In the posh apartment Peter (Spider-Man) Parker shares with his super-model wife…
MARY JANE: Peter? Peter, are you in here? **giggle!**
PETER: I missed you, MJ! I missed you SO MUCH!
MARY JANE: I can TELL! I mean Peter, the flowers and champagne in the foyer…how thoughtful of you! What a nice welcome home, really. Can I turn on the light? I can’t see you at all, you big cutie!
PETER: No, not yet. I…I just want to see you like that…s’more romantic, okay?
MARY JANE: I think my face is stuck in the “sultry look” after three weeks in Europe doing nothing but modeling for that stupid swimsuit magazine. But I promise, after being away so long, I don’t need any flowers to feel romantic. Face it, Tiger. You’re about to hit the jackpot.
PETER: Heh. Get in the bed, Ms. Watson-Parker. I’ve been here waiting for you.
MARY JANE: Mmmm…like a good boy?
PETER: Oh, I’ve been VERY good.
MARY JANE: Well, I don’t LIKE good boys. **chuckle**
PETER: Guess I’d better learn to be bad, then, huh?
MARY JANE: Hm. You don’t sound very convincing. Maybe I should go out and find myself a REAL bad boy, like Carnage or Doctor Octopus…?
PETER: Oh, no. Listen, I promise…you get in the bed with me and I’ll SHOW you how bad I can be. God, you smell wonderful.
MARY JANE: It’s a prototype for my new personal fragrance…you like?
PETER: I like a lot. Now get over here.
MARY JANE: Okay, I’m coming…OW!
PETER: You all right? What happened?
MARY JANE: I tripped! Ew…Peter Parker, there’s WEBBING across the doorway here! I fell right over it…ick. Now it’s on my pants…Yuck!
PETER: Oh, MJ! I’m sorry! I clean forgot about that! That’s just my dragline!
MARY JANE: Your what?
PETER: Nothing. I’m so sorry.
MARY JANE: Well, it better not stain the carpet, is all I’m saying.
PETER: Honey, come to bed. I’ve really missed you. Forget about the carpet. I’ll clean it in the morning.
MARY JANE: Well, okay. Oooh…the sheets are all warm and cozy.
PETER: Sweetie…I’m so lucky to have a wife like you. You’re so smart, and fun to be with, and you love me so much…
MARY JANE: You forgot gorgeous!
PETER: Heh. And TOTALLY gorgeous. You’re a mega-babe! If you were on Welcome Back, Kotter, you’d be Babe Kaplan!
MARY JANE: All right, mister. ‘Fess up. Why are you trying to butter me up? Are you so dense you can’t already TELL that you’re about to get lucky?
PETER: Can’t fool you, can I? Okay. Urgh. This is embarrassing. It’s just that, well, how much do you love me?
MARY JANE: Peter, kidding aside, I love you with all my heart. You know I do. I’ve loved you since I first met you.
PETER: Yeah, but do you REALLY, REALLY love me?
MARY JANE: Yes, I REALLY, REALLY love you. What’s this about, Peter?
PETER: …And you noticed that I cleaned up the house, right? And I got the flowers and champagne? I mean, you KNOW I’d do ANYTHING to make you happy, right?
PETER: Just name it, and I’ll do it. Whatever you want, whatever you can fantasize…
MARY JANE: Ha! I’m starting to get it, now…you want some sex thing, right? You dirty dog! Ha ha ha! Woowoo, get out the whipped cream and the cheerleader’s outfit!
PETER: …heh. You got me.
MARY JANE: Well, I’m game. What, you want to web me to the bedposts again or something?
PETER: Well, no…not exactly…
MARY JANE: Okay…listen, honey. Everyone has fantasies. It’s okay. I’m not promising I’ll do whatever it is, but you CAN trust me enough to tell me. Just…tell me. It’s okay, Tiger. You’re my husband, and I want you to be happy.
PETER: All right. Well, here goes. Mary Jane Watson-Parker…will you…would you…
MARY JANE: Yes…?
