FACE FRONT, TRUE BELIEVERS!
In this issue of Alpha Flight, our plucky Canucks face their greatest threat ever, in a story so controversial, so SHOCKING, we HAD to call it…
Three figures speed through the Ontario sky, leaving fading colour trails of red, white and black. Two of the flyers are dressed in mirror image outfits of black and white, and the third, wearing a costume with a maple-leaf pattern, carries a figure small enough to be a child in her arms. Using the Metro Toronto Convention Centre as their guidepost, they soar in ever-increasing circles, at last spotting their intended target.
VINDICATOR: There’s the source of the disturbance, Judd…down by that office building. Are those robots creating all that havoc?
PUCK: Looks like, Heather. They all seem to be following that goon with the ‘HF’ intials on his chest. What’s HIS story, I wonder…sure got a crowd going.
VINDICATOR: Aurora, Northstar, you’ve got the best chance of an unobtrusive recon in this situation. Think you can scoot down there and see what’s going on without being noticed?
NORTHSTAR: I’m insulted that you’d even imply…
AURORA: But of course we can, Vindicator. We’ll do as you ask.
VINDICATOR: Excellent. Do not engage the robot army, is that clear? We’ll wait out of sight until the rest of the team arrives.
PUCK: Heather, there could be civilians in that building, eh?
VINDICATOR: Those are my orders, Judd.
PUCK: You’re the boss.
VINDICATOR: …Yes, I am. Jean-Paul, Jeanne-Marie, I want you back here ASAP, agreed? This is real superhero stuff here, not the usual Department H detail. Let’s get this right.
NORTHSTAR: As you wish.
* Meaning responsive to both sexes, effendi!
— Sensuous Stan
TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1-1000: **gasp!**
HAMFIST: Yes, BISEXUALITY! That most hideous of perversities! That most indecisive of fetishes! You might say, “Oh, but aren’t bisexuals really harmless? They’re like kittens, right? All fluffy and adorable? Well, that just what they want you to think!
HAMFIST: THINK! Would you want a person who can lie down and “make out” with men AND women to wash your car? Would you want one of these ‘people’ to deliver your mail? Why at this very moment, they could be dating your daughter AND son and subjecting them to the bisexualist agenda!
TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1: Wow…I never thought about it that way…Stinkin’ bisexuals takin’ all our jobs!
TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #2: Yeah, lousy bisexuals always drinking milk straight from the carton! Since a Bisexual restaurant opened up in our town, all our cats have been disappearing! I say we burn ’em all, eh? Burn ’em!
TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1: You ever seen a bisexual try to drive? They got their blinker on all the time! And they hate soap!
TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #3: I think I heard once that Gavin MacCloud was a stinkin’ bisexual!
TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1: Burn Gavin MacCloud!
Suddenly, and a bit conveniently, dozens of the crowd have torches, and a couple have crowbars or something…to be honest, I haven’t really thought this through …
VINDICATOR: Aurora, call Shaman and Snowbird…we need all the manpower we can get to get rid of this hate-monger and disperse the crowd without injury.
PUCK: Now, wait, Heather…maybe the guy with the fist made of ham has a point…I never trusted them bisexuals, to be honest. They dress and think and talk differently from us, and thus they make me uncomfortable, revealing my human side and causing friction within the team, which will probably lead to a personal revelation and regret about how blind I’ve been.
SASQUATCH Enough talk! I’m taking this creep out!
THANKS: To Rob Harris, who is always a great help, and to Matt Fraction, Patrick Keller, and Lea Hernandez. Remember, hatred is bad. Get hate-free today!
All characters are ™ & © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.
You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.