“Pokemon” has been around for decades, as a hot animated series, a trading card game, a manga, and a series of video games for Nintendo handheld systems. The franchise is more popular than ever now, thanks to “Pokemon GO,” a game for smart phones that mixes the “gotta catch ’em all” rallying cry with real-world situations with extremely addictive results. That also means plenty of new Pokemon-related properties hitting the market, ones far beyond just the upcoming “Pokemon Sun” and “Pokemon Moon” duo of games set to hit stores this fall.
For example, “Detective Pikachu,” a video game putting the adorable Pokemon Pikachu in the role of Sherlock Holmes, has gone so far as getting a live-action film in development. So what’s next for Pokemon? What other bizarre mishmashes beyond Sherlock Holmes being recast with a strange yellow creature that spits lighting are we going to see soon? Without a psychic Pokemon like Espeon to tell us the future, we can only guess and hope. With that in mind, here are ten other Pokemon spin-offs ready for prime-time that we cannot wait to see on the big (or small) screen.
10. Curious Chimchar
Once there was a man in a large yellow straw hat that, while on safari in the jungles of Africa, looked through his binoculars and saw Curious Chimchar. Chimchar, ever curious, decided to come down from his tree to get a closer look at the man in the large yellow straw hat. The Man, deciding that Chimchar is just too adorable to leave behind (and seeing a potential fortune in a series of children’s books about Chimchar), lures Chimchar into his yellow Pokeball hat and doesn’t release him until they’re on a boat setting sail for New York.
The ride across the ocean is mostly eventless, except for when Chimchar (released from the PokeHat in order to train with the Man) gets intrigued by the Winggulls overhead and accidentally falls into the water. Fortunately Chimchar’s internal flame doesn’t go out, and the Man saves Chimchar and brings him all the way home. There, Chimchar is left to play with a Pokedex while the Man goes to sign lucrative publishing contracts. Chimchar, bored, accidentally calls the fire department. The firemen arrive and oh no! Bad Chimchar shouldn’t have called them when there wasn’t a fire, right?
So, Chimchar sets the Man’s apartment building on fire. Then he sets the café next door on fire. After that, Chimchar goes after the food carts, innocent trainers, and anything else he can burn. By the time the fire department can round up enough Blastoise to put on the flames, a third of the city is scorched, the hospitals are bursting with victims, and the Man is sent to jail on multiple life sentences for aiding and abetting Curious Chimchar. The moral of the story: leave pyromaniac monkeys in the jungle where they belong.
9. The Magikarp Identity
A Magikarp washes up on the shore of an abandoned beach, flopping awkwardly on its side, because that’s all a Magikarp does. It is quickly revealed that this Magikarp — who has no memory of its former life — was once a stone-hearted killer called Fishy Bourne, used by the Kalos government to take out enemies to the state. Magikarp had eventually been dumped in the ocean and thought to be dead, but as Magikarp is a fish, it wasn’t a very smart disposal method.
After being rescued by a beautiful Meowth (and a bit of an awkward moment where Meowth tries to eat Magikarp), the two go on a race across the country in order to survive. And by race, we mean, Magikarp flops awkwardly on its side, because that’s all a Magikarp does. Meanwhile, assassins in the forms of a Psyduck, Alakazam, and MewTwo all stalk Magikarp and try to kill him. Fortunately, Magikarp is able to stop them all by flopping awkwardly on its side, on top of their heads, until the assassins would rather kill themselves than have to watch Magikarp’s flopping for one more minute.
8. Go The **** To Sleep, Snorlax
This hit adaptation of the children’s book “Go The **** To Sleep” takes the horrors of parenting and mixes them with the one and only Snorlax. In it, a small town mostly surrounded by rivers is blocked from the rest of the world because a Snorlax is passed on the only bridge leading to the rest of Hoenn. When a trainer finds an antique PokeFlute, they use it to wake up Snorlax, and then the nightmare begins.