PETER: Would you please accept this web-sack full of sperm and then kill me and devour my corpse?
MARY JANE: WHAT?!!?
PETER: Just this once?
MARY JANE: Peter Parker! Have you gone INSANE? What the **** are you TALKING about?!?!
PETER: Honey, it’s no big deal! LOTS of people do it! All you have to do is accept this web-sack full of sperm into your reproductive organs, and then kill me and use me for food until you can excrete eggs into a cocoon. Simple! Come on, be a good sport–You might even like it!
MARY JANE: Oh, my GOD. What is that I’m feeling?
PETER: Oh, that’s just my anterior cephalothorax. Anyway, how about it? I’ll be gentle, I promise. Just accept my sperm and kill me and eat me this one time, okay? I’ll never ask again.
MARY JANE: Peter, I’m scared…
PETER: It’s totally natural, honey! Couldn’t be easier…you won’t feel a thing! Come on, where’s that adventurous little minx I married? Please, sweetie, won’t you make my harmless little dream come true? I’m getting hot just thinking about it!
MARY JANE: Oh, dear Lord…
PETER: No kidding, my spider-sense isn’t ALL that’s tingling!
MARY JANE: You mean…this is…it’s getting you…
PETER: Oh, YEAH! The copulatory organs in my pedepalp appendages are RARIN’ TO GO, baby! It’s gonna be a WILD night in the Parker household, snik hiss click!
MARY JANE: Oh, Peter…! **sob!**
PETER: Oh, yeah, doo doo doo, Ol’ Lucky Pete’s gonna get killed and eaten tonight, yeah, yeah, snick click hiss hiss! When I get that feelin’, I want sexual healing– and then to be killed and eaten, oh, yeah, baby, doo doo doo click!
MARY JANE: That used to be OUR song!
PETER: Wake up wake up wake up, let’s make love tonight. Get up get up get up, cause you do it right, OH BABY! Then, you kill and eat me, oh, baby, hiss click hiss!
MARY JANE: Peter…honey, listen to me. Something terrible is happening to you…
PETER: Well, ‘terrible’ seems an awful strong word, MJ, click click hiss. I mean, if you don’t want to do this little thing for me, FINE. Click. Hiss. Sorry I ASKED.
MARY JANE: Peter, don’t pout.
PETER: I’m NOT POUTING. Hiss. If you don’t want to indulge in a little harmless experimenting…
MARY JANE: LISTEN TO ME. When you were bitten by that radioactive spider, you gained all those wonderful powers and became a s superhero. And you’re the BEST at it, Tiger. You’re the funniest, the smartest, the coolest hero in the WHOLE WORLD. But, honey, that spider’s DNA-it must be catching up with your metabolism. You’re going through some sort of delayed metamorphosis!
PETER: Click Hiss Snick I ate three hundred grasshoppers today. Click. Hey, you think this is easy for me? You’re kind of repulsive to me now, snick click hiss. Only two eyes and arms, and you don’t even have a hardened epigyne anterior plate! I had to read Charlotte’s Web TWICE to get interested enough to fill the web-sack! And now you won’t even kill and eat me! SOME RELATIONSHIP!
MARY JANE: Peter…I’m sorry. I can’t. I can’t do that for you. I can’t accept your…web thing. I’m scared of what you’ve become…
PETER: Really? Huh. Well, then you probably don’t even want to HEAR what body part all this WEBBING came out of snick click hiss hiss click.
* * * * *
ELSEWHERE IN MANHATTAN,
MRS. POTTER’S GARDEN, IN A SPIDER-WEB NEAR THE BACK GATE…
FEMALE BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER: NOTICE MY PHEROMONES, ACCEPTABLE MALE. I AM BOTH MATURE AND RECEPTIVE. WE MUST MATE AND PRODUCE HATCHLINGS.
RADIOACTIVE SPIDER: Woah, hey, Sweet Mama. Can’t we just cuddle first?