ALAN MOORE RETIRES FROM COMICS
“Porn Needs Me More,” Says Bizarre Genius
— UNDER THE MAGIC TOADSTOOL, ENGLAND —
The world of comics was greatly saddened today by the announcement that the brilliant mind behind Watchmen, Promethea, Tom Strong, From Hell, and D.R. And Quinch, ALAN MOORE, was leaving the industry. “I feel I’ve said all I can say in comics for the moment, and I think a rest is well-deserved,” said the famed author/artist/musician/magician, who then somehow conjured a Snackwell chocolate biscuit from thin air, or possibly his beard.
“I recently purchased a small number of thousands of DVDs featuring adult hardcore action, particularly girls in cheerleader outfits, and I have to say, the dialogue was really dreadful,” said Moore. “Lots of ‘Oh, baby’ this and ‘ooh, faster’ that. I could barely watch it all repeatedly.”
BUZZLINE EXCLUSIVE: For the first time anywhere, Buzzline is proud to present a portion of Moore’s film script for the upcoming feature SPONGE-BOOB NO-PANTS.
Our sensual mystery begins in a hotel room. The camera focuses on a lone banana in the inarticulate crystalline fruitbowl. The banana rests, sullen, away from the languid and deceitful kiwi and coarse, cruel oranges. We should sense that this banana, plucked through the tears of a young and virginal Guatamalan orphan named Tito, is resigned to its fate–fully understanding its brief non-life as part of the grand fruitisphere. The bowl itself shows fractalized images of the bruised skin of the Chiquita-branded endo-seeded plant traveler. If possible, we should sense that the banana represents a separation from the Earth, as increasingly, technology separates humankind from its own terrestrial matriarch. The banana witnesses the squalor of the lime kitchenette, weeping in the silent, color-blind language of its scented tropical heritage, as mute acceptance of the clicking temporal machinery that selected this fate overcomes all sense of hope. We imagine a single faint sigh from inside the banana, perhaps signifying a surcease of will, of purpose, of BEING. Then it goes up the guy’s butt.
FIST HARDLY: Donna, found dyslexic dog in street, looking for place to cough out bloody guts, final putrid breath in gutter, alone and abandoned. Gets me hot, take top off.
DONNA DERRIERE: Oh, Fist. Let the pagan gods know of our howling, unfettered adultery.
FIST HARDLY: Adultery. A dull tree. Adult airy.
DYSLEXIC DOG: Brak! Krab! Karb!
FIST HARDLY: Dog is a wiener dog.
DONNA DERRIERE: Your words have two meanings. See my aperture?
FIST HARDLY: You are right. Hadn’t realized. “Weiner” dog.
DONNA DERRIERE: Oh, my wood-deity! Oh, oh yes, my wood-deity!
FIST HARDLY: Banana provides measurable discomfort.
DONNA DERRIERE: Shall I remove it?
FIST HARDLY: No.
DONNA DERRIERE: Oh, look, it is my sister, Gaia, the spirit of all cheerleaders! How opportune is her arrival! How plentiful are her pom-pons!
FIST HARDLY: Three is power number; holy trinity, Earth from sun. Gets me hot, take off sister’s top.
DYSLEXIC DOG: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg!
Buzzline note: Fans of Alan Moore are instructed to look for the upcoming video releases; Horny Biker Lesbo Chicks FROM HELL, League of EXXXtraordinary Student Nurses in Heat, Top Ten Inches, and 1963 (just kidding about that last one).
BATROC THE LEAPER EVEN LESS POPULAR
“Zee Dog! She Is Hump My Leg!” Says Freaky Frenchman.
–FRANCE, BACKED US DURING THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR–
In an age where people are so goddamn stupid and xenophobic they actually rename food as a blow for freedom, we must pause and remember the forgotten victims of our French-bashing; that’s right, let’s give a moment’s thought to stereotypical French doofus villains, including Monsieur Georges, a.k.a., Batroc The Leaper.
“I am eating zee cheese! I am drinking zee wine! Zut alors! Have you not smell me? I am zee belle du smellage!” said the crazy guy, who, oddly, had never been written by anyone who had ever been to France, even for a vacation.
“I waz alwayz being zee verry, verry, ztupid villain, az zee main power having iz zee leaping. Oh, how I would do zee leaping! But now I am having zee many Americanz shoot at me and kick me when I am, how you say, down on my kneez begging for ze mercy and zey are hit me and pull ze moustache, c’est vrai, sacre bleu!” said the proud pink-and-orange-suited Frenchy, before I hit him and pulled his moustache, but not because he’s French.
“Owwieeeeeeee!” cried the bizarre aberration before going out the window, just after the genius who came up with “Freedom Toast.”
“Leap THAT, dipstick,” I said, cheerily.
SIMONE/UDON/DEADPOOL TO RETURN TO AGENT X
“I Don’t Get It,” Say Baffled Buzzline Readers
— THE INTERNET —
Thousands of hilarity-loving readers were puzzled and angered by the faux-‘news’ story appearing in this very edition of BUZZLINE. When plucky net-browsers turned to Yabs, rightly expecting their weekly demi-chortle, they instead were horrified to read the news story you’re reading this very moment.
“This makes no sense,” said Denny Haynes, message board regular and fruit smoothie enthusiast. “Is this a joke?”
“I thought Deadpool was dead,” retorted HOT4SHULKIE. “Is this a joke?”
“Back on Agent X? And Deadpool’s coming back? Huh?” asked a confused Marvel.
“I can’t tell if she’s kidding,” said Gail’s Mom. “Is it a genuine news story couched as a joke, or a joke couched as a news story?”
Agent X editor Marc Sumerak was heard to say nothing to nobody, thus non-confirming what we already failed to previously know beforehand. The creative team either returns with issue 13 of Agent X, or doesn’t. Take that, Newsarama!
JIMMY CORRIGAN COMING TO GAMEBOY ADVANCE
— “Now YOU Can Know Despair and Self-Loathing,” Says Nintendo —
DEVIL RETURNS FOR GEOFF JOHNS’ SOUL
— Writer of 12 Monthlies Pretends To Not Be Home —
LAST MARVEL CHARACTER OPTIONED FOR FILM
— Nic Cage In Talks To Play Cabbie With Weird Hat —
COLUMNIST STILL FEARLESS
— “John Byrne, Boy He’s Feisty Sometimes!” Says Bold Muckraker —
GUY HAS NO IDEA HOW TO PLAY HEROCLIX
— Sadly Pushes Figures Around Map, Says, “Kapow, Thwip.” —
POGS FAIL TO MAKE SMASH HIT COMEBACK
— Two Hundredth Straight Year of Unpopularity And Shame —
LADY DEATH LOSES TEN POUNDS
— EACH —
MUTANT NAMES APPEAR ON MONITOR IN X2
— Suddenly, It’s Like a Theater Full of Boners —