DASTARDLY PRE-DAWN SNEAK ATTACK BY BENDIS MESSAGE BOARD LEAVES WARREN ELLIS FORUM IN RUINS
— “My God…Delphi Is In Flames,” Says Ben Affleck–
At 7:40 PST this morning on the internet, the good-natured camaraderie and discussion of how much everything sucks was cut tragically short, as a well-planned and overwhelming force from the popular Brian Michael Bendis message board devastated the equally popular Warren Ellis Delphi forum, completely obliterating their supply of warships and airplanes. Loss of life was massive although exact numbers haven’t yet been announced, due to most posters being really involved in a cool thread about Ministry of Space.
“It was horrible, horrible…,” said an Ellis board regular who goes by the handle Loki, nursing a grievous scalp wound and a slight overbite. “They came out of nowhere…there were two waves of them. They were targeting the more popular threads, like about how Dave Sim is a jerk– I looked up, and all the posters from the Planet Of The Apes Box Office Speculation thread were jumping into the water screaming. There were flames and trolls everywhere…I turned to my buddy John, and he was cut in half…he was cut in half right in the middle of posting a picture about a two-headed armadillo. And he was still talking! He told me to take care of some nurse who is supposed to be carrying my baby or something. I didn’t get the whole romantic sub-plot, though, because of my grievous scalp wound.”
Midway through the attack, Tricia Ellis was forced to man the anti-aircraft guns even though she was actually just the cook or something. That was pretty cool.
Chuck Dixon’s DIXONVERSE site vowed neutrality in an early morning press conference following the attack, however, the Bendis Board posters appear to be not only unapologetic, but increasingly hostile as the day wore on.
“The Warren Ellis forum is the only impediment to our complete strategic dominance of popular comic writers’ message boards. They must be destroyed. Destroyed! Destroyed! Destroyed!,” said a Bendis poster, Denny Haynes, who wished to remain anonymous. Bendis himself is said to have remarked, “i dont know what your talking about but i’m doing a wolvering graphic novel. it’ll be really good. you should all get. ” He then went on to post several messages about N’Sync.
Critically-acclaimed writer Warren Ellis, in a stirring speech, vowed swift reprisals for the cowardly attack. “This morning, July 24th, 2001–a date which will live in infamy–The Warren Ellis Delphi forum was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the Brian Michael Bendis Message Board. As of eleven o’clock, all dirty Bendis collaborators on this forum will be rounded up and placed in filthy, disease-ridden internment camps for their own protection. As commander in chief, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense against the sweaty yappy bastards.”
Ellis then urged the forum to buy Planetary war bonds, and stood up painfully, even though he has polio and his legs were blown off.
REMAINING IMAGE FOUNDERS TO PRODUCE COMIC
–Todd McFarlane Reminded Repeatedly What a Pencil Is By Associates–
In this exclusive BUZZLINE interview, the four remaining Image founders give a bit more detail regarding their exciting return to collaboration, which will take shape as a 128 page hardcover collection this coming Spring.
BUZZLINE: So, guys…it must be pretty exciting to all work together on one project again, huh?
LARSEN: I’ve been doing my comic all along.
BUZZLINE: Yeah, that’s great. So, Todd, anxious to get back to drawing again?
McFARLANE: Doing what now?
BUZZLINE: Drawing…you know, with a pencil?
McFARLANE: A what?
VALENTINO: …And I’m bringing back Shadowhawk.
BUZZLINE: Did you say “Shadowhunk?”
VALENTINO: No, Shadowhawk.
McFarlane: Is a pencil that thing you draw ON or is it that thing you draw WITH?
VALENTINO: No, Shadowhawk.
BUZZLINE: Oh, ShadowHAWK.
VALENTINO: Yeah, Shadowhawk. My fan has been clamoring for his return…
BUZZLINE: ‘Cause I was gonna say, Marvel would probably be mad if you named a character Shadowhulk.
McFARLANE: I do Spawn, right?
SILVESTRI: I’m pretty sure I do Shadowhawk.
VALENTINO: No, I do Shadowhawk. You do Cyberforce.
LARSEN I’ve been doing Savage Dragon like clockwork.
