WELCOME BACK JENKINS
What a long, strange trip it has been, chums.
After a two-year hiatus, the semi-legendary FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE is back where it rightly belongs, on Comic Book Resources, the spiritual center of the entire Internet!
Long time readers will be both amazed and alarmed to learn just how little I have progressed as a human being since this column last appeared on the esteemed website of CBR’s friendly rival, Newsarama. Our time there was fun, but alas, I am not very good with a telescope and was unable to pass the ‘Rama’s new common entrance exam, which involves plotting a launch sequence for the Space Shuttle Atlantis to within five nanometers of the International Space Station. Given my column’s complete lack of functionality and my inability to properly align a photon torpedo, I was thus thrust onto the Information Superhighway, only to lose my way and arrive here at the Collective Brotherhood of Righteousness, (or CBR for short). CBR’s entrance exams involve the heavy consumption of alcohol, the tipping of cows “on a dare,” and being exposed to such hazing favorites as the old “firework-in-the-pants Frat Party Special.” I am on familiar ground.
CBR’s supreme potentate – Comrade Jonah Weiland – has been quick to welcome Flogging with open arms and has made only the most generous of demands for such obvious necessities as rental space, message board deposits and what I feel to be a very fair “written word tax.” I am grateful to have been accepted for such a small fee, and my attorney is now hard at work fielding Comrade Weiland’s many demands for immediate payment. I remain grateful to my old chums at Newsarama – especially my good friend, former prison guard Matt Brady who was as professional as he was menacing during our time working together – but all good things must come to an end. Rest assured, though, in the last two years I have not lost the capacity to pull disaster from the jaws of triumph, as new readers are about to find out.
In order to bring some of you up to speed I have persuaded CBR’s crack design staff of Oompa Loompas to reproduce a few of the earlier Floggings, which you will be able to find in the Archives section of the main Flogging a Dead Horse area. We have a nifty new message board, where I encourage you to write lots of comments. If all goes according to plan, we can spend the next five years debating a story I wrote three years ago in which universally hated character, Sally Floyd, yelled at beloved Captain America, thus exposing my true identity as an enemy of NASCAR, comics and free thinking people in general. I look forward to hearing from you all on that topic.
A quick perusal of the archives will reveal that I have filled my previous columns with information that can best be described as arbitrary and, if we’re being honest, downright confusing at worst. While I am loosely described as a comic writer (depending on your opinion of my work and/or parentage), you’ll quickly see that comic books are rarely the subject of any given Flogging column. On the other hand, if you want to learn about my Ten Most Stupid Injuries or have a hankering to grimace at tales of Five Women Who Almost Killed Me, Flogging a Dead Horse is the column for you!
The entire thing begins in earnest next week, where I shall be reintroducing our cast of players, including my long suffering wife, Nigh Perfect, and our Little Dude (known to old Flogging fans as Torak the Slayer. That’s going to take a lot of explaining – on second thoughts, read the old columns and you’ll catch on!).
Little Dude has become, well… a little dude nowadays. He is three years old and slightly less weird than his Dad. Next week, I’m going to show you just how the wee lad has regressed under the expert tutelage of his old man. But he is a ridiculously loving and cute little bugger.
Animal fans and frequent visitors to Furry conventions will be pleased to learn that all three of our dogs are still around, and Mister Quimby the cat remains alive and well, stuffed full of half-eaten rabbits that he continually finds in the back yard.
Anyway, the madness will begin next week when we’re going to show you just how much fun you can have at a Fantasy convention armed with only a three year-old and a British accent, and just how to horrify the mother of your child by using your kid to get numerous pictures of scantily clad women.
Until then, chums, I remain your humble servant and newest member of the Collective Brotherhood of Righteousness!
— Paul Jenkins