ACTION COMICS #762
Written by Joe Kelly, Art by German Garcia
It’s ALL BETS ARE OFF time with the Man of Steel as
this hot new creative team focuses on, what else?
ACTION. BIFF! POW! Even when Superman is just SITTING
in a CHAIR, it’s LOADED with ZAP BANG ACTION! Look
out! Duck, Superman! That guy’s gonna CLOBBER you!
But, WAIT! You were just PRETENDING to be hurt! Now
you’re POUNDING him in the HEAD! You’re the MAN, SUPERMAN!
Plus, Jimmy is killed by locusts.
Written by Warren Ellis, Art by Bryan Hitch and Paul
Tension mounts within the team as newest teammate, The
Lord Thy God, questions Jenny’s leadership. Jenny
makes some jokes, and Paris is destroyed. You heard me
right. Destroyed. AGAIN. Hey, I don’t make this stuff
up, you know? This is my JOB. Anyway, greatest threat
the world has ever known blah blah blah strange
invaders from another dimension blah blah blah girl
with no clothes on blah blah blah you get the idea.
Superheroes like you’ve never seen them before,
assuming you’ve never read a comic, of course. Sorry.
I’ve been drinking. But I’m a PROFESSIONAL, dammit!
BATMAN: GOTHAM ADVENTURES
Written by Various, Drawn by Various
DC is proud to announce yet ANOTHER Eisner for the
former creative team of this book. Boy, were they
great. They managed to produce a book that put the
regular batbooks to shame, WITHOUT gimmicks or
“events”. They were critical darlings, all right.
What a great team this book had. Wow. They were sure
great. Man. This issue has the Penguin.
BIRDS OR PREY #14
Written by Chuck Dixon, Art by Greg Land
More TRU-WOMEN adventures as the Birds of Prey do all
those real-girl things like eat ice cream, talk about
men’s butts, fuss with their hair and go shopping.
Plus, Canary faces her deadly new villain, “BUTTSHOT”
or maybe that’s just the story title, or possibly the
Written by John Ostrander, Art by Jim Balent
Selina follows the brave lead of Pamela Anderson and
has breast reduction surgery. Yep, we figger this is
pretty much the last issue.
Written by Brian Augustyn, Art by Humberto Ramos
Vampires. Breasts. Breasts. Vampires. Breastpires.
Vampbreasts. Breasts breasts breasts Vampires
Vampires Vampires. Finally, comics that are ABOUT
DANGER GIRL #6
Written by Andy Hartnell and J. Scott Campbell, Art by
J. Scott Campbell
We just put this here as a joke.
DETECTIVE COMICS #741
Written by Chuck Dixon, Art by Sergio Cariello
In what’s certain to be the comic event of the decade,
Earth is destroyed, leaving only Gotham City and it’s
protector, Batman. Batman surrounds everyone with
barbed wire and institutes a policy where everyone
must eat better and work out more. How does the
destruction of Earth affect the rest of the denizens
of the DCU? We’ll tell you when we get around to it.
Quit your whining or I’ll give you something to cry
Written by Mark Waid and Brian Augustyn, Art by Paul Pelletier
The mystery of who Dark Flash is under the mask
continues! The mystery of who kidnapped Linda
continues! The mystery of the mysterious mystery man
continues! And in the slam-bang climax of this issue,
another 45 Flashes are revealed, and get this, they’re
ALL EVIL TWINS!! Man, that’s FLASH-TASTIC!
GREEN LANTERN #121
Written by Ron Marz, Art by Darryl Banks
Every female in the DCU, including Ma Hunkle and
Element Girl, has fallen for (and gotten into a
catfight over–meeeeoooww! Hss hss!!) Kyle Rayner, and
now, in the next inevitable step in his character arc,
“HERE COME THE LESBIANS!” as Kyle, our hapless hunky
hero harnesses his hormones for homosexuality! And did
I mention that THESE lesbians are wearing SWIMSUITS? I
didn’t THINK so! This is the kind of titillation that
used to be relegated to bad films on CINEMAX, but now
it’s IN GREEN LANTERN and IN YOUR FACE, fanboy!
Written by Garth Ennis, Art by John McCrea
Hijinx ensue as Hitman Tommy Monaghan is shot, beaten,
tortured, kicked in the crotch, castrated by a
Howitzer, kicked in the gaping hole where his crotch
USED to be, thrown out of a building and swallowed by
a 50 ft mutant pair of stripper Siamese Twins (both of
whom are named Bambi), all on the same night as his
long-promised date with Teigel! Set a course for
HILARITY as not one, but TWO of Tommy’s best friends
are killed with his name on their lips as their blood
spills out onto the snowy streets of Gotham City in a
very special holiday issue of Hitman!
