SCHUMACHER: Hello! I’m Joel Schumacher, director of Batman and Robin…
CLOONEY: …And I’m George Clooney, I played Batman in the film.
O’DONNELL: And I’m Chris O’Donnell, the BoyWonder.
GOLDSMAN: And I’m Akiva Goldsman, the screenwriter. I also wrote Lost In Space, and Deep Blue Sea.
SCHUMACHER: First of all, I’d like to thank you, the viewers, for your purchase of the special edition of our movie. And then I’d like to ask you, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU WHEN IT CAME OUT IN THEATERS?
O’DONNELL: Ha ha!
SCHUMACHER: Okay, now, see here at the beginning…this is really an exciting shot.
O’DONNELL: You mean where the thing…
SCHUMACHER: Right, where the thing…the bat-thing, the bat symbol or whatever…look here, see how there’s snow all over it?
O’DONNELL: Oh, hey, yeah! What were you going for, there, Joel?
SCHUMACHER: Well, see, Arnold’s character is called Mr. Freeze, and…
O’DONNELL: Oh, right! He’s COLD!
SCHUMACHER: Right, right, exactly. He’s cold. This is just the first of many sub-textual devices I put in the movie.
CLOONEY: Now, these asses, these aren’t our asses, are they, Joel?
SCHUMACHER: No, no, good eye, George. Those are stunt asses. It’s a bit of Hollywood magic here, because I started with the shots of you and Chris in London, and then I shot the shots of those bat-suited asses at my house, in the basement.
O’DONNELL: You can’t even tell!
SCHUMACHER: Yeah, yeah, It really is seamless. George, I think you had a funny story about this scene, when you…
CLOONEY: …When I saw this scene in the dailies, absolutely. Yes.
SCHUMACHER: What was it you said? That you could almost…I can’t remember. What did you say again?
CLOONEY: Well, we were watching the dailies, and you had this scene at the beginning, of us putting on our batsuits…it was originally much longer, if I recall…
SCHUMACHER: Oh, yes, the ass scene originally took almost forty minutes.
CLOONEY: …And I just sort of buried my face in my hands and started weeping…
O’DONNELL: I don’t remember this. Where was I?
CLOONEY: I think you were jumping up and down in the aisle, saying it was the best movie ever, or playing hacky-sack, or something. Anyway, I said, “I can almost hear the sound of my integrity as it slowly seeps into the dirt, along with my hopes and dreams of being taken seriously as an actor.”
SCHUMACHER: Ha ha! That’s a great story. Hey, this “This is why Superman works alone…” line never fails to get a HUGE laugh, at my house, when I show this movie and cry quietly to myself.
GOLDSMAN: I love that line. It’s not the original line, you know. Originally, Batman was going to say, “I’m getting too old for this shit.” But I like this Superman line much better.
SCHUMACHER: It’s timeless.
GOLDSMAN: Thank you, Joel. This bit coming up here is one of my favorite scenes, I must say.
SCHUMACHER: Oh, yes, the scene with the hockey punks and a giant ice cyborg fighting over a twelve-pound block of plastic and Batman surfing down a dinosaur’s back. Oddly, this scene sounded really stupid in the script.
GOLDSMAN: I like to think that my scripts make the stupid seem plausible. That’s my thing. Now, right here, Batman was going to say, “I’m getting too old for this shit,” which would have gotten a big laugh, or at least it always has, in the Lethal Weapon series, and other similar films that I’ve seen MANY times.
SCHUMACHER: I deliberately filmed this scene in a way that made it incomprehensible. I think it’s more fun for the audience to sort of have to guess at what’s going on.. Great, great scene. I don’t know what everyone was whining about–this is one great movie!
CLOONEY: Isn’t that funny how our perceptions can differ? I mean, when I saw this scene, I got this terrible feeling in my stomach that didn’t go away for a year.
SCHUMACHER: Huh. Oh, look. Again, very interesting symbolism here, because the villain is Mr. Freeze, so I had the stage covered in clear plastic, which is supposed to look like ice.
O’DONNELL: That’s supposed to be ice? I totally missed that! Next Batman movie I make, I’m READING the script!
