MARK WAID’S BRAIN MISSING, FEARED DEAD
— Mighty Trivia Databank/Organ Spotted Along Eastern Seaboard, Say Authorities —
FLORIDA– The powerful, possibly alien storehouse of comics knowledge that also served as the central processing organ of popular comics writer Mark (EMPIRE, JUSTICE LEAGUE) Waid is missing, say authorities. Details are still sketchy at this time, but local and state police warn against optimism in such cases. State Trooper Bill Ford said at a Tampa press conference Monday morning, “I don’t want anyone to give up hope, but the odds of us finding Mr. Waid’s brain are long. We simply don’t have the resources. There’s a very good chance that we’ll see continuity errors in Mr. Waid’s very next issues. ”
But how did such a respected and well-cared-for brain simply disappear? Friends are baffled. “It was here just a minute ago,” said long-time friend of Waid’s, Tom (HOURMAN, QUICKSILVER) Peyer. “I remember asking him Sinestro’s space sector, and bam, he had it immediately. Then, a little later, I asked him who was the first person to encourage Green Arrow to shoot a bow, and he just got this blank look.
Police haven’t yet ruled out the possibility of foul play. Trooper Ford responded to the possibility that the former CAPTAIN AMERICA scribe’s mind had been pilfered, “I don’t want to point any fingers, but if Dan Curtis Johnson suddenly starts referring to Kulan Dar, the tiny alien that was the first super-powered villain to fight the Silver Age Atom, then we’re going to be taking a hard look at him, indeed.”
The missing noodle has spawned a rash of sightings up and down the Eastern seaboard, causing some to speculate that the brain may be lost and confused, and trying to return to its ‘home.’ “So far, none of the sightings have panned out,” adds Trooper Ford. “However, we are warning local civilians with a few safeguards. If you see the brain, DO NOT TOUCH IT! It’s more afraid of you than you are of it. Also, no matter how many comics you’ve read, DO NOT ENGAGE THE BRAIN IN ANY SORT OF TRIVIA COMPETITION. YOU ASK IT SUPERMAN’S PHONE NUMBER AT YOUR OWN PERIL.”
Mark Waid himself had this to say. “It are nonsense. Brain still VERY GOOD IS. LOOK! Plot for JLR, popular book starring Superman, who, I add, is from planet KRYPTO! And Wonder Wolverine is a mammary prince! This issue, they fight Batman, little knowing he is Bruce Lee! Don’t worry about Waid!”
NEW GARTH ENNIS SERIES TO FEATURE SODOMY, CHARACTERS
— Fans Plan “Countdown To Buggery 2001” Party —
THE INTERNET— Fan reaction was universally positive today at the news that much-lauded Brit scribe Garth (PREACHER, PUNISHER) Ennis would be once again showing hillbillies forcing deformed men to commit sodomy in his greatly-anticipated next project.
“It’s a glorious day,” rejoiced suspected cyber-transvestite TULIP69 at the DC/Vertigo message boards. “Not only do we get a new series from my favorite author, but we get to see rednecks and people missing limbs in forced sodomy. Somebody pinch me! ”
Noted net reviewer Steven DePrie added, “No one does Ennis like Ennis. His understanding of plot, character and subtext are unrivaled among today’s new crop of writers. This new book is for mature audiences, right? And you say it’s got sodomy? HOT DIGGETY!”
We caught up with the ultra-busy Ennis in this BUZZLINE EXCLUSIVE phone interview:
BUZZLINE: Hello, Mr. Ennis! Thank you for taking our call!
ENNIS: It’s my pleasure.
BUZZLINE: Okay, we’ll get right to it. What’s your new series about?
ENNIS: Well, this one bloke, right, he’s wearin’ overalls and he’s got like, crazy eyes, like he’s all inbred, and he don’t have any front teeth at all, right? And he SMELLS. He’s like, hideous to look at. I don’t have names for these people yet. But he’s ass-ugly.
BUZZLINE: Right, right, sounds very rich and complex so far…
ENNIS: Yeah! And this other guy, he’s like a real snob, only, he’s got a hook for a hand and has to pee out of a bag, right? And he gets chained up and the first guy oh oh OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!
BUZZLINE: Sounds great! What’s the name of this book, Garth?
BUZZLINE: …And who’s publishing it?
BUZZLINE: You sound like Xena when you do that!
Ennis’ new, as-yet-untitled series will appear eventually from some sort of comics company, assumedly, at a price not-yet determined.
NEW COMIC MOVIE TO THROW PATHETIC IN-JOKE CRUMB TO COMIC FANS
— Thousands Of Fans Expected To Nudge Each Other In Theaters —
HOLLYWOOD — Announcement of the new movie based on the semi-successful Marvel character IRON FIST has once again set comics fandom abuzz, yet not without some trepidation. That is, until a “behind the scenes” memo was “accidentally” released to a popular comics website.
“The announcement that a tall black guy with a yellow shirt would be doing a walk-on in this film has changed EVERYTHING for me,” posted FF4EVER, a long-time Marvel Comics afficianado. “I mean, it’s a black guy with a yellow shirt! Is it Luke Cage? Well, let me ask you this–how many black guys just HAPPEN to be wearing a yellow shirt? Of course it’s Luke Cage! This has totally convinced me that THIS comic book adaptation is made, not by cold Hollywood ‘suits’, but by fun-loving people who really love the medium.”
Other posters immediately agreed, such as WAKANDAKING, who added, “Oh, I couldn’t agree more. Remember when, at the beginning of Batman and Robin, Batman says, ‘This is why Superman works alone?’ It made me TOTALLY forget that Robin was a creep and Batman had a Batman credit card. Boy, I knew I was in good hands then!”
