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[YABS Month: Week 4]


I love getting mail from Yabs readers.

Even when it’s not 100% positive, I dig it. I always think it’s cool that someone took the time to write in to a FAN COLUMN and speak their mind. I’ve gotten a few thousand letters since Yabs started, and some regulars write nearly every week, so they get used as a barometer to figure out how far from sanity I’ve gone each installment.

For a long time, I got the same mail from everyone. It stacked into three convenient categories.

1) “You made me puke/spew/pee/poop/snort/choke/vomit all in my pants/over my monitor/on my desk/over my cat.”

I got so many of these for a while, I just thought I was responsible for a large variety of disgusting stains. That’s a heavy burden. Some people are really inventive with the formula. One guy said, “I laughed so hard I threw up my dinner, which was pizza rolls.”

He probably thought it was more descriptive that way.

I like these letters. You can tell when someone is from one of the more intellectual forums, because they generally don’t use the word “puke.” They are, however, not afraid to tell me what shot out of their noses.

2) “You almost got me fired/kicked out of class.”

People want to blame me for everything. I have a big cyber-stack of these, too. As if it’s my fault people are reading Yabs at work! Really, it’s like blaming Columbia for getting fired because you used drugs at work. Damn you, Columbia! DAMN YOU!!!

3) “This reminded me of Sydney Mellon and his graphic novel THUNDERSKULL.”

I used to get this all the time.

4) “I have a copy of Spider-man #345. The cover is gone. How much is it worth?”

When I get letters like these, I always respond, “Spider-man #345!!?! Why, that’s worth a GILLION DOLLARS!”

Anyway, I’m dead serious. Even the spew letters make me laugh, because I know that means someone read a goofy fan column and laughed really hard. That’s a great compliment. But I’m not cleaning up after them. That’s just gross.

This is another early favorite, from before I knew how to use punctuation. I like it because, even though it’s pretty evil to giant crossovers and the Archie cast, there’s still some obvious affection there for both.

I mention the mail because after THIS one, I got a TON of email from closet Archie fans. HA! You’re lucky I’m not outing you people! ARCHIE FAN, ARCHIE FAN!

Love,

Gail

October is YABS month here at CBR! Each week we’ll be giving away a copy of Simpsons #50 which features the first published work of YABS author Gail Simone, signed by Gail herself! On the final week of YABS month we’ll give away a copy of Simpsons #50 signed by many of the contributors to this issue (names to be announced later).


To enter all you have to do is register with CBR. If you already have an account with CBR, then you’re already entered. Just make sure that your e-mail address on file is correct.

We’ll announce our winners shortly.

YABS Flashback: Week 4
[Archie - Riverdale: No Man's Land]

Archie – Riverdale: No Man’s Land

January 3rd, 2000

YABS Flashback: Week 3
[Aliens vs. Captain Carrot]

Aliens vs. Captain Carrot

March 20th, 2000

YABS Flashback: Week 2
[The Punisher Returns]

The Punisher Returns

February 28th, 2000

YABS Flashback: Week 1
[Teen Romance]

Teen Romance

February 14th, 2000

I realize that, to date, YABS has been used as a platform for humor and frivolity, but when Gail approached me about doing a guest column, I realized that I had a rare and unique opportunity here… An opportunity to address a large readership on matters of great importance. In fact, a larger readership than, probably, the entire sales volume of all my comics work to date put together. Would I waste such an opportunity on mere joking around? On lighthearted slapstick and cruel abuse of the cherished icons of our industry? Certainly not. I have instead decided that it is time to come forward with some startling revelations about the origins of some of those same cherished icons… revelations which I believe will SHOCK you to your very core. For lately, dear readers, I have been engaged in a great deal of historical research – motivated by such works as Scott McCloud’s Reinventing Comics – and I have delved back into the annals of literary tradition to look for common themes and patterns in the earliest days of Western Civilization and written entertainment.

Frankly, my friends, what I found in some of the dustier lore of the Gnostic Christians truly astounds me. Dare I say it was INCREDIBLE? Dare I say it was ASTONISHING? For hidden away in a set of little-known apocryphal works called, in some translations, The Marvelous Gospels, I saw patterns-of speech, of action, of character-which seemed almost eerily familiar… Below, I have included a relatively random sampling from The Marvelous Gospels, so that you can judge for yourself.

