If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be? Maybe you’d go with Iron Man’s intellect, charm or, you know, Iron Man armor? What about Captain America’s Super Soldier Serum-induced skills, speed and stamina or Superman’s flight and heat vision? Maybe cybernetic implants and enhancements are more your style, like Cyborg, or full-on android like The Vision? Chances are, you can probably come up with something cool, at least cooler than the superpowers we’re about to count down for you.
While they may sound stupid on the surface, fret not about the silliness or redundancy of these powers and their premises, because the heavy hitters that wield them can take down some of the biggest bads and fiercest foes in any superhero comic universe. The likes of Thanos, Apocalypse and Darkseid have knelt to some of these guys, and cosmic-level threats like Galactus or The Collector have cowered in fear. While there are plenty powers and heroes here that you’ve more than likely heard of, some of them are more on the obscure side of the spectrum, so prepare to be surprised.
With that in mind, let’s get started. Here are 15 of the stupidest super powers that are actually super powerful.
Wielded by the delusional Dogwelder (of Section 8 “fame”), the power to “dogweld,” or weld dogs, is intensely creepy and seemingly useless. It is, in direct use, the ability to weld dead dogs together or to others. ‘Welder uses traps to catch stray animals and then stockpiles them for his inherently sick but seemingly necessary use. Just think about it, would you want a dead dog welded to your face?
Sure, it’s meant for shock value and general quirkiness, but think about the actual damage this power could do. Having a dead, lovable animal welded to your face could cause some serious pain and irreparable emotional damage. Let’s just hope that the individuals on the receiving end of the power, uh, deserve it? We can’t really co-sign this one. Sorry, Dogwelder.
14. CREATING GOLD BALLS
Another specific-to-its-user power, the ability to create gold balls of varying sizes may sound awfully dumb, but its tactical use could be infinite. Made famous by Fabio Medina, a.k.a. Goldballs (who can currently be seen as Miles Morales’ roomie in Spider-Man), the power is just as upfront as it seems: Medina creates actual gold orbs that he can direct or throw at enemies. Think of it like telekinesis, only just applicable to one thing.
The power to create gold balls is nothing to shove off, though. After all, Medina was able to assist in fending off a horde of Sentinels, become an integral part of the Uncanny X-Men team and even held his own after being teleported into Limbo. Now, he hangs with Spider-Man, but we have a feeling we’ll see Goldballs do some more intense work in the future.
OK, so while the powers of Jubilee (of X-Men fame) aren’t fireworks the way we know them, they sure do look like the patriotic light shows we’ve come to know and love. That being said, how useful could they be in a one-on-one fight? Well, Jubilee and her fireworks, bundles of plasma energy she can control with her mind, can ball up, fly across an arena or explode on command.
Oh, but there’s more. She can also increase the power and flare of these fireworks, going as far as to temporarily blind someone or incapacitate them like a flash grenade. Take it from Emma Frost: a hero with the powers of Jubilee could potentially be one of the most powerful mutants out there. Those fireworks aren’t so stupid anymore, huh?
12. GLUE GUN
While not an inherently “super” power, the devices that Paste-Pot Pete (later Trapster) uses in his day-to-day are often railed on by street-level heroes. Sure, getting mocked by Spider-Man could be enough to get you down in the dumps, but let’s actually take a look at what actually perspires when Paste-Pot Pete uses his paste.
In short, his powers are much like Spider-Man’s, as the glue he releases from his fingertip gloves can harden into a rubbery substance, allowing him to swing and climb to his heart’s content, even going so far as to use it to walk up walls. His powers also come with a solvent for glues, pastes and other assorted adhesives. Oh, and friction. He can remove the friction from any surface.
In a sense, there are handful of heroes who utilize sound waves to their advantage. Black Canary uses her cries to deafen her enemies and even fly and the X-Men‘s Banshee has a similar power set. Heck, even Black Bolt’s voice is an extension of this, but each of those heroes’ inherent powers outweigh the silliness of using music as a power source. Enter Dazzler.
Dazzler, known by many as the prominent X-Man and pop musician in the Marvel Universe, can channel sound waves and sonic vibrations into light, which she then emits. While similar to the aforementioned heroes, Dazzler’s power of music allows her to pull sound in from outside sources, remain less predictable in frequency and much, much more, like how she can create holograms of people — or fly.
Luck has long been an intriguing power set in the comic book universe. For characters like Domino and Longshot, their powers are often married to a martial arts skill set, espionage-level training or super-speed. They create probability fields, sure, but they’re also badass all on their own. For Black Cat, however, luck is her primary source of power, or rather, the ability to produce bad luck for others.
Luck may seem awfully abstract as a power, though, and it’s upfront usefulness isn’t exactly there. But think about this: running across a packed highway without getting hit by a car, breaking into a vault and the alarm not going off, or just something as simple as playing the lottery could change your life. Good luck could go a long way there. And with bad luck, you could essentially make your enemies do whatever you want.
Probably the most “radical” power on the list, the ability to skateboard super well is known by most to belong to the one, the only, Night Thrasher. While the New Warrior sports a collection of interesting abilities, including his enhanced DNA or telepathic resistance, Thrasher spends most of his time, well, thrashing. But let’s be honest, skateboard powers sound pretty stupid, right?
Utilizing his skateboarding abilities, Night Thrasher has enhanced speed and agility and has held his own with other members of the New Warriors, the Hellfire Club and the Folding Circle. Imagine dodging bullets while pulling off sweet moves? Not to mention, Night Thrasher’s recent appearance in Contest of Champions had him taking on Hulks, Punishers and more with little to no trouble.