Written by Tom Peyer, Art by Rags Morales
Read the book that has comics giant John Byrne raving,
“I’VE SEEN WORSE!” In this pivotal issue, Hourman,
who is a robot or something, talks with his friend
Snapper, who is some sort of beatnik, I guess, and
Snapper’s Ex-Wife Bethany, who I assume is supposed to
be sort of hippie-like, and they talk some more, and
they drink some coffee, and there’s some talk about
how Hourman wants to be more human, or less human, I
really don’t remember, and suddenly Amazo attacks, and
I remember there’s a cat in it. Yes, I definitely
remember a cat. They should put more of that cat in
there. The cat’s HILARIOUS.
Written by some guy who isn’t Mark Waid, Art by some
guy who isn’t Humberto Ramos
I had to double-check, but the answer is YES! We still
publish this book! Thrill to some fast adventures of
Bart as he infuriates Max and does some stuff that is
just TOO ADORABLE.
INVISIBLES #RED TRIANGLE TACO
Written by Grant Morrison, Art by Phil Jiminez
It’s a story with characters as fresh as five years
ago! The Invisibles, who are TOTALLY “CUTTING EDGE”
and “HIP” are assigned to investigate the pleasures
and dangers of the “GRUNGE” movement-the only problem
is, when they GET to SEATTLE, everyone POINTS at them
and LAUGHS! These are the kinds of comics your
grandmother warned your dad about! More mind-bending
“weirdness” from Grant Morrison’s ghost writers!
Written by Grant Morrison, Art by Howard Porter
THIS IS IT, JLA fans! The FINAL ISSUE of Grant and
Howard’s critically-acclaimed, fan-favorite run on
DC’s premier team book! Words can scarely describe
the emotions we feel here at DC as the torch is
prepared to be passed with this DOUBLE-SIZED issue.
Every dangling plot thread, every character
revelation since issue #1 has been leading to this
moment, and Grant and Howard plan to go out with a
BANG. THIS is what we’ve all waited for–the reason
we’ve been buying this book all along as Grant and
Howard have planned this magnificent uber-arc climax since the very beginning!
And while, unfortunately, Grant and Howard left no
notes or anything for this issue’s fill-in creative
team of Gerard Jones and Don Heck, I just want to go
on record as saying they did the BEST THEY COULD and
maybe Grant MEANT for Mageddon to be Captain Boomerang
KURT BUSIEK’S ASTRO CITY VOL 2 #21
Written by Kurt Busiek, Art by Brent Anderson
KURT BUSIEK action as you requested as KURT BUSIEK’s
Steeljack goes up against KURT BUSIEK’s Black Mask
Killer in KURT BUSIEK’s Astro City! Yes, we’re still
on that SAME STORY! KURT BUSIEK’s plots sometimes
GO ON, don’t they? As an added bonus, KURT BUSIEK’s
ALEX ROSS paints the cover. Ever wonder what it’s
like at KURT BUSIEK’s house? “Hey! Those are KURT
BUSIEK’S Pudding Pops! Put those DOWN and leave KURT
BUSIEK’s kitchen nook immediately!”
LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN #5
Written by Alan Moore, Art by Mr. Squiggles
Another book by “GENIUS” Alan Moore, who is sort of a
pain in the ass, if you ask me. He makes us answer the
phone, “Hello, BC Comics, may I help you?” just in
CASE it’s him. Plus, we have to erase the little
picture of Superman that goes out on his paycheck and
draw in SUPREME, of all things. He made beloved President
Janette Kahn change her name to Banette Bahn, and when
an intern said, “Welcome back to DC, Mr. Moore!”,
Alan bit off his nose and spit it at him. He refers
to Washington DC as Washington BC and he once beat on
our Clark Kent statue in the waiting room til its
head fell off. He’s an angry, angry man. Anyway,
this is more stuff lifted from Philip Jose Farmer,
um, I mean, more great stuff from the mind of Alan
Moore, exclusively for BC Comics!
LEGION OF SUPERHEROES #124
Written by Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning, Art by Olivier Coipel
ASTOUNDING NEVER BEFORE-ATTEMPTED DOUBLE REBOOT ISSUE!
The first half of this story features a complete reboot of the Legion of
Superheroes, taking the best from all previous incarnations
and twisting it with just the right amount of new ideas, so that
the whole things seems pleasantly familiar, yet fresh and vital and
exciting! Then, about halfway through the issue, we AGAIN
reboot the fan-favorites, the LSH, with a fresh new approach that
manages to combine the most popular elements from previous
versions, but with bold new ideas!
MARTIAN MANHUNTER #15
Written by John Ostrander, Art by Mandrake
A JUSTICE LEAGUE TITLE! THIS ISSUE ALSO CROSSES
OVER WITH THE JLAPHID EVENT! GUEST-STARRING
SUPERMAN, BATMAN, YOUNG JUSTICE, AND AQUAMAN! AND LOBO, DID WE
MENTION LOBO? GUEST-STARRING LOBO! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
PLEASE BUY THIS BOOK! WE’LL DO ANYTHING! I MEAN IT, ANYTHING!!!
LISTEN, MAYBE HE’S NOT MARTIAN, WOULD THAT BE BETTER?
