLER: Better be quiet now. Yer SCARIN’ me. Looka me, I’ve almost wet my pants.
SMITH: Look, what is your friggin’ PROBLEM, Gramps? You think I just got outta Boot or sumpin?
TYLER: Lissen, kid. Yer all right. You got some balls, that’s real good. But if you think you have a CLUE what goes on down the Pipe, yer kiddin’ yerself, and yer gonna get someone hurt.
SMITH: Hey, I was second in my class in marksmanship, Pops. I can handle myself.
TYLER: Oh, sure. On the simulators, I bet yer a goddam terror. Only, it ain’t really like the simulators down there. The simulator don’t stink. The simulator don’t hunt you BACK.
SMITH: …You’re just flickin’ me a bunch of crap, tryin’ to psyche me out.
TYLER: GODDAMN IT, you LISTEN to me, you wet-nosed PUNK! I ain’t gonna burn or get et cause a YOU, you got it? You stay SHARP. You keep your rifle UP and your sidearm at the READY. And if they come, I don’t give a shit about yer training, you WILL stand and FIGHT! You will NOT RETREAT. Surrender is NOT an OPTION.
SMITH: Okay, okay, back off, awright? Just…just back off. I get the message.
TYLER: Damn punk. Goddamn punk.
SMITH: Awright, that’s enough. If yer such hot shit, how come I’m here replacing your washout partner , huh?
TYLER: Huh. ‘Washout partner.’ They tell you what happened to him at Central, kid? It was just two weeks ago. Me and Burns, like always. Best goddamn Sewer Sharks ever swam the Pipe. Nothing got by us, you know? Nothing.
SMITH: Yeah, well, I mighta heard some good things about you guys. A couple times, maybe.
TYLER: The BEST, kid. Don’t fool yerself. You be lucky to get HALF as good as Burns. He an’ me, we thought we was world-beaters. Like big game hunters in Africa, you know? We came down the Pipe, like always, straight into the Sewer of Obsolete Characters. Like we done a hundred times before. Man, I remember the first time we came down, takin’ out GI Joes and Transformers left and right, man. It was a BARBECUE, I mean it…
SMITH: So…so what happened that night? Two weeks ago?
TYLER: Kid, it was…you ever see that movie Saving Private Ryan? You know how they was shootin’ each other, and blood was flyin’ so thick, and the screamin’? It was like that, only with fireballs and ‘lectric shocks. They TRICKED us, see? Some a them is REAL smart. HUMAN smart, almost. They let us get in deep, feelin’ all cocky…then they closed ranks behind us. Before we could get out, one a them-one a them was on him. On Burns. I pulled it off, man. I did. With all those things tryin’ ta kill me, I went over and took that thing off his face. I thought he was dead, but he wasn’t. He shoulda been, been a lot better off.
SMITH: Good God.
TYLER: I threw a frag grenade. Ain’t s’posed ta carry them down here, cause the walls of the Pipe are so thin and old. Man, they been throwing used-up kids’ playthings down here since Major Matt Mason and Captain Action. Maybe before…no one knows for sure. Anyway, I threw the grenade, blew the crap out of the back rank of those monsters…and then it’s me holdin’ Burns head in my arm so the rest of his FACE don’t fall off…and he’s sayin’, ‘leave me, leave me,’ and I thought, you know, he was bein’ noble or some shit like that, but it just HURT him so bad. He didn’t WANT to go home, have his wife and kid see him, you know? Lookin’ like he did.
SMITH: He gonna be awright?
TYLER: He’s…surviving, surviving is all. Listen, kid–whatever they taught you at Boot, you remember it. You use it. And you keep thinking of Burns, an ice-cold vet and he STILL got ‘CHUed. Hey, hold up.
SMITH: What is it?
TYLER: What you just stepped in…that’s Jigglypuff scat.
SMITH: Christ! You had me all scared, an’ it’s just a Jigglypuff!
