With superheroes are all the rage, it seems like every character to don a cowl is making the jump to the silver screen. But while the moviegoing public has flocked to some of comics’ weirder characters (Guardians of the Galaxy, anyone?), there are some characters so weird, so truly out there that they have no chance of making the jump to a theater near you.
After all, for every Joker there has to be a Condiment King. For every Reverse Flash, an Egg Fu. So join us now as we take a look through DC’s vast catalogue of bizarre, strange, and legally questionable bad guys to bring you this list of 15 DC villains you will never see in the movies.
15. CRAZY QUILT
Tragedy can lead people to do crazy things. When painter Paul Dekker lost his sight due to a gunshot wound inflicted during a botched robbery, he didn’t decide to dedicate himself to relearning his craft; no, he signed up for an experimental surgery to regain his eyesight, found he was now only able to see in bright, disorienting colors, and turned to a life of crime. Thus, the longtime Batman foe Crazy Quilt was born.
Utilizing a specially designed helmet that emits flashing lights that can temporarily blind and disorient opponents, Crazy Quilt has ransacked just about every art gallery in Gotham. Quilt has also occasionally had higher aspirations then petty larceny, joining the likes of the Secret Society of Super Villains to battle heroes ranging from Mary Marvel to the Nightwing led Outsiders. While Crazy Quilt has managed to hang around for a surprisingly long time, at the end of the day he’s a partially blind man with a blinking hat in a garish patchwork costume. As a result, expect Crazy Quilt to stay far, far away from the DC Extended Universe.
There’s compensating, and then there’s the ridiculous villain known as Codpiece. While some men that are lacking in the, ahem, codpiece area, will frequently opt to purchase a large car or invest in flashy clothes in order to compensate for what they feel is a shortcoming, Codpiece instead prefers to work through his feelings of inferiority with a phallic laser gun strapped to his crotch.
Making his lone appearance in “Doom Patrol” Vol. 2 #70, the fearsome phallic foe is encountered while robbing a bank, all the while taking any comment or critique as a slight to his manhood. Using a specially designed codpiece laser gun, Codpiece manages to do some damage, but not before being talked down by Doom Patrol member Coagula. Movies like Deadpool have proven that the public is ready for R-Rated superhero films, but DC won’t be bringing this priapic plunderer to a theater near you anytime soon.
13. THE EXTREMISTS
DC and Marvel have battled for market supremacy for decades. While the companies reman pleasant with each other, that doesn’t mean they aren’t above poking fun of the competition from time to time. Marvel has the JLA stand-ins the Squadron Supreme, and DC has the JLA battling group of supervillains known as The Extremists, which is entirely composed of characters that certainly bear a striking resemblance to some of Marvel’s most famous foes.
Composed of knock-offs of Dr. Doom (team leader Lord Havok), Dormammu (the sorcerer known as Dreamslayer), Doctor Octopus (the ridiculous, tentacle-headed Gorgon), Sabretooth (the feral Tracer), and Magneto (the magnetic Doctor Diehard), the Extremists wear their influences on their sleeve. With DC working to establish itself on the silver screen, the last thing the company would need would be a group of rip-offs taking potshots at the Disney-backed Marvel. Much like The Extremists themselves, that just seems like a bad idea.
12. BLUE SNOWMAN
When the general public primarily knows you for your star-spangled onesie and your propensity to fly an invisible jet, it can be hard to convince the public that Wonder Woman is the butt kicking, tough as nails warrior comic fans know her to be. While comics have brought Wondy a long way, having the Princess of the Amazons go toe-to-toe with the likes of Ares and Circe, Diana still has a history of… questionable villains. And they don’t get much more questionable than the Blue Snowman.
Brilliant scientist Bryna Brilyant (ugh) fights Wonder Woman using a special composition known as “blue snow,” which has the ability to freeze whatever it touches. Also, she wears a robotic suit that just so happens to look like Robocop had a baby with Frosty the Snowman, complete with stovetop hat and corncob pipe. With Mr. Freeze and Captain Cold cornering the market on DCEU ice baddies, Blue Snowman doesn’t have a snowflakes chance in hell in popping up in DC’s repertoire of movies.
11. CONDIMENT KING
Batman collects weird bad guys like some people collect baseball cards. But while Bat villains such as the Ventriloquist and the Clock King are plenty weird, the weirdest of them all has to be the Bruce Timm-created Condiment King of “Batman: The Animated Series.”