Snorlax goes on a rampage through the town, eating all of the food, knocking down buildings, and terrorizing the locals. The rest of the film follows the townspeople chasing Snorlax around, shouting, “Go the **** to sleep, Snorlax!” Finally, having devoured an entire distillery of alcohol made from Leppa Berries, Snorlax goes back to sleep on the same bridge it was sacked out on earlier. The final scene of the film shows the townspeople going with plan B: dynamite and lots of it, even as Snorlax’s eye starts to crack open once more…
7. The Pokemon Vanilluxe Massacre
The following preview has been approved for appropriate audiences by the Motion Pokemon Association. The film advertised has been rated R for graphic Pokemon violence.
CLOSEUP OF VANILLUXE RUNNING ACROSS A FIELD. BITS OF DELICIOUS VANILLA ICE CREAM ARE FLYING OFF.
VOICE-OVER: Coming soon…
A HUGE SILVER SPOON DANGLES IN FRONT OF VANILLUXE. VANILLUXE’S EYES WIDEN.
VOICE-OVER: You will believe…
THE SPOON GETS CLOSER. SHADOWY FIGURES ARE SURROUNDING VANILLUXE. VANILLUXE GIVES OFF A LITTLE GURGLE OF A WHIMPER THAT SOUNDS LIKE A MILKSHAKE BLENDER.
VOICE-OVER: A Pokemon…
THE SHADOWY FIGURES CLOSE IN AROUND VANILLUXE. VANILLUXE WHIMPERS AGAIN AS MELTING ICE CREAM STREAMS OFF OF IT.
VOICE-OVER: Can get…
ONE FIGURE STEPS OUT OF THE SHADOWS. IT’S ASH KETCHAM. AND HE’S LICKING HIS LIPS.
TITLE CARD: THE POKEMON VANILLUXE MASSACRE
PUDDLES OF ICE CREAM SPLASH ALL OVER THE GROUND. MIXED IN ARE SOME SPRINKLES, BUT THEY’RE DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES, NOT THOSE NASTY RAINBOW SPRINKLES THAT ARE SEMI-TASTELESS.
It’s a quiet day in the city of Unova. People are strolling down the streets, checking their Pokedex, and generally having a good time. That is, until Tornadus comes to town. This Legendary Pokemon is known for its destructive wind powers, but that’s nothing compared to today, because Tornadus has whipped into its cyclone literally thousands of Sharpedos.
Quickly an all-star cast assembles to try and stop the Sharpedo-Tornadus. Mario and Luigi bounce from Sharpedo to Sharpedo in an attempt to leapfrog all the way up to where Tornadus directs the winds, while Kirby goes for the less subtle method of trying to just eat the darn things. Link is tragically killed when he tries to save his trusty steed from a Sharpedo, but Zelda proves once and for all who the really tough member of that duo is, using the Master Sword to create Sharpedo Sushi by the thousands. (Cooking Mama, in a special cameo, gives her a perfect score.)
Ultimately, Mario sacrifices himself to give Luigi and Zelda the last 1UPs, needed to power through and get a Net Ball to snare all the Sharpedos. And Tornadus? Well, he has to escape. After all, they’re already planning pre-production for “Sharpedo-Tornadus 2: The Revenge.”
5. Waiting for Metapod
Samuel Beckett, desperate for that cold hard Pokemon cash, writes the screenplay for “Waiting for Metapod.” In it, two trainers are watching their Metapod, waiting for something to happen. Of course, this is Metapod. The only thing Metapod is good at is doing absolutely nothing whatsoever.
Over the course of its staggering 4 hours and 50 minutes run time, the two trainers muse on the fact that they feel like they’re doing the same things over and over again, forever attacking Pokemon, capturing them, talking to a professor named after a tree, and saving the entire land in a massive battle against a Legendary-level Pokemon. Of course, since this is written by Samuel Beckett, we don’t ever actually get any of those events playing out on the screen. Instead the trainers just talk about it, a lot.
