FICTIONAL COMIC TO MOVE TO IMAGE CENTRAL
–Popular Non-Comic Finds New Home–
ORANGE, CA– Image Comics, Inc, and Joe Madureira have jointly announced that one of the most successful hypothetical comics of the decade, BATTLE CHASERS, will be moving to Image Central, starting with the proposed-but-unlikely issue nine.
Image Publisher Jim Valentino had this to say– “We at Image are committed to publishing the very best in comics, and Battle Chasers is one of the best, most-imitated, imaginary books on the market today. To say we’re excited is definitely an understatement! Every day we run to the door to check for deliveries, and when no new pages come in the mail, the whole office gathers round and imagines what it would be like to ‘oooh!’ and ‘ahhh!’ when we see the gorgeous work of Joe Madureira. We’re just proud to be part of the whole non-phenomenon. Honestly, the new issue would be mind-blowing, were it not purely speculative.”
Joe Madureira, taking a brief ten-week coffee break from the back-breaking grind of not writing issue nine, added, “It’s simple. BATTLE CHASERS is, without question, the most mind-numbingly, ass-blistering never-will-be comic not on the stands today, and IMAGE CENTRAL is the only place I know that could effectively market it to today’s audience, should there actually be one, figuratively.
“I want to make it very clear,” he added, “that in no way should my moving future issues of BATTLE CHASERS to Image be seen as an indictment of Wildstorm or DC, who didn’t publish my previous non-existing issues. They’ve been wonderful to me, and have asked for virtually no changes to the scripts I didn’t complete. However, all last year, we were only able to squeak out zero issues of BATTLE CHASERS. With Image Central, I plan to double that! BATTLE CHASERS: There’s no not stopping us now!”
12 WOMEN FOUND STUFFED IN DAVE SIM’S BASEMENT
–“I Don’t Think He Did It,” Says Fan In Denial.–
ONTARIO, CANADA–The burgeoning community of Kitchener was shocked over the weekend when neighbors complaining of an “odor of decay” led police investigators to the home of noted comic book writer/artist, Dave Sim. An ensuing search of the premises led to the gruesome discovery of the remains of a dozen women, all of whom had been reported missing over the past decade.
The closely-knit comic book fan community expressed shock and dismay at the turn of events. Charles Baronsky, owner of nearby comics store The Elfin Glade, had this to say, “He’s having us on. It’s a joke. If you read Cerebus, you’ll see Dave Sim writes the best females in comics. I think he’s sitting there laughing at us. Jaka, Astoria–these are great characters! I bet that, IF he killed those women and stuffed them in sacks, it’s a gag, is what it is.”
Carrie Lupus, a self-described ‘Sim Junkie,’ added a similar statement. “Well, sure, there may be some women stuffed into those big green plastic lawn bags and thrown in a hole in the basement of his house with lime poured on them, but that doesn’t make him a misogynist! Don’t you get it–that’s part of Sim’s genius! He’s not REALLY a woman-hater. He just likes to stir up shit, see? I mean, look at Cerebus–he’s just ADORABLE! Cute li’l earth pig!”
Dave Sim himself made this statement to the police, “When the Male (light) is confronted by the female (void) then the culture of death loses to the culture of birth and its feminine fascism and feeling is the enemy of thought and once this girl editor got mad at me for smoking in the No Smoking section and this one time a girl turned me down for a date and women are the impediment to achievement and if you accidentally see a fireman who hasn’t had his soul stolen away by the Female Void then tell him to run, run, run from the Ovarian Apocalypse and estrogen is like kryptonite to the Male (light) Soul and wasn’t it Oscar Wilde who said women (void) are “icky?”
“Also, you should self-publish,” he added, from behind a bullet-proof glass partition.
MESSAGE BOARD POSTER DOESN’T KNOW HE’S STUPID
–Poster Writes Lengthy, Poorly-Worded Rant, Feels Vindicated–
THE INTERNET– In a turn of events that surprised no one today, a poster on a popular message board revealed himself once again to be a brain-dead moron, and yet, strangely, remains unaware of his near-idiot level intellect.
“There you people all go again,” posted the doofus. “Posting without knowing the facts. Well, allow me to set you straight on a few things. First, comics did NOT start in the thirties, but in fact, some time right around when I first bought X-Men, if I’m not mistaken. Also, the Outsiders was clearly the best team book DC ever did. I don’t know who this ‘Legion’ is that you keep talking about, but Geo-Force RULES, man, and Halo was HOT.”
The board’s other posters were puzzled by the little jerk’s behavior. One said, “Buddy, I don’t know how to respond to this. It’s like you’re proud of how little you know about the subject you’re discussing.”
To which the imbicile responded testily, “You’re just pissed because you lost the argument. Score one for me, and maybe you shouldn’t post in here when I’m around, or I might have to put baby back in the corner.”
When other posters gave up on the thread and quit responding, the semi-sapient idiot was seen to be smiling in self-satisfaction at having won an argument no one else knew was going on. “I guess we can see who won THAT battle, eh? Yessir, I think we can say that’s a win for the good guys, meaning me. Wonder if Farscape is a rerun this week…,” said the self-deluded freak, unaware of his loserhood.
TOP COW TO EXPAND LINE OF VIDEO GAME COMIC ADAPTATIONS
— “It’s A Natural,” Says Image Founder Marc Silvestri–
IMAGE– Enjoying a wave of cross-cultural popularity and critical acclaim, Top Cow’s TOMB RAIDER comics have boasted the talents of such superstar creators as Dan Jurgens, Andy Park and Adam Hughes, and have sold in significant numbers in traditionally non-comics venues such as record stores and video game outlets.
