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Comic Book Gallimaufry: Because Potpourri Is For The Ladies

by  in Comic News Comment

Yeah, I’m annoyed/manic/bored, and am writing a lot again. So what? Wanna fight about it? Wanna fight about Family Guy references? Want a back rub? You are a demanding audience, if so.

Hey, Summers, You’re On Notice! So, yeah; Buffy Season 8. I’ve decided that it’s got one more issue to not tread water. That will be the Willow one shot. That’s it. If that thing is mediocre or worse, I’m dropping it. I don’t even care about finishing the run at this point, because I can’t remember what happened last issue.

I mean, it’s not awful, it’s just not working for me anymore. Maybe it would read better as trades? Thing is, at one point, I loved it in single issues. That point was when Drew Goddard and Brian Vaughan were writing it, with Whedon’s stuff at least maintaining the good will I had for the concept of more Buffy that counts.

It never recovered from his awful time travel Fray crossover that made me hate Fray, time travel, Whedon, and various other things in their orbit, at least a little, though. At this point, I’m thinking maybe they should just take it away from him and let various comics pros and other writers outside the old Buffy staff (except Goddard) have at it. Yes, I want them to take Buffy away from her daddy.

So, yeah, I’m out of the Whedon Fan Club. I’ll send for my things, Bill. At least we’ll always have Firefly. (By the way, did everyone catch the Firefly reference on Castle this week? If not, you make me sad, not watching Castle like that. Go hit that up online, yo!)

No, Don’t! I’m thinking it’s time to maybe accept Mark Millar’s writing in to my life again. Or at least finish up his Ultimates run with Hitch. Or get Old Man Logan. I should probably not ever get Old Man Logan, should I? Still, I think if I go in expecting nothing but big splasy scenes strung together, and ignore his characterization, I should be okay, right?

But Then Maybe Mark Millar Would Write Him! So, yeah, why has their not at least been a Fantomex mini-series by now? Can someone (preferably Jason Aaron) get on that? If I ran Marvel, Fantomex would be in the X-Men. Hey, wait a minute! That sounds like a list!

It Is A List! X-Men Who Would Be On The X-Men If I Ran Marvel And The X-Men And Also Their Role As X-Men:

1. Nightcrawler (team leader/best character ever/suddenly Errol Flynn Jr. again because Father Kurt is so lame!)
2. Wolverine (is Wolverine)
3. Beast (tech support/wise cracker/does a lot of stuff with his feet)
4. Fantomex (dashing rogue ally who hangs out with the X-Men due to a combination of self interest, payments from Angel, and writer’s crush)
5. Rachel Summers/Marvel Girl/Phoenix/Whatever They’re Calling Her That Week (is less annoying than her mom, and you need a telekinetic)
6. Kitty Pryde (my theoretical X-Men run would begin with her space bullet landing on the X-Mansion lawn, or what’s left of it these days. Then she’d hitch hike across the Marvel Universe and proceed to kick everyone who said “Nah, don’t bother to try and save her” in the face. Including Joss Whedon. And then she’d rejoin the team, and we’d never speak of that again.)
7. Spiral (I just think she looks cool, okay?)
8. Armor (Whedon’s only decent addition to anything company owned ever, I think. Wolverine’s latest teen sidekick)
9. Jubilee (Wolverine’s old teen sidekick. Has her powers again. Can blow stuff up good. Is no longer a mall rat)
10. Cypher (Cunning linguist; doesn’t go in to battle, but does all the legwork a guy who can read any language (from sarcasm to binary) could do.)
11. Emma Frost (Shows up to get all the good lines every once in a while. I like her a lot, but she’s getting overexposed these days, so I’d use her sparingly.)
12. Shatterstar (He’s here! He’s queer! He’ll cut you if you make fun of his pony tail!)
13. Longshot (He’d be rocking a mullet and doing lucky things, just like when I was 12. NOSTALGIA!)
14. Psylocke (for when the artist really wants to draw camel toe and stabbing in the same panel)
15. Warlock (team mascot; can turn in to whatever set piece I feel like writing; can hang out with Cypher again)
16. Molly Hayes/Princess Powerful (would show up to be adorable/punch things at least every other issue)
17. Cannonball (would say “Mah blast field makes me practically invulnerable” once, then laugh, say “nah, really, people don’t talk like that, and also, remember that time I beat up Gladiator?” And that would be my and only slam on Chris Claremont’s writing.)
18. Siryn (Like Banshee if Banshee didn’t suck at everything. Always liked her.)
19. Iceman (I’d take a stab at making him live up to his potential, then probably kill him off in frustration 3 issues in.)
20. Xorn (He was real to me, damn it! Did they ever acknowledge Chuck Austen bringing him back at the end of his run?)

So, yeah, that would probably be as hated as every other X-Men run ever by people who read X-Men and hate it, I bet. I’d love to do it if I could ever be lucky enough to get a job writing comics.

Hey, Jerks, What Do You Think? Would any of these TV Shows I like make good comics?*:

1. Arrested Development
2. Veronica Mars
3. Family Guy
4. TNA Impact (well, I’ve liked it since Nigel McGuinness showed up and made Kurt Angle his whipping boy. OH NOES HE WROTE ABOUT WRASSLIN’ AGAIN! I WANTS MY MONEY BACKS! I will never forgive you for that, Stealthwise. And it wasn’t even in response to me! I don’t know why that angered me, but it did. Ahem.)
5. Dexter (I don’t consider those motion comics actual comics, even if Kyle Baker’s doing one. Sorry.)
6. Castle
7. Venture Brothers
8. How I Met Your Mother
9. ECW
10. Attack of the Show
11. Wolverine and the X-Men (why is there not a comic for the cartoon yet? It’s a pretty okay cartoon! Are the X-Men that tainted?)
12. Glee
13. The Craig Ferguson Show
14. Burn Notice
15. The Mentalist
16. The Office
17. 30 Rock

I mean, I’d read a Burn Notice: Year One comic, I bet, but I’m seriously not sure on some of these. There was a Family Guy fumetti thing, I know, but I’m wondering if they could do the cutaway thing in comics form effectively. Would the Mentalist work without Simon Baker being so amusing/charming? Would a 30 Rock comic just be Tracy Morgan running around naked while Judah Freidlander changes novelty hats? Would Dwight inevitably have a fight to the death with Wolverine if he existed in comics?

That’s It, I Quit, Go Ahead And Pick Your Nits Yeah, I got shit to do. Later, haters! And… indifferenters? Is that a word?

*I preemptively assume Apodaca thinks ever TV show I like sucks and will make a “they are not good TV shows” crack. That makes me sad. You used to not be so much like this when you were Madman Dan, Dan. I’m sure of it! That or I had better taste back then. I dunno. That was a long time ago.

P.S. Stealthwise just annoys me. Alan Coil, too. I can’t help it. So, when you both jumped on Chad for daring to write about wrestling (in a post titled “Random Thoughts”), that it was like the Four Horsemen jumping Dusty Rhodes. It made me so angry, and I wanted to see Magnum T.A. and Sting get their revenge on you in a steel cage. So, sorry? Should I apologize? I’ll apologize.