4. The Pinsir Wears Prada
The high-stakes fashion world is turned upside down when Andrea Pinsir wants to be more than just a creepy looking stag beetle. She quickly gets a job at “Pokemon Fashion Monthly,” but discovers that being an assistant for Miranda Abomasnow is not all it’s cracked up to be. Her co-worker Misty keeps telling Andrea Pinsir that she needs to start slimming down and staying out of the recharging station, even as Andrea finds it impossible to remember Miranda Abomasnow’s exact orders for Razz Berry smoothies. If that’s not bad enough, Team Flare’s new fashion line is coming out soon and Andrea Pinsir isn’t sure that she’ll be asked to cover it.
When Misty is so weak from hunger and accidentally releases two dozen Staryus in Miranda’s office, though, Andrea Pinsir ends up going to the runway show. There, after being tormented by Miranda and discovering that Miranda used to be a Charmander until the job turned her into a literal ice queen of an Abomasnow, she decides that she needs a job more suitable. Namely, kicking the living snot out of other Pokemon. The movie ends on a happy note as we see Andrea Pinsir destroying Team Flare, Misty, Miranda, and thirty seven random extras.
3. Pride and Prejudice and Pokemon
Mr. Bennet is a Master Trainer, but he’s no longer a teenager and feels that it’s time for him to find homes for his five lovely Pokemon. Of the five sisters, it’s Pikabeth who feels the most conflicted by this arrangement. Mr. Darcyash keeps snubbing her, even as she can’t decide if she wants to show him that she can be the best Pokemon ever, or just zap him with twenty thousand volts. If that isn’t bad enough, Pikabeth’s younger sister Lydiachu has run off with that rogue among rogues, Mr. Jessie Wickham of the Rocket Estate, and done unspeakable things with him involving paralysis antidotes.
Pikabeth’s struggle finally comes to a head when the Bennet family holds a marvelous ball for all to attend… but as it turns out, it’s really a massive experimental Pokeball the size of a mansion. Mr. Darcyash uses it to capture not only Pikabeth, but Janemander, Bulbamarysaur, Kitty-Mewtwo, and all of the other Pokemon in attendance. Truly, Mr. Darcyash is the greatest trainer ever.
One of the hot new reality shows this fall is “Poke-Voice,” in which four Master Trainers randomly select Pokemon to become part of their Pokemon collection based solely on hearing their voice.
As viewers will quickly learn, some Pokemon can sing remarkably well. Chimecho, often thought to be little more than a flying wind chime, can harmonize with itself with great accuracy. A Rhyhorn’s guttural grunt is actually a rather catchy bass line. And who knew that a Metapod could make anything more than a strange muffled noise? The less said about Meowth’s audition, though, the better.
Sadly, the show will no doubt come to a crashing halt every time a Jigglypuff tries out. Trainers, camera operators, and the entire viewing audience will all fall asleep while Jigglypuff sings its insipid song. And if you thought things were bad when the “Pokemon” animated series episode “Electric Soldier Porygon” gave children epileptic seizures back in 1997, well, just you wait. Lawyers are standing by with lawsuits ready to be filed.
1. The Secret Life of Pokemon
This hot new children’s film finally answers the question, “What happens when you put a Pokemon inside its Pokeball?” As it turns out, when the Trainer’s away, the Pokemon will play. A cigar-smoking Onix guides us through the interior world of the Pokeball, interviewing Pokemon along the way. A Caterpie exclaims how happy it is that there’s a Butterfree that’s forever summed instead, so it can continue to receive hot-stone massages from Geodude. Tauros, known for its massively strong bull form, turns out to organize a regular knitting circle alongside Victini, Pinsir, and Miltank.
A Glalie is forever basking on the beach until it’s half-melted, then dashes off to a freezer to retain its ice base. Mr. Mime actually has a high pitched, squeaky voice, and in a poignant confessional mixed with heavy profanity admits that it really hates pantomime but took up the art form after it was teased as a child.
Sadly, the scenes involving the Duduos had to be cut in order to maintain a PG rating. We’ll leave that to your imagination.
What do you want to see from the future of “Pokemon” on the big screen? Let us know in the comments!
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