Born Mitchell Mayo (yes, really), the villain known as the Condiment King uses his condiment-throwing weapons to create havoc around Batman’s home turf of Gotham. When Condiment King isn’t busy winging ketchup and relish at heroes, he stays busy rattling off a laundry list of condiment-based puns. While Condiment King has been trounced by the likes of the Birds of Prey and the Caped Crusader, Tim Drake, while serving as Robin, theorized that Condiment King could be an actual threat to some, as his guns run the risk of inducing anaphylactic shock in people allergic to his condiments. But the threat of making a background character’s face swell up isn’t enough to net Condiment King a place in the DCEU, so expect this character to stay in the bargain bin where he belongs.
Green Arrow’s rogue gallery is what could liberally be described as “rather sparse.” While the emerald archer has clashed with the likes of Deathstroke and Merlyn, the beloved hero doesn’t have too many baddies that he could call his own. That said, Green Arrow does have a unique villain that has a cult following among DC fanboys, and there is no chance he will ever appear in the DCEU.
The trench coat-sporting villain known as Onomatopoeia speaks entirely in, well, ontomatopoeias; i.e., yelling “Blam” when a gun goes off, or “Crack” when he connects with a punch. The mysterious Onomatopoeia pushed Oliver Queen to his limits, and he’s even gone toe-to-toe with Batman. But with a gimmick that works best in print, and with a personal plea from character creator Kevin Smith to never use the villain outside of comics, Onomatopoeia will likely never make the jump to the DCEU.
9. KITE MAN
Sometimes, it does exactly what it says on the tin. While many villains rely upon gadgets and gizmos to fight the forces of evil, the Batman bad guy known as Kite Man decided he didn’t need any fancy doodads to take on the world’s greatest detective; no, all Kite Man needed was a kite and a dream.
First appearing in “Batman” #133, Kite Man has served as a long time foe to the Bat. Armed with his trusty kite, Kite Man has been responsible for a long line of kite reliant crimes including, just to name a few, snatching criminals out of prison using kites and raiding art museums via skylight. While originally intended to be an honest-to-goodness threat to Batman, the years have not been kind to ol’ Kitey, as he was last seen being unceremoniously knocked out by Gotham Girl, all the while chanting “Kite Man, hell yeah!” As the DCEU Batman has been established as a take no prisoners, ruthless and violent opponent of crime, Kite Man and his dinky kites wouldn’t last five seconds in the DCEU, so don’t expect to see the character in the forthcoming solo “Batman” movie.
8. THE BROTHERHOOD OF DADA
The super team known as the Doom Patrol have made a name for themselves by exposing the weird and wild side of the DC Universe, crossing paths with a litany of out-there supervillains, and it doesn’t get more out there then the group of supervillains known as the Brotherhood of Dada.
Built around the concept of “Dadaism,” an art movement centered around the art of the absurd, the Brotherhood of Dada is filled to bursting with weird bad guys: led the sanity sapping Mr. Nobody (who resembles a walking Picasso painting), team members have included The Quiz, who has every super power you have never thought of (such as the ability to transform people into toilets filled with flowers), Agent !, who “comes as no surprise,” allowing him to appear as if from thin air, and Number None, who isn’t actually a person and is more a vague concept that manifests as the petty annoyances we all experience in everyday life. They’re the perfect foil for the bizarre Doom Patrol, but the Brotherhood of Dada is far too weird to work on the silver screen.
Fans of the villain known as Catman have probably had the “No, I swear Catman is actually really great” conversation once or twice. But it’s understandable that a name like “Catman” will elicit some eye rolls; after all, with a name like that, he has to be a cat obsessed chump that bats around balls of string and shares too many “I can haz cheeseburger” memes on Facebook.
But in actuality, Thomas Blake, better known by his alias Catman, is a bonafide badass. After years of struggling as a D-Grade villain, Blake honed his body through martial arts and by living with a pride of lions, becoming an unparalleled fighter and world class tracker. Catman has served as a member of the Secret Six, and he’s managed to fight way outside of his weight class, going toe-to-toe with the likes of Monsier Mallah and Captain Nazi. While comic fans know Catman to be a tough-as-nails foe that is not to be crossed, his silly name guarantees he will never appear on the silver screen.
Mark this entry down to “Awesome character, terrible name.” The emotion controlling supervillain known as Psycho-Pirate has used his mythical Medusa Mask to battle the likes of the Justice Society and the Justice League, but he just can’t outrun his silly name.
A legacy villain, Psycho-Pirate has been consistently appearing in DC Comics since 1944. With the Medusa Mask, Psycho-Pirate can enforce emotions on all those that look at him, which he has used to commit a litany of crimes. When Psycho-Pirate isn’t serving as a member of the Secret Society of Super Villains, he uses his mask to make money on the side, selling “feelings” akin to a drug dealer. A brilliant tactician with an intimate understanding of feelings and their powers over the human mind, Psycho-Pirate is a formidable villain, but there’s just no getting past the silly costume and the sillier name. As movie goers likely wouldn’t flock to the theater to watch the Justice League go toe to toe with a man in a tragedy mask dressed like someone attending the Renaissance Faire, don’t expect to see Psycho-Pirate pop up in the DCEU.
