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PROLOGUE

Two houses, both alike in continuity

In fair crossover, where we lay our scene,

From battles which do end in ambiguity,

Where fannish votes make plot unclean.

From forth the comic loins of the two worlds,

A pair of star-cross’d lovers would be sway’d

Amongst the misadventur’d piteous overthrows

Such as Storm, who did leave fair Diana splay’d

The fearful passage of their wound-mark’d love

And the continuance of their mentor’s rage,

Which but their lawyers’ end naught could remove,

But mainly I’m just pissed about Wonder Woman.

I mean, STORM beats WONDER WOMAN?

My ASS.

YOUNG JUSTICE HEADQUARTERS

ROBIN: This love feel I, that feel no love in this. Dost thou not laugh?

SUPERBOY: Hmmmmmm….no, not really. Actually, I feel kinda bad, Birdboy.

ROBIN: Good heart, at what?

IMPULSE: Wefeelbadbecauseyoufeelbad! That’swhy, that’swhy, that’s whyyyyyyyy!

ROBIN: Why, such is love’s transgression.

Love is a smoke rais’d with the fume of sighs;

Being purg’d, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes

In sadness, my friend, I do love a woman.

IMPULSE: Hewantsthatfireworksgirl!

SUPERBOY: Slow DOWN, I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

IMPULSE: He’s. In. Love. With. That. Marvel. Chick! The one with the yellow jacket…Juniper! Julius? Jugoslavia? Judaica?

SUPERBOY: Wait…Rob, seriously now. Is it JUBILEE you’re in love with? Man, you KNOW the rule about crossing over without permission. Everyone knows the rule– “No crossovers without a pointless battle.” It’s…it’s not up to us, Rob. It’s the way things are. For ALL of us. There are, like, tons of hot babes in Gotham City–Tell me you’re not going to risk your life for some mutie chick from the wrong universe…

IMPULSE: Yeah, yeah, don’t forget they almost killed our whole world, too!

SUPERBOY: Hey, that was NOT MY FAULT.

IMPULSE: Hee. You got beat by a bug man. And not even the REAL bug man. Bug man clone, bug man clone, leave the poor Superdoof alone! Hahahahahahahaha. I’m hungry. I’m going to China to get some eggrolls. Okay, I’m back. *munch munch munch… *

SUPERBOY: I mean it, Rob…. The penalty for unauthorized crossovers is death. You know that. Please tell me you’re not serious about this girl.

ROBIN: She hath forsworn to love; and in that vow,

Do I live dead that live to tell it now.

IMPULSE:

SUPERBOY:

IMPULSE: …My butt itches!

scratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratch

scratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratch

scratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratch!

SUPERBOY: All right, Rob. This is it: Xavier’s school. You have to promise me that once you get a look at the girl, we can call Access back and get out of this freaky stupid freak universe of freaks before it’s too late.

IMPULSE: I just noticed…my feet are HUGE! Man! Look at these SHOES!

SUPERBOY: Shhh…there she is!

ROBIN: O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!

It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night;

Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight!

For I ne’er saw true beauty til this night.

IMPULSE:

SUPERBOY: Not much sweater-meat on her, though.

IMPULSE: I’M THE KING OF FEET!

ROBIN: But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Jubilee is the sun!

Arise, fair sun and kill the envious moon,

Who is already sick and pale with grief,

As daylight doth a lamp, her eyes in heaven

Would through the airy region stream so bright–

JUBILEE: Robin, Robin. Where are you, Robin? This school sucks. The best-looking guy blew his own face off.

ROBIN: (Aside) Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

IMPULSE: (Whispered): Tell her to look at my feet!

ROBIN:: Be still, dolt!

IMPULSE: They’re HUGE!

JUBILEE: It’s just a stupid company thing, anyway. I mean, so he’s DC, and I’m Marvel, and we’re not supposed to fall in love? I mean, what difference does it make? It’s like, if you called a rose a blender, it’d still smell good, right? Ooh…if that cutie pie were here right now…!

ROBIN: I’ll take thee at thy word! Call me but love!

IMPULSE: Yeah, and LOOK AT MY FEET!

JUBILEE: Robin! Oh, I’ve missed you so much! But…but you have to go. Xavier’s already told me that if they see us together…Robin, they’ll kill you!

ROBIN: Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye

Than all their claw and visor and metall’d fist!

Look thou but sweet,

And I am proof against their enmity.

IMPULSE: BO-ring! Hey, look, guys! I can stuff three fingers up one nostril! Look! Look, guys! Ow, ow, it really hurts! Hey, guys, look! Blood!

SUPERBOY: So…you’re a weather goddess, huh? Oh, yeah, I’m totally from this universe, the Marvel one, I mean, yep. That loser the bug clone beat was some other guy. No, really…The Avengers want me bad, but I’ve been thinking I might stay solo for a while–unless, well, you know, unless you’ve got a better idea, hmmmmmmm…?

IMPULSE: Hey! Hey, how come you’re walking funny?

SUPERBOY: ….nothing.

IMPULSE: …And how come, how come your hair is standing straight up like that?

SUPERBOY: None of your business.

IMPULSE: Eww! You smell like pee!

SUPERBOY: I got hit by lightning, all right? Now shut up and steal me some pants.

JUBILEE: That was…that was wonderful, Robin. I don’t know what to say…you’re so gentle and loving. I feel like crying, I’m so happy. Or singing, like a bird or something.

ROBIN: I would I were thy bird.

JUBILEE: You have to go, Robin. They’ll kill you if they find you in my bedroom. Parting is really sad. Do you suppose that anyone ever finds happiness? I mean, all I want in the world is to be with you. And they’ll never let us be together, not ever. What does our love do to hurt them? Doesn’t everyone deserve at least a chance at real happiness?

ROBIN: O, I am fortune’s fool!

JUBILEE: I know! We’re completely fu…no, wait…maybe there IS a way…!

From Comic Shop News…

ROBIN AND JUBILEE MOVE TO RIVERDALE

–“They Seem Like Nice Kids,” Says Miss Grundy–





HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY, EVERYONE! Remember that for every Lois, there’s a Clark, and for every Scott, there’s a Jean! Thanks to the Warren Ellis Forum Chatters (particularly Tricia Ellis) for the inspiration, and thanks to James Young for general helpfulness.

Mostly, a HUGE Yabs thanks to the incredibly talented MARTIN REDMOND for this fabulous Robin/Jubilee illustration. Watch for the upcomingSimone/Redmond webcomic, ACCIDENTAL PLANET, to take a peak inside the life of a hairdresser. Thanks, Martin, you completely and utterly rocketh.

Love,

Gail

Discuss this column on the You’ll All Be Sorry! Message Board.
All characters are ™ & © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.

You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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