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<a>Disclaimer</a>
[BiZzArRo WoRlD!]

FAR OUT IN SPACE EXISTS THE ZANIEST PLANET IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE-THE SQUARE BIZARRO WORLD, INHABITED BY IMPERFECT DUPLICATES OF EARTH MEN AND WOMEN! HERE, THE NATURAL BEHAVIORS OF MANKIND ARE COMPLETELY REVERSED!

BIZARRO REPORTER: YOU AM RUNNING FOR DOG CATCHER, HIGHEST OFFICE IN ALL LAND! WHAT AM YOU QUALIFICATION?

BIZARRO GEORGE W. BUSH: ME KNOW ALL STATE CAPITOL! AM DUMB AS WHIP, MAKING ME HIGHLY QUALIFIED TO LET ALL PETS LOOSE, WHICH AM BIZARRO VERSION OF EARTH DOG CATCHER!

BIZARRO REPORTER: ME NOT CARE ABOUT SOUND BITE! WANT REAL SUBSTANCE!

BIZARRO BILL CLINTON: LOOK! ME AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH INTERN! ON BIZARRO EARTH, ME TOTAL HONEST GUY! LOOK! STAIN FROM BLUE DRESS GOING BACK INSIDE!

BIZARRO POLICEMAN: IT ILLEGAL NOT HARRASS INTERN ON BIZARRO EARTH! YOU GET ELECTRIC CHAIR, NOW, THEN LIFE IMPRISONMENT!

BIZARRO BILL CLINTON: ME AM SO HAPPY!

BUT EVEN LESS IMPORTANT IS STORY OF IMPERFECT JESSE CUSTER…US NOT CONTINUE WITH OUR DUMB TALE!

IN AN EXTRA-LUXURIOUS MOTEL SIX ROOM NEAR EL PASO…

BIZARRO JESSE: GOODBYE, TULIP!

BIZARRO TULIP: GOODBYE, JESSE! SINCE WE JUST WAKE UP, IT NOW TIME FOR BIG DINNER!

BIZARRO JESSE: MAKE EXTRA, DARLIN’! ME STILL FULL FROM LAST NIGHT BREAKFAST, SCRAMBLED EGGSHELLS AND ORANGE PEEL JUICE!

BIZARRO TULIP: ME AM LOVE YOU SO MUCH, JESSE!

BIZARRO JESSE: ME AM LOVE YOU ALSO SO MUCH! YOU IN MOOD TO NOT HAVE SEX?

BIZARRO TULIP: WITH YOU? ALWAYS!

BIZARRO JESSE: RECKON US SHOW OUR LOVE BY NOT HAVE SEX EVER!!!

BIZARRO TULIP: ME GETTING DRY JUST THINK ABOUT IT!

BIZARRO JESSE: ALSO, SAVE TIME FOR CONTINUE BIG BIZARRO JESSE QUEST TO HUNT GOD. HIM PRETTY SWELL FELLA!

BIZARRO TULIP: HIM RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL BIZARRO MISERY! THAT WHY WE LOVE HIM SO!

BIZARRO JESSE: RIGHT YOU AM! YOU KNOW, YOU UGLY AS TEXAS SUNSET!

BIZARRO TULIP: YOU MY WHOLE BIZARRO WORLD, JESSE. GOT TIME FOR ONE MORE NOT HAVE SEX?

BIZARRO JESSE: HEY! BIZARRO JESSE NOT MACHINE! SOMETIMES IT TAKE FIFTEEN MINUTE FOR IT GO DOWN!

BIZARRO TULIP: THAT OKAY. IT HAPPEN TO ALL BIZARRO AT SOME TIME. IT NOT YOU FAULT.

BIZARRO JESSE: I KNOW! IT TOTALLY YOU FAULT!

BIZARRO TULIP: BIZARRO JESSE SAY THE SWEETEST THING!

BIZARRO CASSIDY: GOODBYE! LIKE ALL BIZARRO, ME ENTER ROOM FIRST, KNOCK LATER, BE SURE TO GET GOOD LOOK AT YEH THAT WAY! KNOCK KNOCK!

BIZARRO JESSE: GOODBYE, CASSIDY! TULIP GOT NO CLOTHES ON! WELCOME! SINCE YOU BETRAY ME SO BAD, ME TRUST YOU TOTALLY!

BIZARRO CASSIDY: ME GLAD ME LET YEZ DOWN. ME CAN’T BEGIN TO SAY HOW NOT SORRY ME AM. ME REALLY DON’ DESERVE HATEFUL IDIOT PALS LIKE YEH BOTH!

BIZARRO JESSE: YOU ALSO NOT ABOMINATION, EVEN THOUGH YOU BIZARRO VAMPIRE, MAKE BIZARROS BITIN’ YOU NECK ALLA TIME!

BIZARRO TULIP: IT OKAY, CASSIDY! BECAUSE YOU AM IRISH, YOU WAS NOT DRUNK SO HAVE NO EXCUSE!

BIZARRO JESSE: HEY! LOOK WHO IT AM! WONDERFUL HATED ENEMY, HERR STARR! WHERE AM MY ASS-KICKIN’ BOOTS?

BIZARRO STARR: GOODBYE, IDIOTS! KNOCK, KNOCK! ME FINALLY FIND YOU, NOT RUTTING, JUST AS ME SUSPECTED!