CLOONEY: Ha ha! Oh, yeah, Warner’s has you on Speed-dial, Chris. Wait by that phone!
SCHUMACHER: The “cold” theme changes the way you look at the movie, doesn’t it? I’m a strong believer in what I call the underscript. Or undermovie. Something under. Anyway, that stuntman got a really bad rash from the plastic, I remember from the trial.
O’DONNELL: Oh, man, I LOVE this bit that’s coming up!
SCHUMACHER: Yes, yes, here…it…COMES!
O’DONNELL: BEAUTIFUL! Oh, MAN! I LOVE that!
SCHUMACHER: It’s great, isn’t it? I mean, why WOULDN’T Batman and Robin have ice skates that spring release from their boots when a hidden button in the heel is pressed? I mean, Gotham gets cold, right?
GOLDSMAN: It’s this sort of thing that makes movies cool. Hey, did you see that goddamn space monkey I put in Lost In Space?
O’DONNELL: ONLY ABOUT EIGHTY TIMES! I love that movie. It just gets better and better and better.
SCHUMACHER: Chris is right, that’s a great movie. Now, coming up here is a scene I really love. I was trying to think, “What could I have Batman and Robin do that would capture the thrills of a real comic book?” So I had them jump out of a mile-high exploding rocket thing and use the doors to skysurf til they landed in a big frozen furnace thing, where Mr. Freeze spewed ice…
O’DONNELL: What? That was supposed to be ice, too?
SCHUMACHER: …All over Robin, who is then revived by Batman with a heater thingie from his bat-belt or whatever.
O’DONNELL: That’s what’s so great about this movie, Joel. You just kept topping yourself. I mean, you started with the hilarious “Chicks dig the car” joke…
GOLDSMAN: Which was a SMASH in the first movie…
O’DONNELL: …And then you have the ass scene, and THEN you have the frozen dinosaur hockey match, and THEN you have the door surfing…I mean, it’s like a roller coaster ride. Why kids and adults stayed away from this movie like the plague I have no idea.
SCHUMACHER: You’re right about one thing, Chris. Kids hated this movie.
GOLDSMAN: Adults, too! Don’t forget adults!
SCHUMACHER: My own mother wouldn’t talk to me for two years!
GOLDSMAN: My nephew came to my house and kicked the shit out of me! haha!
O’DONNELL: My agent changed her number! Hahahaha!
SCHUMACHER: My agent changed his name! Hahahahaha! Hey, you hated this movie as much as the general population, didn’t you, George?
CLOONEY: Mmmm? Oh, yes. I donated my salary to the homeless because it made me physically sick to think I’d profited from it. I couldn’t eat, and I didn’t get out of bed for three weeks. It was still better than ONE FINE DAY, though.
SCHUMACHER: Hahaha! That’s another great story. Hey, remember how Arnold kept talking about his “motivation” and how he was “creating a character?” Haha!
O’DONNELL: Ha ha! I remember that! My God, I thought he was kidding at first!
CLOONEY: I remember when we finished that first scene, how I went home that night…
SCHUMACHER: Right, right…with the cutting. That was a real make-up problem, George. Naughty naughty.
CLOONEY: I just couldn’t stop myself. I took some kitchen shears and I just kept sawing back and forth all over my arms. The last day of that shot, I had to go to the hospital from blood loss…
O’DONNELL: Oh, yeah! I remember that day! Catering had stone crab enchiladas! Hey, Joel, you took a lot of heat for casting Alicia Silverstone, remember?
SCHUMACHER: Absolutely. But you know, I felt she had a certain…
GOLDSMAN: …Lack of taste and discernment?
O’DONNELL: …Vacant quality?
CLOONEY:… Fleeting popularity?
O’DONNELL: …Sweater-filling volume?
CLOONEY: …Inability to deliver even this tepid material?
SCHUMACHER: Oh, all that and more. She was a real trooper. Ooooh! Coming up is that great bit where Uma Thurman turns into a plant or some such! We wrote this on the spot, can you believe it?
CLOONEY: Hey, can I borrow your pocket knife, Chris?
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You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.
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