FF4EVER then continued, “Oh, yeah! And what about, in X-Men, when Cyclops says that thing about yellow spandex, completely destroying the entire movie’s sense of reality for the sake of a flimsy and awkward throwaway gag designed to placate and pacify a projected hostile fan community? That totally rocked! I myself was completely mollified, which is exactly what I look for in the cinematic experience. It had me laughing so hard I forgot that Halle Berry was really, really awful. When a large media conglomerate is willing to have two seconds of a multi-million dollar film devoted to a wholly-inappropriate moment designed to cynically minimize the internet rantings of hardcore continuity buffs, then you know they really respect us.”
JOEY QUESADA ARRESTED IN McFARLANE STALKING CASE
— New Marvel E-I-C Found Hanging Naked From Streetlight Shouting, “Spawn/Spider-man, mutha******!” —
NEW YORK CITY — A harmless internet-issued challenge took a turn towards the bizarre Sunday, with an hour-long police standoff culminating in the arrest of the new Editor-in-Chief of Marvel Comics, Joey Quesada.
Long-time friend and former Event partner Jimmy Palmiotti had this to say to reporters at the scene. “We all thought it was innocuous at first–Joey challenging Todd to return to drawing with a series of increasingly extravagant behavior…then things started getting ugly.”
Friends, who wished to remain anonymous, said they first suspected trouble when they discovered a ‘shrine’ devoted to Todd McFarlane in Quesada’s bathroom. “It was weird, man. He had like, a hockey stick and a Spawn video on the bigscreen and a bunch of Barbie dolls with little paper cut-outs of Todd’s face taped on their heads. And I don’t mean Ken dolls–I’m talking Barbie and Skipper. Ugly scene, man.”
Joey Quesada responded from the police holding facility, “Booga booga booga boo! La la la la! Todd Todd Todd, I love Todd! I challenge Todd to draw Spider-man again! I challenge Todd and the Beatles to get back together! I challenge Todd to deliver my pizza in thirty minutes or less! I challenge Todd to a boxing match where we’re both wearing scuba gear! I challenge Todd Todd Todd!! McFarlane or bust! Hahahaha! Hey, is it naptime?”
NOTED COMICS ‘HUMORIST’ ATTEMPTS WATCHMEN PARODY WITHOUT ACTUAL COPY OF COLLECTED ADDITION HANDY
— CBR Columnist Scratches Head Over Ridiculous Plan, Vows TPB Purchase —
THE INTERNET — “I’ve purchased the collected Watchmen like four times already, and I couldn’t find a friggin’ copy of it. So I did last week’s column from memory and net research. I think I must be dumber than Dan Quayle,” said Gail Simone, author of the weekly comics spoof, YOU’LL ALL BE SORRY.
“I mean, normally I can fake it, you know? But Watchmen? How was I to remember the dates people died, and when Nite-Owl knew Rorschach’s secret id, and that the title of each chapter is supposed to be referred to in full in the last panel? Nice thinking, Gail. Thank God Lea Hernandez did that great drawing for it. From now on, I’m making fun of things I have. Next week’s column is about half-eaten tin of cinnamon Altoids.”
INTERNET FAN ‘REALLY ENJOYS’ BEING CURSED AT BY FAVORITE CREATOR
— “It Makes Me Feel Included,” Says Comics Fan —
THE INTERNET –Lifelong comics fan Dennis Vick yesterday admitted that he enjoyed the constant cursing and name-calling of fans by his favorite creator, insisting despite a lack of supporting evidence that, “It’s all in good fun.”
Dennis continued, “I grew up with this person’s comics, back when they exclusively worked for either Marvel or DC doing a popular team book featuring super-powered teenagers with realistic problems. So, it makes me feel grown-up and stuff when my favorite creator ends his or her posts with jaunty greetings like ‘Go to Hell, bastards.’ It’s obvious that he or she is just saying it in a friendly way, really. And here, where he or she calls us all ‘retards,’ well, that just makes me smile because I know he or she doesn’t mean me, he or she means those OTHER people who post at his or her unofficial message board all the time. THOSE people really are retarded, and it makes me feel closer to him or her to hear him speak to them (and clearly not me) in such a derogatory fashion. It’s the variety and juxtaposition of inflammatory insults mixed with pitches to buy his or her new products that I find so habit-forming. It’s like being part of an exclusive club where someone I really admire mocks me, my taste and my very perception.
“Look! He or she just told us all that we’re all idiots! Am I glowing? Do I look taller?”
ROB LIEFELD UNDERGOES YET ANOTHER STARTLING TRANSFORMATION
— Becomes Half-Man, Half-Lizard-like Creature —
AWESOME COMICS — Controversial publisher/artist Rob (X-Force, Youngblood) Liefeld has been many things in his career: A hot young artist, a commercial spokesman, a founding member of Image Comics, and finally a bitter recluse. However, no one was prepared for his latest Kafka-esque role; that of a chitin-covered were-lizard.
“If Awesome Comics, and by extension, me, want to survive this market turmoil, ssssssssssss, we can’t do it by hanging onto the anitquated ssssssssssssss lup! lup! homo sapiens model, which is clearly on the way out in terms of evolution, lup lup ssssssssssssssssssss! Let OTHERS remain upright and bipedal. We here at Awesome have never backed down from a challenge. Let me eat the mites off of your flesh. Please. Please let me eat the mites.”
The creator of Deadpool then used his three-foot long prehensile tongue to groom his multi-hued exo-skeleton momentarily. “Also, I can now reveal ssssssssssssssss lup lup with absolute certainty ssssssssss that we’re only weeks away from announcing the release of a Supreme movie. I’m not kidding this time. Honest. Cross my lup lup sssssssssssssss!”