EDITOR’S NOTE: The following article contains adult language.
While few fans could match the devotion of one young man who told Kevin Smith he stood on line for five hours to see him, it demonstrates his enduring appeal with fans, drawing a full house in Hall H to his one man show at the recently concluded Comic-Con International in San Diego. While people still filed into the hall take up the remaining seats, Smith was showing a crudely drawn animation with the voices of himself and his friend Jason Mewes, the “Jay” to Smith’s “Silent Bob.”
Before taking questions, Smith talked about about masturbation in a Fleshlight, a sex toy he credits with helping him stay faithful to his wife. It also happens to be a product that sponsors his “Smodcast” with Scott Mosher.
Wrapping that line of thought up, Smith then he turned to the audience.
A young man told Kevin Smith that he had met his girlfriend a year ago at Comic-Com. Enthusiastically encouraged by Smith to to bring his girl up to the mike, his girlfriend joined him and he went down on one knee to propose and a collective “Awwwwww” went up from the crowd. It was unclear what she answered, but Smith asked where the wedding would be and if he was invited – he, of course, was. Smith then suggested they have it a Comic-Con in Hall H, to much applause. The young man demurred and Smith went on to ask of the bride-to-be if her beau was good in bed. She answered he was “okay,” which brought a collective groan from the audience. Smith said something to the effect that that’s not what you say to get your man to peak performance, but congratulated the young couple and had the audience give them a round of applause.
The next questioner had had a t-shirt made for Kevin which said “King of Hall H.” He had given Kevin a bag of stuff last year, so Kevin invited him up on stage to watch the rest of the show.
A film student asked what to do about writer’s block, to which Smith answered, “I’ve never really had a problem writing. Whether it’s good or not is for someone else to judge.”
A sailor in the Navy asked Kevin if he knew about how big a following he had in the armed services. Kevin answered, “I’ve heard from some people in the service, and it puzzled me because there’s nothing about military service in my movies.” The sailor resounded, “That’s why we like them.”
The sailor then went on to state, “I run the TV stations on our ships, and there’s always a request: ‘Put on that movie where a guy fucks a donkey.'” This caused the audience to erupt into laughter, with Smith telling the fan, “And you’re like, I’m not showing you any my home movies any more!”
The sailor then asked, “Have you ever given any thought to doing a USO show?”
Smith answered, “I think the USO generally asks really well known people. I don’t know if they did ask me if I could do it. ‘Cuz they’ll go, ‘You’re going to Iraq,’ and I’ll say, ‘Fuck you! Bring them all home and I’ll do a show here!’ But then maybe I should go. There’s no way I’d do military service for this fuckin’ country, I’m too much of a fuckin’ pussy. So maybe if I did do go and do a show, I’d be doing my patriotic duty… Doody,” he said, smirking like a naughty child.
Smith then talked about his friend Malcolm Ingram, a filmmaker who made a movie called “Small Town Gay Bar” and new film called “Bear Nation”. “I’m what you’d call a ‘Bear.’ So is Malcom,” said Smith. “Dudes who are as big as me, sometimes bigger, hairy, strong lookin’, truck drivin’ types who fuck dudes who aren’t as big as them. If you’re a ‘bear’ and you have a boyfriend, he’s what you would call a ‘cub.’ Malcom is one of my dearest friends, but once he came out of the closet, he became something of my gay avatar as well. Its like I wear Malcom, and he sucks cock and I get the benefit of it. He’s been trying to get me to go with him. ‘Dude, you don’t know what you’re missing we walk into a Bear bar and we’re Marilyn Monroe!'”
Next, a young man asked about a rumor about a film he heard Kevin was making, “Red State.”
Kevin answered, “I am [making this movie]. Its funny – it’s hard to find money in this town anymore, but I found it after ‘Cop Out.’ It’s weird. How I know there’s no money in this town is because I started getting call from agents over the course of the last two months. I get a phone call from a guy at ICA, ‘I have Guido Webber calling for you.’ I’m like, ‘His name’s Guido? Guido the killer agent?!’ Well, he’s getting me big talent. Big name talent that’s won Academy Awards, and I say, ‘Dude, you’ve got to tell me, man – what’s the fuckin’ scoop, man. Why am I gettin’ these calls. I mean, I made the donkey fuckin’ movies!’ And he says, ‘Everyone wants to be in the Kevin Smith business,’ and I’m sayin’, ‘Dude, don’t bullshit me, don’t agent me, I really want to know the truth.’ He says, ‘Nobody’s working right now.’ I go, ‘Really?!’ ‘Yeah, everyone is fighting over scraps! That’s why I’m calling you.’ I have more talent coming my way, not by virtue of anything I’ve done but because there’s not a shit ton of work out there right now. It’s only a 4 million dollar movie and it’s not really a comedy, its a horror film, and its not like anything else I’ve done. I kind of want it to look different than anything we’ve ever done. So there won’t be familiar faces in it. Some people compare the story to Fred Phelps and the Westboro church. Its about religious fundamentalism gone awry, and the main guy is named pastor Abin Cooper. Its a fuckin’ killer role. The actor I want is Michael Parks. The guy you may remember as the pimp from ‘Kill Bill’ or ‘From Dusk till Dawn.'”