As a relative new-comer to this industry, I do not feel it is my place to cast aspersions. I do not believe I am in any position to question the creativity or motives of this industry’s great creators. But I feel that there is something here that must be looked into further. I can only hope that my own meager investigative work is taken up by others and that these ancient texts-some not seen in print since they were banned by the Nicaean Council Code Authority in 325 AD-might finally take their rightful place in the larger history of this art form that we all know and respect so much.

Dear readers, I give unto you…

CHAPTER SEVEN

1: Now it came to pass that Peter was walking in the streets of the marketplace when he did hear a cry of alarm from nearby.

2: And Peter was late for a very important meeting with Jonah, so he did think unto himself, Lo, someone needeth assistance. But Jonah hath also insisted upon this meeting. (1) Do not the trials of the Lord ever end for me?

3: And he was in the common garb of his daily life, as he was walking in the marketplace among men, and he was loathe to reveal to them the nature of his calling. So he did hastily step away from the marketplace, into a place of concealment.

4: There did he change into the chosen attire of his calling, that none might know him.

5: Thus garbed in the raiment of his office, he did begin to search for the sound of alarm. And he did search among the fish markets, and among the moneychangers, and among the craftsmen. And also in the many streets around the Temple did he search.

6: And also did he swing over many rooftops, searching for the cry of alarm. And he did see a place of Law, and its doors were thrown asunder and smoke did pour from inside it. And Peter did swing down to it.

7: Then did the spirit come over him, and he did tingle all over, and he became alarmed.

8: And lo, in that moment was he struck from behind. And great was the distance he was thrown by the blow.

9: And a voice did say unto him, Pass by, doer of good, for this matter concerns you not.

10: And it came to pass that there was much confusion upon Peter, and his head did reel and spin. But he did look up, and he did see a man garbed in armor.

11: And the man did have armor upon his body, and upon his legs, and upon his arms, and also upon his head. And also was there an armor plate upon his face. And there was a cloak of green about his shoulders, and also a tunic of green about his body. And Doom was his name. And his reasons for visiting destruction upon the place of Law were not known at this time. (2)

12: Thus it was that Peter did think unto himself, Lord, why dost thou visit these travails upon me? For this is not even mine enemy!

13: And Peter did also think, Perhaps I should do as this man exhorts, and pass by, that I may reach my meeting with Jonah on time. And also must I meet with Mary, my spouse, that I may lay with her. And many other things must I do this day.

(1) Spectacular, Ch 14, v 8, True Believers!

(2) Fantastic, Ch 3, v 5, Oh Ye Faithful!

CHAPTER EIGHT

1: But then did a vision appear unto Peter, and he did see the face of his uncle Ben. And the face did appear before him, and a voice spake unto Peter, and the voice did exhort Peter to hearken back to an earlier time.

2: And Peter did once again remember his origin, and his origin was thus:

3: It came to pass that when Peter was a youth, he did attend a fair of miracles. And it did come to pass that the Lord moved in mysterious ways, and did cause the spirit to visit itself upon a lowly spider.

4: And the spider did descend to Peter’s hand, and there did it bite him. And Peter did not think further upon it, but did go instead upon his way home.

5: Now as Peter did make his way home, it came to pass that a merchant’s cart did nearly strike him in the street. But the spirit came over Peter, and it did make him tingle, and he did leap many cubits to safety, and he did cling upon a wall.

6: And Peter thought unto himself, Lord, what hast thou set upon me? Behold, I have strength for my size, like unto that spider and its size. And verily do I have many abilities like unto that spider, in a size like unto my own.

7: Then did he pass by a place of men, where men did grapple one against another for money. And Peter thought unto himself, I should see what it is the spirit of the Lord hath delivered unto me. But his courage did waver, and he did hide his face behind a mask, that none might know him. Then he did go unto the place where men grapple, one against the other.

8: There did he challenge the mightiest among them, and they did grapple, and the power of the Lord was upon Peter, and he did defeat his enemy. And great was the wealth which he did receive.