MAYBE HE’S, SAY, A NINJA! AND MAYBE HE HUNTS, SAY, WOMEN WITH HUGE
BREASTS? WOULD THAT DO IT? OH, GOD, WE’RE LIKE ONE ISSUE AWAY FROM
BEING REPLACED BY BLACKHAWK REPRINTS!
Written by Warren Ellis, Art by John Cassaday
The PLANETARY team is sent to investigate a modern
stone-age family that insists on pushing a granite and
sabre-tooth hide vehicle through town with their FEET. As
always, the Planetary team is completely extraneous to the
plot and perform no real function. Drummer dialogue
highlight: “Weesa got a GRAND army! That’s why yousa no
likin’ us, meesa think!”
Written by Garth Ennis, Art by Steve Dillon
Special ALL ANAL RAPE issue, with buggery as-u-like-it! This
is the issue where Garth’s fascination with forced sodomy
really picks up steam, as Jessie, Cassady, Arseface and Tulip
finally give in and just start goin’ at it–16 pages of action you
should DEFINTELY keep in that “special” box of periodicals
you keep hidden in the closet. Plus, in a surprise back-up
story, the question almost NONE of you asked is answered in
the poignant tale, “Whatever Happened To That Load Of Shite Jessie Dumped
Way Back In Issue 12?” Wub, indeed!
Written by James Robinson, Art by Peter Snejbjerg
This issue, Jack speaks with the
ghost of his great uncle on
his mother’s side, who was a
plumber. A plumber for Justice
at a time when Opal City most
needed such a man!
STARS AND S.T.R.I.P.E. #7
Written by Geoff Johns, Art by Lee Moder
In this issue, Courtney switches Pat’s heart medication with Ex-Lax, shortsheets his bed, and
then attempts to set fire to the house while he’s still in it! Then, spunky Courtney runs
away from the house screaming, “You’re not my FATHER!”, and becomes a heroin addict, using
the original Star-Spangled Kid’s belt to beg strangers for spare change! Plus, in this issue,
Pat becomes sullen and abusive! It’s a generation gap comedy-of-terrors for THIS odd couple!
Written by Peter David, Art by Leonard Kirk
I called Peter and asked him what this issue was about and he said, “I don’t know. Demons, I
guess. No, wait! Ghosts. Yes, definitely. It’s about ghosts.” This issue: Ghosts!
THE TITANS #12
Written by Devin Grayson, Art by Mark Buckingham
In our first anniversary issue, all romantic subplots are tied up as the main focus of the story is
just a big ol’ pile of naked Titans discussing their dysfunctions! Plus, in a much-needed move,
another eight Titans join the team. Sorry, I’ve just been handed a note–it’s now TWELVE new
TOMMOROW STORIES #4
Written by Alan Moore; art by Kevin Nowlan, Rick Veitch, Jim Baikie, and Melinda Gebbie; cover by Baikie
And this one time, Alan came in and insisted that we all look like HIM, you know? So, we all had
to stop bathing and wear these false beards, and I remember that the grubby clothes we had to put on really started
itching after awhile. It was harder on we women, I think, cause after a while we started really feeling unattractive, but
DC staffers are made of stern stuff, and we even got used to him monitoring our total bathroom usage. Then Alan forced
us all to watch his one man play — that would have been okay but it was like six hours long and for some reason he
did all the dialogue backwards. I think it was about how he grew up, as told by his toenail. Afterwards, as a
joke, I suggested maybe he should do a Tom Strong/Superman team-up…I knew it was wrong, but the play
had made us ALL a bit loopy. Anyway, Alan splashed acid in my face. This issue features the usual four serials,
all of which are supposed to be a bit creepy, I guess. I wish my hair would grow back on that one side.
Written by Warren Ellis, Art by Darick Robinson
In the final chapter of the three-part masterpiece, “Lonely City”, Spider Jerusalem is forced
to choose between saying things that sound really really cool and quotable, or actually
speaking like a human being might speak. Plus, a broad sense of ennui pervades as the
seeming aloof quality of Warren Ellis’ characters finally topples their desire to live in a
story we HAD to call, “There’s No Snooze Alarm To Life!”
WONDER WOMAN #153
Written by Eric Luke, Art by Matt Clark
Diana faces her greatest challenge as a new villaness named FUGUE or something casts like a SPELL of some kind which
forces humanity to submit to their primal urges in a way, seemingly. A horrified Diana is called to beat the **** out of
humanity, but can even a WONDER WOMAN pummel the world’s citizens into peace?
YOUNG JUSTICE #17
Written by Peter David, Art by Todd Nauck
So, I called Peter David AGAIN and asked what was happening in YJ, and he said something about Robin being
the Professor and Impulse was Gilligan and Arrowette was Ginger, and then he started laughing really HARD, but I’m not
sure what he was laughing AT, exactly.
SPECIAL NOTE FROM DC: Please note that the revised
Elseworlds 80 Page Giant has again been recalled, in
order to avoid children poking out their own eyes and
replacing them with flamethrowers to emulate
Superman’s “heat vision”.
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