TYLER: Dammit, kid, ain’t you been listenin’ at ALL? Man, a few years back, we lost a whole SQUAD to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Just cause it’s CUTE doesn’t mean it won’t KILL ya! See, the kids beg for them, the parents buy them, then the brats get bored and throw them down the toilet, man. And they BREED down here. Feeding offa horrible stuff…Listen, promise me; you see a Power Ranger, you SHOOT TO KILL. Aim for the…
SMITH: …aim for the faceplates. I know, I know. Sad, man. I useta have ALL the Power Rangers. My favorite was the green one. Donny, or something.
TYLER: Dangerous attitude, kid. This stuff’s time is past. You remember that. Hang on, hang on…What was that?
STRANGER: Hey, man. Hey, man, you got a Psyduck, man? You got a Psyduck? Man, spare a Diglett for a Vet? Anything, man. Gotta…gotta catch ’em all, man. Bless you, man, give a Vet a Psyduck, just til I get back on my feet, man.
TYLER: Stay back, kid. It’s a Poké-head. He’s got the shakes, bad.
STRANGER: Diglett? Diglett, brother? Spare Clefairy? Help a brother out, lend him a Poliworl, man.
SMITH: What was that? What the **** WAS that?
STRANGER: C’mon, man, just give me a Psyduck, please, man…I’m BEGGIN’ ya.
TYLER: CLEAR OFF, ya friggin’ Poké-HEAD! Yer gonna be in the middle of some HEAVY SHIT, here, brother!
SMITH: WHAT IS THAT?
TYLER: You KNOW what it is. You get ready, kid. I…good luck. Just good luck. HERE IT COMES! FIRE, GODDAMMIT, FIRE!!!
SMITH: AAAAAAAH! CHRIST! IT’S STILL COMING!
TYLER: FIRE, KID!
TYLER: DIE, DAMN YOU! DIE!!!
SMITH: Let’s GO! We can call for BACK-UP! Let’s just GO!
TYLER: NO SURRENDER! NO RETREAT! BIGGER GUNS FOR BIGGER RATS! PIKACHU, I CHOOSE YOU…TO BURN IN HELL!
SMITH: That rat shoots LIGHTNING BOLTS! I’m OUTTA HERE, man! SCREW the mission!
TYLER: Don’t bother runnin’, punk. It’s dead. Disgusting yellow rodent. Jesus. You believe parents used to let their KIDS have these, before they started their final evolutionary stages? My own nephew had a pack of ’em. He’d have ‘battles’ with the neighbor’s kids. Cock-fighting for kids, is what it was, man.
SMITH: You killed it. Good. Good, man. Killed it dead.
TYLER: Yes, I did. And you RAN, punk. So here’s what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna march back out of the Pipe. And then YOU are gonna quit the Service. Not next week. Not tomorrow. TONIGHT. You’re OUT, you yella punk.
SMITH: Come on, man! I just…I just got nervous. I can’t wash out, man. I just CAN’T!
TYLER: HUSH! …We’re not alone…They’re behind us! Look out! For God’s sake, they’re EVERYWHERE!!!
And they were, too. They suckered us. Gave up one a their own, so’s we wouldn’t hear ’em comin’ out of the pipes behind us. Tyler lost it, started firin’ in every direction…shot the Poké-head in the leg on accident, so he was screamin’ about that when they swarmed at us. There was Abras, Geodudes, Magnamites-I even saw a Charizard, plain as day. We knew were ‘CHUed.
They took the Poké-head out first. A Bulbasaur got him. Poor bastard was so confused he tried to capture the monster in a Spaghettios can. Guess he’d used up his Poké-balls. Poor bastard. Thing used Razor Leaf on him, over and over, sayin’ “SAUR!” the whole time.
Funny thing about Tyler After all the battles…all the Masters of the Universe and Thundercats he’d put out of their misery, a Squirtle got him with a Water Gun Attack. A SQUIRTLE. I didn’t tell anyone back at Central. No one would think of him as a righteous Sewer Shark ever again…he’d always be the guy that got taken out by a frickin’ SQUIRTLE.
Yeah, I made it out. You know how? I ran. That’s right, I ran. No honor in bein’ dead while those sommabitches still rule the Pipe. So, I came back to get me some reinforcements and some bigger guns. They’re all going down. And ain’t no Turtles or Italian Plumbers getting’ in my way.
Pokémon. Gotta Kill ‘Em All, that’s my motto.