SILVESTRI: That doesn’t sound right. Cyberforce? Who the Hell is Cyberforce?
McFARLANE: I don’t remember what ShadowSpawn looks like.
VALENTINO: No, Todd. You do SpawnForce. I do CyberShadow.
LARSEN: Month in, month out. Quietly and with dignity, so the fans aren’t disappointed.
McFARLANE: Neat, Mr. Whoever You Are Guy. Back to me, though… I can’t wait to return to my beloved creation, CyberShadowSpawnHawkForce for this once-in-a-lifetime book by the ORIGINAL Image posse. It’s a fill-in by Greg Capullo, by the way.
VALENTINO: Yeah, we should do this every decade.
NOTED PALEONTOLOGIST SAYS, “GODDAMN, THEM RAPTORS IS SMART!
—Dr. Grant Makes Point Repeatedly, Almost As Though Foreshadowing—
ISLA NUBAR, SECOND SITE
There’s an old saying that states, “You can’t go home again.” But apparently, you can go back to the deadly island where you were almost killed and your companions were eaten by wild packs of dinosaurs with sharp teeth and tearing claws.
In an inexplicable and completely surprising move, famed dinosaur expert Dr. Alan Grant recently returned to the island where he was nearly killed in many entertaining ways. Ironically, this return occurred about five minutes after saying that no force on Heaven or Earth could get him to return to that island. Talk about irony!
“There were many dangerous predators, and they tried to eat us, which is just what happened all the other times people went to that island,” said Dr. Grant. “But the worst were the raptors.”
“They’re smarter than dogs or dolphins. They’re smarter than primates,” he continued, “First, we discovered that they use social vocalizing, quite a complex language model, really. When we had one trapped, he called for help. Then they developed a detailed strategy for hunting our party down, using sophisticated group tactics.”
“Then, when we felt we had locked them in a reinforced steel habitat enclosure, they somehow managed to cypher out the numerical code on the keypad to escape. We were too afraid to be astonished.”
“We crossed a river to get away from them, but they built a small raft and continued the chase. Just as we thought we’d lost them, one of them got the clever idea to set a trap for us using the clothes of one of our party that had been killed.”
“The raptor put on the mercenary’s clothes and folded up his tail in one pant leg. He had the hat sort of pushed down on his brow–I guess he figured we wouldn’t know it was a raptor pretending to be a man.”
“Then he used his resonating chamber and said, ‘I not raptor want to eat your yummy yummy organs. I man, yummy yummy man, watch tv shoot gun. Take me, yummy yummy man, to where more yummy yummy man are, not so I can eat yummy yummy man at all, drive car build house. Man so yummy. I not raptor, honest.'”
Dr. Grant shook his head in bemusement. “Those damn raptors get smarter every movie. I don’t, though.”
NEWS IN BRIEF
GEORGE PEREZ TO DRAW EVERYONE
–JLA/Avengers Suffers Significant Delay–
INTERNET REVIEWER BUYS SECOND THESAURUS
–Finds New Green Lantern “Fascile” and “Callow”–
KRYPTO CONTRACTS “SUPER-MANGE”
–Remarkable Dog Has Super-Itch, Super-Flaking; Resumes Licking Butt–
EISNER AWARDS RIGGED, CLAIMS ANONYMOUS ARTIST
–Liefeld Snubbed For Tenth Straight Year–
WOMEN OF SAN DIEGO COME OUT OF HIDING
— “Our Terrible Weekend of Fear Is Finally Over,” Cries Uterus-Owner
DISNEY TO PURCHASE CHILDREN’S IMAGINATION
–“Damn Ungrateful Brats! No More ‘Shrek’ For You!” Screams Eisner To Frightented Tots–
FAN PULLS OUT EARLY, CONVENTION FEELS UNSATISFIED
–“This Never Happened To Me Before…I Must Be Tired,” Says Fan–
PEPPERIDGE FARM COOKIES NASTY, SAYS COLUMNIST
–“Why Do People Eat These Dry, Crumbly Horrors?” Wonders Humorist–
JOE CASEY CLAIMS COMICS SHOULD BE MORE LIKE ROCK MUSIC, PORN
–“I Like Rock Music And Porn,” Declared Popular Scribe To Mailman–