5. MISTER MIND
There are plenty of creatures that strike fear into the hearts of men: lions, tigers and bears, for example. But definitely not worms. They might be gross, but they certainly aren’t the most fearsome creatures to ever roam the globe. Apparently, Otto Binder, writer of “Captain Marvel,” didn’t get this memo, and thus the villain Mister Mind was born.
This two-inch-long alien worm from Venus possesses fearsome mind manipulation powers, which he has used to battle Shazam and the Marvel Family countless times. Mind would go on to metamorphose into a reality devouring God-creature, and nearly spelled the end of the DC Universe, but was ultimately thwarted by Booster Gold. Despite an impressive resume that includes clashes with the likes of Starman and the Green Lantern Corps, Mister Mind is still, well, a worm. If the long-rumored “Shazam” movie becomes a reality, expect an appearance from Doctor Sivana, as a world threatening worm wouldn’t fly with the movie-going public.
4. THE FISHERMAN
DC has worked long and hard to undo the damage the classic cartoon “Super Friends” did to Aquaman. While the upcoming Justice League movie seeks to introduce the general public to the awesome Arthur Curry that comic fans know and love, the character still has a general perception of being a useless also-ran. Villains like The Fisherman wouldn’t do wonders to change that perception.
The villain known as The Fisherman is pretty much the Green Arrow of the sea; with his assortment of trick lures (including poisonous lures, explosive lures, and more), this Aquaman baddie is a world renowned thief of rare items that just happens to wear waders. Legendary in his lameness, The Fisherman has largely been forgotten, save for a semi-recent appearance that revealed The Fisherman to be controlled by a helmet that happens to be a Lovecraftian alien from beyond time and space. DC likely realizes moviegoers wouldn’t flock to see Jason Momoa’s Aquaman duke it out with an alien-controlled angler, so The Fisherman will stay far, far away from the DCEU.
3. MONSIEUR MALLAH & THE BRAIN
Love has a way of blooming in the most unexpected places. Take for example Monsieur Mallah and The Brain. Despite one being a super-intelligent gorilla in a beret and the other being a sentient brain in a jar, this villainous duo couldn’t be more in love.
Serving primarily as antagonists of the Doom Patrol, this mismatched pair hid their feelings for each other for years, before Brain confessed his love for Mallah while using a plundered spare body of Doom Patrol member Robotman. When the two went to share their first kiss, the body promptly exploded, almost killing the couple. Ah, love. The duo have gone on to battle the likes of the Justice League and the Teen Titans, and have garnered a significant fan following, but at the end of the day, the world just isn’t ready for this cerebellum and simian romance to make the jump to the silver screen.
There is no delicate way to say this: the New Guardians villain known as Snowflame derives his powers from cocaine. While some villains receive their powers from a lab accident, and some villains are born with their powers, Snowflame gets his powers from doing lots and lots of cocaine.
Making his one and only appearance in “The New Guardians” #2, the drug lord known as Snowflame crossed paths with the New Guardians when the team travelled to Colombia to shut down the villain’s drug empire. By snorting copious amounts of cocaine, Snowflame uses his super strength and pyrokinesis to trounce the heroic team, all while babbling about how cocaine is his god. Snowflame would go on to perish in a chemical shed explosion, but his bizarre superpowers have kept fans talking about the villain years after his demise. While shows like “Narcos” have found an audience, DC will likely leave the drug running to Pablo Escobar and keep Snowflame as far away as humanly possible from the DCEU.
1. EGG FU
He’s big, he’s silly looking, and boy oh boy is he racist: It’s Egg Fu! This giant, mustachioed sentient egg has served as a longtime foe of Wonder Woman, and has even run afoul of the likes of the Metal Men, Power Girl and even Harley Quinn. However, there is just no getting past the fact that this is seriously, for real a giant, super racist talking egg.
DC has made numerous attempts to retool Egg Fu, casting the villain alternatively as an ancient supercomputer that gained sentience, as well as an agent of Apokolips. While Egg Fu has since shed his racist Chinese stereotype origins, there’s just no getting past the fact that the character is nothing but a sentient, super-intelligent egg. Moviegoers are willing to except a lot of things, but Egg Fu is far too ridiculous to ever make the jump to the DCEU, and that’s no yolk.
Are there any other DC villains you think would never make it to the big screens? Let us know in the comics!