8. PSYONIC BRICKS
Utilizing constructs is nothing new to the Marvel or DC Universes. Characters like Hal Jordan and Archangel have long used constructs to their benefits, whether it be flight, defense or offensive potential. But psyonic bricks are Bunker’s game, and his constructs are awfully specific. As a member of the New 52’s Teen Titans, Bunker was often a last line of defense for the team, using his tiny bricks to garner incredible results.
With psyonic bricks, you could build anything from a small wall to a tiny house to your very own castle. In Teen Titans, bunker could spar no problem with the likes of Raven, Wonder Girl and Beast Boy, and while his power’s specificity was mocked by a handful of villains, he was quickly able to show them just how strong his bricks could be. Oh, and they’re purple.
As the laughing stock of the Suicide Squad (for good reason), Captain Boomerang is a drunkard with an interesting power set: he’s exceptionally good at throwing his incredibly sharp boomerangs. Yes, it is a stupid power, but it’s put to great use. Anyone in possession of these sharp weapons, not to mention the accuracy and efficacy of Captain Boomerang, should have more than a fair time in a fight with a heavy hitter.
Captain Boomerang and his arrogance have gone head to head with Killer Croc, Enchantress and the Kryptonian General Zod. While his boomerangs didn’t help too much in that last fight, (Spoiler: he gets vaporized) you get the point. The powers here would be like Bullseye and his ability to be proficient with any sharp object, except, you know, only boomerangs.
The X-Men‘s Doop has long been the butt of comic jokes, but anyone in the know about this floating green glob of greatness would know that Doop is more than formidable. With powers like superhuman strength, durability, regeneration, flight and an ability to manipulate time and space, Doop is no joke. However, no power comes close to the stupidity of Doopspeak, his signature ability.
Doopspeak was an apparently undecipherable fictional language (until Essential X-Men #57) that only Doop, well, speaks. It is said to be on a level so far advanced from human speech that it’s tactical efficiency is unmatched. Imagine the ability to be the only being in existence to send and decode messages in the language. While your superpower wouldn’t be as cool as super-speed or flight, you’d be one hell of a linguist, and language is power. I think that’s how that saying goes.
5. COMMUNICATING WITH ANTS
You know Ant-Man. He’s the funny hero played by Paul Rudd in the movies with a suit that lets him shrink down to incredibly small sizes or grow to be 10 stories tall. However, Ant-Man is also in possession of one of the most ridiculous, but incredibly useful and powerful abilities out there: he can talk to ants. Well, again, it’s more of a type of inaudible communication, but you get the point.
Ants can carry up to 5,000 times their own body weight, allowing their power to grow exponentially in large groups. Not only that (which essentially offers super-strength to the user), but also the ants can be coerced into making constructs, not unlike Green Lantern. OK, so it’s totally different from Green Lantern, but if you see a giant Voltron-esque machine made of ants lumbering toward you, chances are you’re gonna take off running.
Seriously, doors? No, “doors.” The funny part here is that “doors” are the main power of Doorman, a member of the Great Lakes Avengers. While the ability to essentially teleport is no mocking matter, calling them doors, yourself Doorman and emitting a general sense of love for doors is incredibly stupid. Cyborg has Boom Tubes. Now that’s cool. Doors? Not so much.
But Doorman’s natural ability to make people not take him serious is a benefit, and he can be a make or break moment in a time of need, slipping in and out of precarious situations, sneaking home when you’re doing something you’re not supposed to, or even just going to the bathroom in the middle of the night without walking through any real doors. Oh, and the doors make disposing of supervillains that much easier. Thanos won’t be so feisty if you “door” him to the bottom of the ocean.
The power of dangerous hair has been a concept for eternity. The story of Medusa and her head of snakes is told over and over again as part of mythology, as she turned those who looked her in the eye to stone. Well, we are here to talk about Medusa, but there are no snakes involved. No, this is much, much more dangerous. The power of hair is not to be trifled with.
Medusa, queen of the Inhumans, has the ability to move and grow her hair at will, constricting it to force her prey to surrender, or sharpening it for battle. Sure, the idea of “hair” being a superpower is awfully dumb, but in execution, Medusa and her hair powers make her one of the strongest Inhumans out there. Plus, who wouldn’t want to give themselves any hairstyle at will? Or create piercing blades with blades of hair? The possibilities are endless.
2. TALKING TO FISH
We’ve all heard this one before. “Hey, Aquaman talks to fish, how powerful could he be?” Well, when the entirety of the ocean is at your beckoned call, including killer whales, Great White sharks and poisonous jellyfish, there’s not much wiggle room for thinking that it’s lame. But of course, Aquaman does not “talk” to fish, and the power in question here is more of a direct line of communication with them.
Why? Well, fish most likely don’t speak English. With that in mind, the power to talk to fish is done telepathically, as the user appeals to the animal’s primal instincts to fight, flee, group up, eat or just hang out. Need an example? Entry #4 on this list is Aquaman’s finisher move from Injustice: Gods Among Us 2. Yeah, thought so.
1. SQUIRREL POWERS
This is the cream of the crop, ladies and gentlemen. The long-mocked Squirrel Girl now has her day in the sun, as her intentionally ridiculous power set actually amounts to being one of the most powerful out there. Doreen Green’s squirrel powers allow her to chew through anything, leap through the sky, climb and use her claws in battle. She can also talk to squirrels, allowing them to form up to take down big bads. Think of them like much bigger, furrier ants.
Squirrel Girl’s squirrel powers have also allowed her to go toe-to-toe with some of the highest-level threats in the Marvel Universe and she has taken down the likes of Doctor Doom and Thanos, some on more than one occasion. Heck, she’s gone fact to face with Wolverine plenty of times too. And, much like Ant-Man, expect the jokes to cease after people realize just how darn powerful she is when she stars in New Warriors when it releases next year.
Did we miss any stupid powers that are actually really useful? Let us know in the comments!