BIZARRO JESSE: YOU AM NOT WORTH FART FROM BIZARRO DOG SKEETER’S ASS! GLAD SEE YOU!

BIZZARO SKEETER: Meow!

BIZARRO STARR: JESSE CUSTER, ME HATE YOU ALWAYS. SINCE ME MET YOU, BIZARRO STARR HAIR AM GROW BACK, BIZARRO CANNIBALS PUT BACK MISSING LEG, EYESIGHT IMPROVE AND PENIS GET MUCH LONGER!

BIZARRO TULIP: PENIS LONGER? THAT HORRIBLE!

BIZARRO STARR: ALSO, NOW ME ONLY LIKE HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONS IN MISSIONARY POSITION!

BIZARRO TULIP: **gasp!**

BIZARRO CASSIDY: S’HORRIBLE, MATE! ME AM OVERCOME WITH JOY AND HORROR!

BIZARRO STARR: NOW, ME AM SO ANGRY ME MUST SMOKE! BIZARRO FEATHERSTONE, HAVE SUPER-GENIUS HOOVER BRING CIGARETTES!

BIZARRO FEATHERSTONE AT ONCE, OH THRICE-CURSED IDIOT DOPE LEADER OF GRAIL!

BIZARRO TULIP: THAT RIGHT! ON BIZARRO PREACHER EARTH, ONLY BAD BIZARROS SMOKE, NEVER GOOD!

BIZARRO JESSE: THAT WHY IT AM BIZARRO! WE AM LIVE BY BIZARRO CODE:

BIZARRO PREACHER CODE

US DO OPPOSITE OF ALL EARTHLY THINGS!

US HATE BEAUTY!

US LOVE UGLINESS!

US TOTALLY NOT BELIEVE IN MYTHICAL, NEVER-WAS VERSION OF TEXAS!

US NOT HAVE JOHN WAYNE IN SHADOW! IT AM JOHN WAYNE FOR REAL!

US NEVER READ JOE LANDSDALE BOOK!

US NEVER MAKE SODOMY JOKE!

IS BIG CRIME TO MAKE ANYTHING PERFECT ON BIZARRO WORLD!

BIZARRO STARR: THAT RIGHT, PIG DROPPINGS PAL! AND BECAUSE ME HATE YOU SO MUCH, ME BRING YOU FLOWERS AND WISH YOU HAPPY LIFE! HELLO, DOUCHEBAG!

BIZARRO CASSIDY: OH, NO! ON BIZARRO WORLD, IT TERRIBLE INSULT TO GIVE FLOWERS!

BIZARRO JESSE: HEY STARR! TAKE BACK FLOWERS OR ME LOVE YOU FOREVER!

BIZARRO STARR: GO TO HEAVEN, CUSTER!

BIZARRO JESSE: ME SAID, TAKE BACK FLOWERS, GOD-BLESSED GENIUS!

BIZARRO STARR: OH, NO! YOU AM USE GENESIS GOD VOICE THING! THAT AM LAMEST POWER OF ALL! MAKE SO NO BIZARRO DO WHAT YOU SAY! OH, NO!

BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!

BIZARRO STARR: TULIP! YOU AM SHOOT HIM FOUR TIMES IN FACE!

BIZARRO TULIP: HE MAKE ME SAD, SO ME KILL HIM! HIM LOOK MUCH HANDSOMER!

BIZARRO STARR: BACK OF HEAD MISSING! SHIT! ME AM DEAD, HELLO! HELLO! Helllooooaaaaauuuugh!

BIZARRO JESSE: NOW OUR BEST PAL STARR IS DEAD FOR NO REASON. THAT AM HILARIOUS ENDING TO US ADVENTURES! HA HA HA!

BIZARRO CASSIDY: EFFIN’ RIGHT! HA HA HA HA!

BIZARRO TULIP: HA HA HA HA! HEY, LOOK! HANDSOME ARSEFACE ON MOTEL TV!

BIZARRO JESSE : TURN IT UP! ME HATE THIS SONG!

BIZARRO GOD: GOODBYE! GOODBYE!

ALL: GOODBYE, BIZARRO GOD!!!

* * * * *

NOTE FROM BIZARRO GARTH ENNIS:

HEY YOU STUPID IDIOT READERS! HOW YOU LIKE BRIT GUY TELL YOU WHAT AMERICA REALLY AM, HUH? BET YOU AM LOVE IT LOTS! SURE LOT OF TEXAS REAL DUMP WITH LOT OF CACTUS AND SNAKES, BUT ME AM SURE MANY FORMER SMALL-TOWN PREACHERS GOT LOT OF VAMPIRE BUDDIES AND HOT CHICK SHARPSHOOTERS! THIS REAL JOURNAL OF AMERICA HOPE AND DREAM! THANK FOR READING, NOW GO DROP DEAD!

SIGNED, BIZARRO GARTH ENNIS

NOT DRUNK IN PUB SOMEPLACE!




Special yabs thanks to Garth and Steve for putting out what may well be my all-time favorite comic series. Man, am I going to miss it each month.

     – Gail

Discuss this column on the You’ll All Be Sorry! Message Board.
Preacher and all related characters are ™ & © Ennis and Dillon. Published by DC Comics. All other characters are ™ & © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.

You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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