Kevin then launched into hilarious recount – with the exception of the part with his eleven year old daughter crying at the prospect of cops arresting her father – of how he was trying to explain to his wife who Michael Parks was. He was playing “From Dusk till Dawn” in his bedroom when a neighbor called the cops thinking there was a hostage situation going on in his home. Luckily, it was all resolved and Smith was not arrested.
A curvy, voluptuous lady in what looked like a bed sheet wrapped around her body like a harem outfit that might slide off of her at any moment thanked Kevin and Comic Con attendees for making her first Comic-Con “Rock!”
A young man in a knitted green cap with a marijuana leaf on it asked, “I’m a little curious about your views on the legalization of marijuana and what is you favorite strain?”
“Right now my favorite strain is ‘City of Angels’ Absolutely I’m for legalization. At the tail end of that too-fat-to-fly thing my publicist called me and said, ‘The Governor called you.’ And I said, ‘The Governator?! Schwarzenegger?!’ I didn’t call ‘cuz I didn’t believe it. So the next day my publicist calls again and says, ‘You’ve got to call the Governor. His assistant called me back and is pissed, because you didn’t call. Here’s the number.’ I call and he’s not in, but ten minutes later I get another call (doing Schwarzenegger’s voice), ‘Kevin, this Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.’ It was fuckin’ him! That voice I’ve known my whole life! (Doing Arnold’s voice again) ‘Kevin, I wanted to talk to you about what happened on the Southwest airline situation because we were having a summit on physical fitness and I wanted you to attend but you missed it.’
“I then launched into the whole story of what happened and I wasn’t standing up for ‘fat rights’ or anything. People should be the size they’re comfortable at,” Smith continued. “There was a long pause and the Governor said, ‘As I said, the summit was yesterday.’ I said, look before you go can I ask you do one thing. Before you leave office, be the one to legalize marijuana and you’ll be a bigger hero than Conan. (Does the Governator’s voice again) ‘I’ll take it under advisement.'”
At this point, a rather flustered woman asked about the Southwest Airlines situation and what actually happened, “Because I won’t believe it if its not coming from you.”
Smith explained, “We we’re getting ready for take off. I was sitting in my seat with the arm rest down, and I look out the window and see the stewardess from the Southwest terminal come walking down the runway towards us. She comes on the plane and down the aisle looking pretty grim, and I’m thinking, ‘Oh, my God. They’re coming to tell me my mother has died.’ Cuz that’s how grim she looked. She says, ‘Mr. Smith, I’m sorry – you’re going to have to come with me. ‘Oh, my God! My mother died, didn’t she?!’ And she’s like, ‘What? No! How do I know? It’s a safety consideration.’ ‘Safety? Terrorists?’ And then I thought they wanted to help me to help fight terrorists. Like, ‘You are the Warlock!’ But she says ‘The pilot said you have to leave the plane. Can you just come with me, sir.’ I said, ‘Honey, please don’t do this to me. I made eye contact with people on the way into my seat and they recognize me. This will be fuckin’ embarrassing.’
“‘I’m sorry, it’s the pilot.’
“Part of me wanted to say ‘I’m gonna sit where I want to sit, fuck you!’ But in a post-9/11 environment, I don’t want to fuck around on an airplane. I didn’t want some hero passenger going, ‘I’ll stab him in the neck with a pencil!’ So what was I going to do? I didn’t want to be arrested. So I get up, and I turn to see a guy in my seat two rows back who’s twice as fuckin’ wide than I am! My first instinct is to go, ‘But look at him. He’s way fatter than me!’ But I kept my mouth shut, and I swear in the guys eyes was, ‘Please don’t tell them I’m fat’, please don’t tell them I’m fat.’ It bounced around, with her saying the pilot saw me – and there is no way the pilot saw me. ‘There are mirrors in the world,’ she said. But not on the plane! They put up one story on their website, citing the pilot complaining. Then, two days later, they changed it around. Then it was, ‘Some stewardess made a hasty judgement call.’ So at the end of the day, it turned me onto driving across country on a bus. It was all over the world and on newspapers in Moscow. Kevin Smith is fat! Whatever shred of dignity I had left was gone, man. It toughened me.”
Smith then launched into a story of when he was finishing up “Cop Out.” It was the last shot of the movie, and right after the end of the shot, he’s going to leaving on a bus with his friend Malcolm to drive him to his speaking engagements in Canada. In the middle of the shot, Kevin is looking through the camera when something catches Bruce Willis’ eye, and he bursts into laughter and jabs Tracy Morgan with his elbow. Tracy sees it, too, and bursts out laughing. Kevin looks up from the camera to see a prom bus with lights blazing and spinning and the bus outfitted on the inside “like a gay harem or bordello.”
“As much as I hate Southwest Airlines, they took me out of the skies, and now I roam the earth on a bus – the kind used by studios and touring music stars – to ‘Incredible Hulk music,'” Smith admitted. “It all could have been worse. I would never have discovered the joys of traveling across North America by bus. But I will say, if you’re over 200 lbs., steer clear or be aware that any moment you can be kicked off.”
With that, Kevin said good night, thanked everyone for turning out and invited us all back next year at San Diego Comic-Con, leaving to Hall H-sized applause.