9: Thus did Peter continue with his ability, and he did appear in many entertainments, and great were the rewards which he received for his abilities. And he did the use the blessing of the Lord for selfish and vain purpose.

10: But always did he appear masked, that none would know him.

11: And it came to pass that Peter was performing when there did come a cry and a shout. And a thief did push by him suddenly, and Peter raised not his hand to stop him.

12: And the guards did ask Peter, Why hast thou not raised a hand to stop the thief? And Peter did answer, saying, The actions of a thief are not my actions, and the concerns of a thief are not my concerns.

13: But it came to pass that he did return to his home that evening, and his aunt was wrought with grief. And Peter did ask, Aunt, why grievest thou?

14: And his Aunt did answer him, saying, Thy uncle Ben is slain, and the man who did slay him hides now in a house of wares.

15: Thus did Peter swear revenge for his uncle, and he did place his mask upon his face, that none would know him, and he did take with him the many tools of his calling, and he did swing to the house of wares. And there he did find the thief, and caught him, yea, even as a spider would catch a fly.

16: But then he did look upon the face of his uncle’s slayer, and there did he see the thief that had pushed by him earlier.

17: And the voice of the Lord was upon him, saying, With great power cometh great responsibility.

18: And then did Peter resolve to forever heed the Lord. And he did resolve to wisely use the abilities which the Lord had given him. This he did swear.

19: All these things did the face of uncle Ben show unto him in a vision.

CHAPTER NINE

1: And Peter did remember his promise unto the Lord, and he did resolve to pass not by, as the man in the armor, whose name was Doom, had exhorted him.

2: Thus did he stand. And he did shoot webbing at his enemy, that his enemy would be bound. But the man in armor, whose name was Doom, felt not the webbing, and he did sweep it aside.

3: And he did deliver unto Peter a mighty blast of light, and of heat, and of concussive force. And it was only by the power of the Lord, and the spirit which did warn him, and did make him tingle, that Peter did avoid the blast.

4: And Peter became concerned, and he did think, Lord, why do these trials come upon me? Am I to suffer like unto Job? And he did think, If I am to triumph in this adversity, I must needs use my wit as well as my faith in these abilities which the Lord that given me.

5: But the one called Doom did press his attack, and many more blasts of light, and of heat, and of concussive force did he send against Peter. And Peter was buffeted like unto a boat in a storm.

6: And just as Peter did think death was upon him, he did hear a voice cry unto him.

7: And the voice did cry out, Peter, it is Matthew. I come unto you to render help. And Peter did look up and he did see Matthew upon the rooftop.

8: Now Matthew was a man without fear. And though blindness was upon him, Matthew had been blessed of the Lord, and his other senses were without measure. And great was his ability to touch, and to smell, and to hear, and to taste. And the spirit was likewise upon him, and did show him many things, like unto sight, even though he were blind.

9: And then did Peter think back upon the first time he met Matthew, and how they did first fight each other through misunderstanding, but did later join together as allies, like unto one, because the Lord Thy God Hath Demanded It! (1)

10: But the fullness of these events may not be revealed at the present time. And all who would know of these things would do well to be faithful, yea even so must they show faith, and mercy, and also must they fast and pray for thirty days and thirty nights.

11: And after thirty days and thirty nights have passed must they return for a parable which we calleth, “Swinging with the Devil”, to be written upon the pages of this very scroll. Until then, oh ye faithful, go ye forth and sin not!

(1) In the classic Spectacular, Ch 4, v 1

All work contained herein has been commissioned by God for use as a contribution to a collective Gospel and, as such, constitutes work for hire as that term is defined under the Law of Leviticus. The prophet acknowledges that (s)he willingly enters into this covenant, and that for all for all intents and purposes in both heaven and earth, God is the sole author of this work, now and forever after. Amen.




A HUGE Yabs thanks to one of my favorite writers, Dan Curtis Johnson, for pitching in and writing this week’s installment. Buy everything he writes!

     – So speaketh Gail, Agent of the D.E.O.

Discuss this column on the You’ll All Be Sorry! Message Board.
All characters are ™ & © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.

You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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