Now, hoping to further extend that rare critical and financial success in a down market, Top Cow has announced its first addition to its new HIDEO VIDEO imprint. And we here at Buzzline have the exclusive!
Marc Silvestri, Top Cow head man, said in a recent Buzzline interview, “TETRIS is the natural progression–the spellbinding story of a green “L” shape, trying to find his identity in a maddening Russian landscape…his lifespan is measured in seconds, as unseen hands attempt to force him to fit into a terrifyingly bleak landscape, and if he can’t avoid falling through the gap, he will disappear entirely, as though he’d never existed, only to be replaced by his exact duplicate!!”
Silvestri continued, “What? You say that idea sucks? Well, how about this? SOLITAIRE. Yes, SOLITAIRE: The gripping story of four warring monarchies, forced to work together in a desperate struggle to …what? That sucks, too? Well, what about MINESWEEPER? Everyone’s got MINESWEEPER, right? MINESWEEPER: For the first time, we get INSIDE the mind of a bomb who questions his raison d’etre–to DESTROY ALL WHO TOUCH HIM. No? What if one of the bombs had shiny boobies? Goddamn it. How about PINBALL: The story of a man forced to…uh…hit flippers and junk…crap. And he’s pushed around til he just…goes down a hole, I guess. Yeah, that’s it. Look for the Witchblade/Pinball crossover in May, I suppose.”
COMICS COLUMNIST FORGETS TO MAKE BACK-UP COPIES OF WORK
–“I’m A Complete Idiot,” Claims Gail Simone–
CBR– In what can only be called an act of sheer, gargantuan, monumental stupidity, famed “humorist” Gail Simone convinced herself that she “didn’t need to make back-up copies right now” with the insanely brain-dead excuse being, “Hey! I think Seinfeld might be on! And it’s the ‘Festivus’ episode!”
“Those two dozen pages of completed comic strips will be just fine,” she added. “Not to mention those two proposals for DC I’ve been working my ass off on! Yep, I can pretty much go watch tv in the certainty that those pages are safe as houses, despite the continued warnings of friends, colleagues, and my computer’s manufacturer! No need to rush making back-up copies, no WAY, Jose!”
As if adding insult to injury, pre-hard-drive-crash, Gail added, “Boy, those people who back everything up on disks are just paranoid. I’ve had computers for years and I’ve never lost any data! So, why waste the thirty seconds it might take to reach up on my shelf and get a diskette? I can spend those valuable seconds arguing with some guy I’ve never met about how Thor could beat Superman, or I could look up some porn!”
When the inevitable hard drive crash left her computer irredeemably damaged and her data irretrievable, Simone was heard to say, “F***!”
KEVIN SMITH DECLARES ‘FEUD TO THE DEATH’ WITH McDONALDS’ CASHIER
— “That Bert Guy…Man, Is He Gonna Get It,” Declares Acclaimed Film Director–
VIEW ASKEW– Noted director/writer/actor Kevin (Mallrats) Smith has declared a “double-secret war of hate” against a cashier on the night shift at a McDonalds restaurant close to his home. The life-long pact of blood and vengeance is apparently a completely one-sided affair, as McDonalds employee Bert Rasmussen seemingly has no idea who Kevin (Dogma, Chasing Amy) Smith is.
“Oh, man, I hate that guy. ‘Dirty’ Bert. Little fast food creep thinks he can tell ME to make up my mind, man,” said Smith, from behind the counter at his successful comics store.
Jason Mewes, who played “Jay” in several of Smith’s films, countered, “Man, you oughtta kick his ass. Go down there and kick some fry-sellin’, nametag-wearin’ ass, you big pussy.”
But Smith demurred, stating, “No man, nothing physical. We oughtta call his manager and say he yakked in the secret sauce. Or call the cops and say he’s dealin’. Or we could egg his house–follow him home one night and WHAM, egg his motherf***in’ house. Yeah, that’s the revenge for ‘Dirty’ Bert, absolutely. Silent, deadly attacks in the night. It’s what my enemies deserve.”
“Pussy,” argued Mewes, who pretended to perform oral sex on a statue of the Green Goblin, then threw up and passed out, although he hadn’t been drinking.
MANY MARVEL COMICS NOW EXCELLENT
—Usenet Declares Day Of Mourning—
THE INTERNET– The continuing upward spiral in quality of Marvel product has left a wake of devastation in the hearts and minds of Usenet posters.
“Grant Morrison and Mark Millar and Joe Casey on X-Men? I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I just heard Garth Ennis is doing more Punisher, dammit. They’re doing this on purpose, I know it,” posted one long-time Marvel detractor.
On a thread titled, “The STAPLES Still Suck, BAD!”, another poster said, “These staples–they’re the worst. They…oh, shit. What am I saying. I mean, Brian Bendis and J. Michael Staczynski on Spider-Man? Jesus. What will I have to TALK about if Marvel doesn’t suck?”
Another thread, titled, “I Hate Myself,” found a poster saying this, “Kevin Nowlan, Joey Quesada, David Mack, Paul Jenkins, Jimmy Palmiotti, Dan Jurgens, Steve Englehart, both Kuberts, Brian Wood…it’s like no one at Marvel even CARES about sucking any more!! It’s all ‘Quality, Quality, Quality,’ now! Why won’t they think about the FANS?!?”